A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, need an advice. I am a single mom with 2 teens, 15 and 17. My life is very busy with work and kids. I don't date as I really have absolutely no time for that or energy. I concentrate on my kids and my job. But still I am a sexual being, and want sex. I can't bring a man to my house because of children, and I can't stay overnight at his house too for the same reason. I really miss the cuddling, wake in up in someone's arm in a morning. So, in my regular life I don't have it, but when I am in vacation the plan of having sex is kind of definite part of my vacation. I am not saying it happens every single day of my vacation, but couple times it does and gives me pleasant memories until next time. This time I went with my friend and her much older friend, a lady in her late 50 s. First night we went out to a place and I met a young guy, and If it was not for my friends I would definitely have slept with him. He was cute, intelligent and I really liked him. I told my friend that I am staying, they can go, but her friend insisted of me leaving with them. She said, that I had too much to drink (3 drinks within 3 hours) and its just a matter of safety.I didn't want to start a big conversation about it, and we left together. In a morning I was kind of upset with that woman. I said to her, that in a future she can't control what I do, I am a grown woman not some child who needs to be told the rules. She kept on saying that she feels responsible for me, as long as we came together we should leave together. I said to her that this is total nonsense. I traveled with other people and it was never an issue. My girfriend's some night wanted to stay with guys, and I would just go home.She keeps on commenting on how crazy it is to go with a total stranger. She said, it can be a serial killer, or sadists or just plain crazy guy. I said, of course, it may happen, but also plane crashes happen. And car accidents, but mostly they don't, that's why people still drive cars and travel by plane. It's not me being irresponsible it's just me taking chance like everything in life. And anyway, I said, it's besides the point, what I think or you, I am a grown woman, and you have to respect desisions that I make, but not drag me like a 2 year old with you home. Today while I was still in my room, I heard them talking, they thought I was still sleeping. The woman said to my friend that if I want to stay somewhere she feels very uncomfortable about it, and then she won't then go out with us. And my friend said, that she agrees with her on a matter that if we came together we should leave together. I didn't say anyhting to them, but now I don't even know, what can I do?. My vacation only started, it's another 10 days ahead of me with these two.I feel like I am trapped with them, and can't do what I want. Any advices?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2015): Yes, I agree, Celtic -Tiger, you are out of order here. Single Mum's and sexual relationships can be really hard to negotiate properly. The OP is working really hard and acting fully responsibly as a parent. I think the other readers are offering her the best advice they can. You just seem to be picking on her. Lay off.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2015): Seltic tiger , On your questions how would I react if my children did this: it depends what age they are. I don't really see the relevance when you point it out to me my children. My children are very young now. How do you possibly compare a grown woman with life experience to teens with no life experience on that regard. If my children were of legal age it's not my place to tell them what to do at night when they go out. I had plenty of conversations with them about safety and other issues, and I hope I did enough for them to know how it is, but I am not going to tell my future adult children how to behave when they are out with their friends.
Again, I don't understand what connection it has to do with my choices.
I don't think you can tell meor anyone that I am selfish person, it's not for youto deside, you don't even know anything about me.
I am sorry that you don't get obvious things: to bring a man into the house where my children live and have sex with him is very different than to do it while I am somewhere and my kids don't hear any sounds, and don't know that it's happening.
Also about HIV issue: heard about condoms???
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 March 2015):
 Or you could be really discreet, hand the guy your phone number and tell them you are hanging with prudes and need to keep them clueless about what happens next. Leave with them, then when they are safely tucked in bed, head out and do what you want.
You aren't trapped, you are choosing to be annoyed. If you are as intrepid at you portray finding a solution isn't so difficult.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 March 2015):
Invent a family emergency or an illness, tell them you have to leave immediately and move to another town or hotel, where you won't run into them. Then you can carry on your vacation time and you won't feel trapped.
Stop going on vacation with these women as they obviously are not going to be your wing-women.
If the purpose of the vacation is to fulfill the need for cuddling and some sex then in the future go on trips designed for singles. I think cruise ships have some really inexpensive fares so your budget won't be so challenged.
