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female
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anonymous
writes: I'm trying to gain some insight on things.. I wish my ex would come back but I have questioned the situations that happened over the course of the 3 plus years I was with him.I wanted to reveal some aspects that made me feel insecure which led to a cycle that i guess i couldnt break, and maybe made me try controlling him and wanting more attention. Please read each of the points. i recently told a close guy friend about these aspects which i never told him before. He knew of me being jealous about certain things, but when i told him things like this, my guy friend said he would have given me different advice a very long time ago, and questioned why i would stick around and tolerate alot of these things. My other friend said she wouldnt have been able to stay b/c instead of a big issue it was like jabs in your face thrown at you over and over..My ex is a good person, confident, well mannered with opening doors, paying etc etc, very close to his family in regards to doing things for them, he knows how to talk to people, how to act on dates etc. I would say he is charming as well here are some tiny details that i guess can lead to a big picture:1. When first beginning dating him, (3 years ago) I noticed when we went out with his friend and my b/f was driving..i would be sitting in the back seat as opposed to the front next to my b/f...it continued on even after 3 months..if we all went out together, he would actually LEAD me to the back door for me as opposed to the passenger side door where i would be sitting next him.That spot was for friends i guess(BUT it made me think of that saying--friends before ho*s)..it bothered me a tiny bit but i felt ok, its still early on maybe he just wants to show his friends are still his top priority.after about 8 months or a year of dating there was a road trip we were going to go on for a few days with his friend..and i actually chose to bring up that issue of sitting in the back seat..and he joked and said the front is only for drivers (i dont drive).He was trying to avoid it i guess but it turned into an actual argument about me sitting in the front when he was driving..i wanted to be sitting next to him and felt it was disrespectful i would be in the back(i didnt mind it sometimes but it was as if i had to earn my way to the front or i didn't belong there).My sister in law even said i would dump him now..she said she never heard of a man doing that with his girlfriend, and she thought it was crazy i even had to bring this up to him..i decided not to go on the trip, but i was placed in the front seat after that. but from that point on it still made me feel like i made him place me in the front seat and still may not think i belonged in the front.Even when we were going out and he decided he didn't feel like driving and his friend took his car and drove---it almost made me feel like it was done on purpose, because obviously my b/f is gonna sit up front with his friend and i would be the back. at that point, that was probably me being really insecure but that was how it made me feel due to the past.Another time we went out and his friend who is even older than he was(above 30) either looked like he was going to cut in front of me to get to the front seat or open the door for me, i don't know which it would have been but my ex boyfriend did speak up and say you are gonna have to get in the back.But the friend actually gave him a little cr*p about it. he even said thought friends before(he was obviously trying to mess with him)...and he didn't finish the saying but obviously the saying is friends before h*es..my boyfriend at the time didn't say anything and i felt kind of dumbfounded that after 2 years or more of being with the guy,I still heard a friend older than 30 actually saying something like this, and it still made me think my b/f probably still felt a tiny bit that i should have been in the back. everytime i sat in the front seat and a friend was there or his brother.Apart of me still felt he thought i belonged in the back..is was as if i had to force him to do it..Maybe after a certain point he thought ok, yes she does belong in the front but it was almost as if the damage was done or something and even 2 years later i still felt that way.2. I noticed when driving with him he would constantly turn his head to look at girls..i felt it was disrespectful to do in front of me..to turn your head...he wasn't breaking his neck or anything but obviously i could notice it and it bothered me and it took me a long time to say something but i eventually did..i felt he should look with his eyes or just do it when he wasn't around me.3. On the weekend every sunday was like his day for his choirs and things of that nature..after a certain point in dating him i wanted to spend some time with him during the day..we never spent time during the day going to the beach or just spending a whole day at his place etc etc.Our schedule seemed to be after work/at night...and in the beginning when i did start sleeping over which ran into that choir day he jokingly/sarcastically would say wasted day...because he wasn't productive...to me--that was somewhat hurtful whether you were joking around or not.It's obvious some part of him felt that way..and it made me think he was doing me a favor almost or spending a full day with me was something he HAD to do because he was my boyfriend...as the relationship progressed it seemed he wanted me there more of the times, i would try to keep him company while did his thing or spent time with his family.There were still times when i felt like he thought he could have been getting this and this done...which leads to insecurity...i felt guilty at times for being there or as if he was doing me a favor or doing it because he felt as a boyfriend he should spend some long days with me. I felt like i belonged there other nights like a thursday, friday, saturday...but sunday felt a little weird to me at times..especially past a certain time like 6 maybe because driving me home took a long time like 30 minutes and then he would have to drive back but i guess that could have been worked out more where i took more cabs or something...4. I wanted him to say i love you more often..i didn't think every night before we got off the phone was too much to ask..but i had to ask him for it..i