A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm engaged to a wonderful woman that I have been with for 8 years (since I was 18). She is a beautiful person, inside and out, and I feel terrible guilt about asking this. She has become friends with a girl (let's call her Jane) over the past two years and of course, now so have I. For a while I had a bit of a crush on Jane, but just put it down to the 'seven year itch' and ignored it. This hasn't helped though. If I'm honest, I'm madly in love with Jane. I think about her constantly and I'm struggling not to talk about her all the time. This is now destroying my sex life with my partner, who I love and making me feel depressed and then guilty for being depressed. I have never been unfaithful and don't want to go down that road.Oh, I forgot to write that Jane is in a relationship with a woman and is very happy in that relationship.So should I keep this to myself? Should I break up with my partner and move away from both of them? Should I talk to Jane?Many thanks
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crush, depressed, engaged, fiance, sex life Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2015): Not really sure how to phrase this more clearly but... She's A LESBIAN. She is NOT into men.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (16 March 2015):
 "should I break up with my partner and move away from both of them"
how can you say you love this woman if you are willing to break up with her and move away?
I don't think you know what you want. Therefore you need to talk to your partner and figure it out.
but I'm thinking that a break up is in the works...
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (16 March 2015):
 If you're fantasising about being with another woman, you have to consider whether you're really that in love with your fiancee. I would suggest that you're not, in which case you should break off your engagement.
Do not say anything to the woman you have a crush on. It will cause nothing but problems as she's also in a relationship already.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (16 March 2015):
 You need to pour ice water over your genitals, whilest, at the same time, saying to yourself...."what kind of a dip-shit AM I????? I have a great woman/partner.... who happens to have a friend who is gay... and who has no interest in me... AND, I'm considering how to f**k up that great relationship that I have (with my S/O) whilest I convince myself that her not-quite-hetero woman friend might ever be interested in me..."
Let me pray: "Dear God.. I am an idiot. Is there anything that you can do to spare me from my idiocy, before I make a complete and absolute fool of myself... and - at the same time - screw up this great relationship that I already have with a delightful lady?"
Say that prayer as often as you must to assure that you don't screw things up any more than you are already contemplating...
Good luck.....
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (15 March 2015):
 I don't quite understand what you think will happen if you tell Jane how you feel about her.
Have you thought this through at all?
Jane is in a relationship with a woman ........ is that what the attraction is? I have known men who seem to think the pinnacle of their sexual success would be to be so fantastic in the sack they turn lesbians into panting desperados for whom only their penis will do. They were delusional, are you?
The best thing you can do is break up with your unfortunate fiancé, she deserves better than you.
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A
female
reader, MoniqueEE +, writes (15 March 2015):
Do NOT speak to Jane, it is your fiance you should be speaking with as she is your priority. Lusting after another woman is a sign that whilst you love your fiance, you are no longer as attracted.
Maybe things have become stagnant, maybe not, but your mind is telling you something.
Speak to your fiance, communication is the only thing that will save you here.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 March 2015):
 What exactly do you think will come of talking to "Jane"? That she reciprocate? and you ride off happily into the sunset?
Should you TALK to Jane? Are you serious?
No, you should TALK to your partner, who most likely thinks it's ALL her fault that the sex is declining and you are becoming emotional distant.
END the engagement. It's UNFAIR to your fiance to be engaged TO her if you are LUSTING after another woman.
You MAY have a crush on "Jane" but that doesn't mean she feels the same.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2015): You haven't mentioned at all that you love your partner.
Are you in love with and happy with your partner? Answer these questions and we will be able to give you better advice.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2015): Love requires that the other party loves you back but Jane loves some woman so your "love" is simply an infatuation with a girl that you observe and have no intimate relationship. I don't want to venture in claiming that your infatuation is a fantasy of having an a romantic triplet where you are the stud, but from what you describe I could see how some of your silent moments with closed eyes while on top of your girl could wonder off your mind as to how much more exciting would it be had Jane been just there to enhance your passion for your girl with some lesbian love.
You need to venture off where your brain is and not where your genital is rising. Jane is not your future but just some passing fancy which will disappear as soon as Jane rides in her sunset with that girl or possibly some other. After all she is just some friend to whom you will never confide your heart if your girl matters to you at all.
So sure, tell Jane that you are in love with her and watch yourself loose both women. Have fun with that.
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