If you don't make your own personal happiness a priority what message are you sending your children? That Mommy waits on them hand and foot and has no life other than them and work? That's not a great message.
Time to carve out some proper YOU time. If you choose not to, well, that's your choice. But don't get all pissy if people express concern for your personal safety and well-being when you are far from home with strangers. I personally would be grateful they cared enough to worry.
And P.S. I've travelled extensively as well and I'm older than you. I know you can find groups suited to your age and interests all over the place, you make friends on the trips and might wind up with a new set of travel companions for the future.
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger  +, writes (16 March 2015):
 OP - thank you for the follow up.
I am still confused though, about what advice you are actually looking for?
You came here, and posted a question, which was very much based purely on the sex you have on holiday, and how it was OH SO UNFAIR that your "friends" dared to be concerned about you and spoil your fun.
I think you just wanted people to back you up and say GO GIRL.... and that isn't what's happened.
It is nice, as a grown up, to let your hair down and have fun. But you are not a teenager any more. You are a grown woman, who has experienced life, and knows how risky her actions can be. YOU are putting yourself into some very dodgy situations.
You have been very lucky so far, not to have had any bad experiences, but you are walking on very thin ice. One day, you might just pick the wrong man, and your kids could be left without a Mother. In my opinion, that is the selfish behaviour of a teenager, not a grown woman.
You feel ashamed to bring a man into your house, yet you don't feel ashamed of sleeping with multiple men you don't know whilst on holiday? I honestly don't get it.
I ask again, if your child behaved in this way, how would you react?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2015): Hello OP again, this is the female anon again.
I do understand 'where you are coming from' - I didn't mean to imply that sex is all you want on holiday! I just meant there are probably group holidays for singles, where people are free to become more intimate if they want to...but other than that it's just a normal holiday. For example, I've heard of "Adventure" type holidays for singles (no, I don't mean the 18-30 type ones that are all about sex and booze) that are supposed to be really good fun and a great way to make friends and potentially have a holiday romance.
But, to be honest, in regard to where you are at right now, it does seem as if these are just not the best friends for you to go on holiday with - they do sound rather inflexible, for whatever reason. I guess sometimes you just can't find out these things until you go away on holiday with someone (!) Having said that - and I really, really don't want to upset you here - I know that when we are single Mum's we can also feel like we bend over backwards trying to coordinate and fit things into our own and our children's lives, but there is also a sense in which we get used to doing things in our own way, so I guess you could argue we come across as 'inflexible' sometimes - which seems very unfair, given the amount of stuff we have to cope with. I wonder if there is any way to get them to discuss a compromise? You could point out that obviously none of you wants to spoil the others' fun or enjoyment, so can you all compromise somehow?
I also understand about the situation you are in with work, time constraints, and concerns that any Mum would have about probably not having much time left with her kids whilst they are still at home. My 'one size fits all' answer to most things is to generate debate about the issue. It may not solve the problem in the immediate term, or ever at all, but most of the time it really can have amazing results. I find just by opening up a discussion about something it gives everyone the chance to air their views and feelings and it can be quite surprising how these feelings actually end up structuring our lives without our realising - once they get discussed, a lot can change. Obviously you will have your own way of parenting, but I tend to try to discuss things with my daughter rather than not do this - I mean without overstepping healthy boundaries. So, even if you don't feel you can do much to change your situation re. dating, you can still discuss this with your kids about something you may do in future. My daughter recently told me she is thinking of having children in five years time. I asked her whether she was opening a debate well in advance, to prepare me for the shock of becoming a young grandmother. We both laughed and she conceded that, yes, that's exactly what she was doing because she learned from me that it can really help. You may find if you open up to your kids - actually they are kind of young adults now - and ask their views on you dating, they will find it far easier in future to come to you when they need to discuss something more intimate as they grow into adults.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2015): This OP again, i just notice another post from female anon.