needed to hear it more often..and i didn't ask him to do it after 6 months or even a year..im pretty sure it was after a year of dating or more i wanted him to say it more often like every night.5. He hardly ever complimented me6. My friends said he had alot of confidence and this indifference personality..that if he was in a relationship, thats fine..and if he wasn't thats fine too..ultimately his confident personality made me insecure as well...i liked it, it made me feel like i was safe but that indifference quality i guess could be a problem for some.7. His friend was able to get him this job at a bar from time to time and i was with him for 2 and a half years at this point and he was ready to call his friend up and just agree without even discussing it with me...to me--i think thats a pretty big thing..a boyfriend agreeing to work at a bar whatever job it may be and he didn't even consider bringing it up with me first..my friends said i deserved more consideration than that and he ultimately still feels he doesn't need to answer to me about alot of things which isn't necessarily a good thing after over 2 years together.8. He forgot to introduce me at a wedding...it was a year and a half together or even more and we were standing online to congratulate his family member and when his time came he shook his hand and gave the girl a kiss...and then about 10 seconds later (obviously he forgot)he said "oh, this is my g/f so and so...like kind of matter of factly..he didn't say it in a bad way but saying oh, this is so and so...it was obvious he forgot for a second which is really bad to me...and i said something to him later and he kind of got defensive and he said you are right. maybe i am just not used to introducing anyone...thats his defense after more than a year? i felt like he should have sincerely apologized if that hurt me.9. He embarrassed me a few times in front of his mom by things he said..and one time it was almost done on purpose...we got to his house where his mom was and i was feeling pretty out of it and i just wanted to go to a restaurant and just have dinner with him and not with his family that night..he said thats fine and he went to get a few things but then said she made all this food and noone else is home, she would be eating alone right away i said ok, thats fine then..no problem, lets go eat with her...BUT seeing as though he had embarrassed me before by saying something in the past and made me feel like i didn't look so great...i told him---don't tell your mom i didn't want to eat with her because its not like that, i just wanted to eat with u tonight thats all...10 minutes later i am reading a book and he just says she doesn't want to eat here, she just did because she heard you would be eating alone.I felt soooo angry/dumbfounded/sad..i really couldnt believe it..and the mother said oh i don't believe him don't worry...but i felt so angry..i felt like it made me look like crap...and afterwards i was getting teary eyed while watching tv with him in his house still saying how could you do that and he basically just said he didn't want to hear it etc etc.I honestly can't remember if i did anything to him a few days prior that would make him do that...but now i just blame myself..i am thinking...maybe i showed some jealousy a few days before or we had a fight recently or something and he still was mad..i honestly can't remember but i don't understand how he could say that to his mother when i told him not to do it because i felt like it would make me look bad or something...and he did it anyway..even if he was mad about something, he didn't have to do that which made me feel like i looked like sh*t.There were other factors as well that made me insecure and i could name more words said or little things done..but keep in mind he also had good qualities as well which made me very torn of whether i was wrong for feeling this way.i am thinking maybe due to thinkgs like this i reacted badly to anything that was a little off, anything that made me slightly insecure, but i still feel like things are my fault and i should have done a lot of things differently.But here are some examples of things that have happened and i am still wondering if i had a right to feel somewhat insecure and maybe all of this wasn't just my fault? I miss him very much at times it hurts so much. :(I have been without him for a few months and sometimes i just really miss him and feel sad especially when its not easy to find someone else I would like to date
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confidence, I love you, insecure, jealous, miss my ex, my ex, sister in law, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2009): thanks but i am usually very secure except when i was around him and these things happened. I do respect myself and place value on myself..thanks for posting =)
A
female
reader, Valyda  +, writes (10 March 2009):
Girl you deserve much better! please you should work on your self confidence. Men can feel it when you have no self confidence. You deserve all the respect in the world but start buy giving yourself that respect and others will do the same.
Wake up every morning and say " I am worthy!"
Love yourself and be happy!
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2009): I didn't care where i sat if i wasn't pretty much made to feel that was my spot and where i belonged...thats a little different...and actually the guy who was sitting up front was shorter than i was. I needed more room than him..and i did mention it an hour later when he embarrassed me and he pretty much didn't want to hear it. I felt hurt that i was getting teary eyed about it later.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2009): To directly answer your question, do you have the right to feel insecure (over those things that upset you). Feeling something is not a right you have to earn, it isn't about being right and him being wrong, feelings are facts, they aren't based in reality really because they are your perception of things. But the truth of the matter is you have feelings and those are what you need to try and communicate to him right then and not in a complaining way, feelings are facts, state them as such, nothing more.
Simply say I feel like crap....I know you did not mean to be mean to me when you said what you said about dinner to your mom, but I felt embarassed and like my words were being miscommunicated to her.