Yes, you are right i do feel ashamed to bringing a man into my house. Dating i tried, but the time that i had to put into it made me feel guilty that i don't spend this time on kids. I have a very demanding job with long hours and on top of that to date outside the house is way too much. Then i won't see my children at all.
We are a very close family, and i don't have this much time with them in a house left.
I don't know why i made this impression that all i think when i go on vacation is sex. Sex is a nice addition but in no way is my priority. I am a well rounded person with many interests in life such as art, history and outdoors. My priority is definitely not sex during my vacations, but if it happens it happens.
my friend the one i am with right now is the same as me. I understand how you felt when your friend flirted non stop with guys. i am not like that. I never initiate any flirting or come up to a guy. I also had a friend like this who was over social and drove me nuts every time we went out, bringing to our table all kinds of guys who were of no interest to me. She often even left me by myself for the whole night chatting up some guy. I am not like that, i stay with my friends most of the time, and only at the end may be involved in a conversation with a guy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2015): wow,i certainly didn't expect so much judgment but thanks anyway for answering.
I was not exactly asking for an advice on how to handle my love life. but to explain further: this is my choice of not having a partner until my kids are all grown up and leave for college. I tried in a past and it was very frustrating for me, also i didn't want to take time from children. Its my decision and i think i am doing the right thing.
Also, there is a big difference in leaving kids once year with their grandparents comparing to sneaking out at night leaving them overnight in a house alone.
Sageoldguy, i am not into seniors , but thanks for your sarcastic offer:)
CindyCares, i travel alone also, and actually love it. i am happy when i get a companion as its definitely more fun and not that lonely. As far as me being in not known location: i never go to a guys house. He needs to rent a room in a hotel and not far from my hotel. We have satellite connection now on every phone, its not that hard to determine where you are located.
i travel for many years with many people and NOONE until now acted like that lady. i can appreciate her concern, but honestly i doubt its sincerity.
My the same friend travelled with me on several occasion, and there were never any problems with her before. On our vacation in Greece she met a guy who she spent the whole 3 days with. And i was only happy for her.
Celtic tiger, yes, i do feel like a teenager once a year, when i am all by myself. Isn't wonderful though? That at my age i can still feel just for that week like a teen. It makes me happy. Don't compare a 40 year old woman to teenagers. Though most of you seem to think that i am putting myself for danger and my behavior is too light and careless, i know what i am doing, and my life experience makes me a bit much better judge of character than a teen.
I control very well my drinking, and i never get myself drunk. "Taking advantage of women" how? you mean sex, but thats what i want also, so may be i am taking advantage of men.
If all women who had casual sex and one night stands were gang rapped, killed, rubbed and so on, there won't be anymore single women walking around. Of course it can happen, in a certain countries i would never do such a thing.
i travelled to more than 40 countries and can definitely find my way around and be a good judge of the situation.
Unfortunately this time i can't afford to rent a separate room, as we opted for a more luxuries accommodation and my budget for hotel ran out.
i talked to my friend about it, and reminded her that for the previous years of traveling there were no problems between us. She said, she does wants me to do what i want, and she will talk with her friend to not interfere
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 March 2015):
 This is one of those issues where everybody is right and everybody is wrong.
Sure, it is pointless, and a bit overbearing and out of order, tryng to monitor the sexual conduct of another adult, and if you are willing to risk bodily harm , being gang raped , robbed etc... ( or simply, being ditched , after the deed, in some out -of-the way place with no directions, no transportation and no idea how to reach your hotel ) to indulge your whims, that's definitely on you, and your free choice.
On the other hand, it is also inconsiderate of yours accepting to go away with friends... then just putting your wants and needs first, without a care in the world for the worry / concern / anxiety your imprudent behaviour may cause to your travel companions , spoiling THEIR fun.
Why next time you don't just go in vacation on your own ?
If you are gutsy enough to follow home some intoxicated horny stranger which you don't know from Adam in a location which you don't know , or a country / culture you are not familar with , then surely you are gutsy enough to spend a week totally on your own without the ( perhaps interfering ) homegirls ?...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2015): I write as a single Mum who understands about how 'practicalities' can act like a censor and wipe out your sex life. My husband abandoned me and my daughter when I was very young and going through college. I met someone else and stayed with him for 18 years, and so the issue of dating never really came up for me in the way it has for you. With that said, there were PLENTY of times I wished I could just be like a 'normal' young woman and date other men - my partner was often abusive and part of what kept me with him was that I'd long since rules out the possibility of dating other men in a 'normal' way.With hindsight, I feel I should ask you to reconsider your own perspective on dating whilst not on holiday. I wish, more than anything, that I'd realised there are single Dad's out there who actually like children and completely understand about kids and practicalities. Also, your kids are teenagers now, so in theory they should be able to take on board that their Mum needs a boyfriend. Our own children very much de-sexualise us. We get used to seeing ourselves only through their eyes and as non-sexual beings. Even today when my daughter is 27, I still feel she does this to me. And I've seen how my (now ex) partner and his brother did it to their own Mum - the mother is just seen as a resource to be there to provide nourishment and support and love. Kids rarely ever make the first move to encourage you to date and enjoy yourself. So, part of me is wondering if it's not just practicalities that make you feel you can only have sex on holiday, but whether you have been a. de-sexualised by your kids and b. you feel some shame about being a sexual being, to the extent that you cannot face sorting out practicalities ie. introducing them to the idea that you are going out for the night and you may bring someone back home - because you feel embarassed and ashamed to discuss this with them. Maybe a good place to start would be to simply raise the discussion in a general sense, about how they feel about single parents finding a boyfriend/girlfriend and, thereafter, talk to them about how you would like one.With that said, I really feel you might benefit from considering that some men, as I said, may be single parents themselves and will understand how you feel. Other men may simply not have any problem with kids or teenagers being around. YOu won't know until you find out - and if you go on dating sites online, you can filter out those who do and those who don't. When I was younger I told myself NO man would be interested in a woman with a child. I deeply regret this. I wish someone had said to me to open my mind a bit more and have pride in myself and my child - I did, but I was also terrified of being seen as a scrounging, single mum as stigma about single parents was terrible back then.As to you going on holiday and having sex on holiday. If that's what you want to do then you are going on the wrong kind of holiday. There will be group holidays where that kind of thing is up for grabs if people want it. If I was your friend, my absolute first concern would be for your safety if I left you alone with another man after drinking, especially if this was in a foreign country. So I would be very reluctant to do this unless we were already in the hotel lounge or somewhere very safe. I wouldn't be against you enjoying yourself, no way. But I would be worried about your safety. It's hard to tell, from what you say, whether your friends are concerned for your safety or whether they just feel either jealous OR they simply don't think it's fair to 'break team' in this way. It sounds like they just want to feel that you are there as a group and your behaviour threatens that sense of team/group. I have to admit, whilst I say I wouldn't want to spoil your fun, I did go on a holiday with a friend a couple of years ago and her flirtation with men really got me down by the end of it. Everywhere we went she was chatting up or being chatted up by guys. It really began to drive me nuts towards the end, as it wasn't something I was interested in doing - on the first night some guy had REALLY come on to me and she was encouraging me to go with him but I just wasn't on holiday for that reason. As the holiday went on she didn't seem at all concerned that it was a pain for me to be sitting like gooseberry every time she flirted with men. It would have been better if we'd discussed it before we went, as I really didn't want to spoil her fun, but it's harder when there are only two of you, to know what to do with yourself. So, even when you're friends are just with you and there is no man around, if you are chatting with men some of the time, especially in the evening, they may get a bit on edge and unable to relax because they'll be thinking "is she going to go off again with a man?" It just depends on what they themselves want from the holiday - if they are simply not interested in doing that themselves, then they may just feel they are being used by you. Their insistence on going together and leaving together may seem a bit petty, but it's their way of saying that they need to feel like a team with you. If there are two of them, I do find this a bit mean to be honest, but again they may be concerned for your safety.I do think the best thing is to rethink how you date when at home and/or go on a different kind of holiday or go on holiday with a friend who is looking for the same kind of attention from men.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (16 March 2015):
 You "sound" a lot like a man. Man, you may recall, abdicate much of what would otherwise be sensible thinking to their lower brain... the one in their penis..... I suppose your's is in your lady-parts......