And he might have said, well, I don't know why you had to bring up what I said the last time we were here about dinner, it made me mad. I did not intend to embarass you.
And you could have said, I know you didn't mean to..(regardless that you know he did mean to) I understand you were mad but I hope you know my intention was not to make you angry or tell you had done something wrong, I just wanted to be sure I made a good impression on your mother....I am sorry you thought I was criticizing you. It just makes me feel crappy when you tell her something I said to you in private, like I don't want to eat her food or eat with her,,,,it wasn't something I wanted her to think badly of me about, it made me feel stupid.
And he would have felt understood, and then he would have been able to hear how he hurt you.
Just a suggestion.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2009): Wow, I don't know how to tell you this but just reading all these little things that you think added up to a bigger picture was exhaustingly nit picky and incredibly anal retentive.
I think the two of you are just not compatible, it happens.
I also don't agree with making a huge deal out of where you sit in the car when there are more than two of you. It is not that uncommon at all for two men to sit in the front of a car while the women sit in the back. It doesn't mean the same thing as "friends before hoes"....it means that men have longer legs, period and they like to talk to each other if they haven't seen them in awhile, you on the other hand are available more often to visit with.
You brought something up from the past that you were holding a grudge over, him embarassing you in front of his mom, he was annoyed by that because you didn't trust him and he did it on purpose to spite you.
It sounds to me like you needed to speak up at the time something made you feel insecure and spoke of how it made you feel, not in an accusatory way, but spoke in feeling terms about how you were feeling right then and then walked off.....it would have allowed him to hear that he had hurt you instead of hearing that he did something wrong. There is a difference in how you present things to a man, you can either attack him and put him on the defensive, or you can embrace the conflict and tell him how it makes you feel taking ownership of your own feelings...this is how you become "known" by your other.
The thing where he did not introduce you at a wedding right off the bat. You act as if you are a 1950's housewife or something, I would have reached out my hand and itroduced myself to whomever and let him look like a social retard for not introducing me as his girlfriend. But then I think if you are over the age of 25 you are to old to be a girlfriend anyway.
What you have to remember is that men see relationships different than women do. Time and events do not mean the same to a man as they do to us. Having sex, dating for two years, meeting the family are all just part of dating in his mind....now he did all those things with you and that meant he liked you alot and thought a lot of you. But did he ever propose or put a ring on your finger?
If he did not, in his mind you were "just dating" and he could get off that train any time he wanted to.
If marriage was not on the table and you wanted him to commit to you and he wasn't what you should have done was tell him specifically that you wanted to get married but that he had a right to take all the time he needed to decide but while he was deciding he could not have you all to himself. And then you should have dated other men (not sleep with them if you were sexually exclusive) and left it at that.
Sounds crazy I know, but you don't want to get off that relationship train with a man and follow him around, if he isn't progressing the relationship forward by the time you think you should be ready to get a proposal, then you need to stay on that train and start taking care of yourself by letting him know that he just might lose you if he doesn't pay attention.
But right now it sounds as if he broke up with you....and you are feeling even more insecure about yourself. I think you might want to consider going to counseling on your own to work out some of these issues and how they made you feel, so you can process it and let it go and perhaps learn a few relationship "tools" that will benefit you the next time you are in relationship.
I think you look for things to prove to yourself that he just did not care that much about you or want the relationship to be serious or achieve marriage.....at some point you have to speak up and find your own voice in a relationship and it sounds to me like you just were concentrating too much on the man and not enough on you....after all if you aren't happy, how is he supposed to read your mind?
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A
female
reader, wonderingcat  +, writes (10 March 2009):
 Three years is a long enough time know his behavioral pattern. I think you already know, from deep within your heart, and from your friends and even sister in law, that your ex was disrespectul to you.
He put you down, in public as well in private. He never complimented you. He reserved a seat for his friend to sit next to him, instead of you. He did not make efforts to be with you during the day on Sundays. And so forth.
Sure, any breakup is painful, be it for a 3 years relationship, 1 year, or 15 years. Or even 6 months, if it was very "intense" and "serious" for both parties. It is very difficult for the person who was deeply in love with his/her partner.
But .... would you accept a drop of "venom" that could either debilitate or deadly, into a vat of sweet wine? He may be a wonderful mature wine in some respects, but if you mix that venom or poison into the wine, and you drink it, what would happen to you?
We all need to be loved and respected, as much as we need to love and respect our partners. It should be mutual or reciprocal, not one sided.
Go to dancing classess, or get a new hobby that would occupy your time and at the same time, make you open your eyes to the beauty of things (of dance, of music, of nature, etc etc etc). You will soon forget the poison that was in him.
Good luck, and be strong!
Cat
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