You have to decide if you are going to spend the remainder of your life trying to find harmless men to be your one-night stands... OR... are you going to salvage a bit of your self-respect... and wait until you find a REAL "man-friend" to be your intimate partner....
Good luck...
P.S. You are welcome to visit me, here in Florida, .... as it is warm here, and I am always ready to compromise MY scruples!!!
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (16 March 2015):
Also - you are perfectly happy to leave your kids to go on holiday, so why can you not leave them for a night to stay over with a boyfriend? Are they not of an age to have sleepovers with their friends?
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (16 March 2015):
You sound like a teenager on their first holiday away from parents. I WILL do what I want, because I can, and no one is going to stop me. Because I am a grown up.
Lets look at this another way.
If your child, once of age decided to go on holiday with their friends, and acted in the way you are, would you be 100% ok with it?
Would you not worry, or try and stop them from behaving in such a reckless manner?
I think you should count yourself lucky that you have friends who are willing to look out for you. These tourist places, are full of men who are looking to take advantage of lonely, drunk women. They can spot you a mile off, and know exactly how to get what they want.
You have been lucky so far, but it only takes one time, when things go wrong for it to be all over. Either violence, rape, theft, or even worse, an incurable STD or murder.
How would you explain to your children that you caught HIV or AIDS?
How would your children feel if they got a policeman on the doorstep breaking the news that their mother was not coming home after being attacked or worse.
Sex is great, but is a holiday hook up worth that?
Your children are 15 and 17 - more than old enough to start to handle you dating normally. Going out for an evening, and meeting men in REAL situations. SAFE situations, where people know where you are, who you are with, and if your don't come home will be able to alert the people who can help you. In a strange place, where your friends don't know the location, names, or phone numbers of who you went off with (you might not even know their name)..... they are powerless to help if the worst did happen.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2015): I don't think OP goes on vacation JUST to hook up with somebody.This is what she said, it's a part of the vacation, not the total purposeIt's a good advice to get your own room, if you can afford it. So, the guy later on could come to your room, without you staying with him where you met him.,That's one thing you can do. As for your friend, as I understood she is not really your friend, she is a friend of a friend. She really has no saying on what you do at all. If she doesn't want to go out out with you anymore, that's fine, she can just stay home, and you and your friend can still go out. Secondly, I think she might be jealous. I had a friend like this who would do anything to prevent things like this happening. My advice would be to rent your own room, so they can't dictate to you on what to do.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 March 2015):
 First of all, I have to ask where you are vacationing at? And second of all, if you are SO desperate for sex, why not get a single room so you can DO whatever you want?
I haven't been on vacation with friends since... UH mid/late 20's but I have never thought it would be a GOOD thing to not ask my friend to come back with us, and I would never forgive myself if something DID happen to her. Specially a single mother, what the heck would happen to the kids?
I'd be a little annoyed being on vacation with a friend if all she is there for is to look for hook ups and casual ONS's - BUT I would respect that it's her life. I would just not vacation with her again.
Maybe you should go on solo vacations on the future?
I can't see why you can't date at home. With kids 15 and 17 they are BOTH old enough to understand that you need someone in your life for emotional and sexual needs. Kids can't fill that void, not should they.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2015): She was trying to look out for you in her own way, but it wasn't her place to be so insistent.
I think it comes down to you not having the same outlook on life and that's not going to change over night.
My only advice is to travel with women who are as open minded as you. As for this holiday, try to make the most of it because you are there already and you have paid for it! If you see someone else that you fancy while you are with them, just take them to one side and say you'll be staying for drinks with the guy. They know your stance on it now so hopefully there won't be a scene.
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