A
female
age
30-35,
*ormatron
writes:About a month and a half ago I met this really great guy. I mean, he's nice, sweet, funny and great to hang out with. The only problem is...I'm not really too attracted to him physically. He's not ugly by any means but I suppose he's just not my type? I don't really know, I go back and forth on it sometimes. I really, really like his personality and being around him. We've been on a few dates and they were all great. He really likes me too. He's really kind and understanding which makes it hard for me to drop him. I did talk to him about not dating anymore. He didn't seem TOO bummed out about it but he definitely was disappointed. I cried for two days straight (literally) after that having conversation with him which led me to believe that I probably had deeper feelings than I thought before. Then I called him and told him that I still want to date him in the future but perhaps now I'm just not ready. He was alright with it and we're still talking but now I'm back in the same spot again. He keeps flirting and saying sexual things. I am not comfortable being sexual or physical with him but a part of me wants to be alright with it. In the past I have had intimacy issues. Things usually go great when I meet a guy until the time comes to be physical...and I just can't do it. I get uncomfortable and freaked out. It's not that I don't want to be intimate but there is something that is always holding me back. I can't decide if it is these underlying issues that are troubling me or if it is the fact I'm just not that attracted to this guy. I really enjoy his companionship but at the same time I feel selfish and I don't want to string him along.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2008): Sorry I misread your post, I'm always in too much of a hurry and get all kind of things wrong. Ok scratch finding nice guy, you already got one. So that's one thing of the list. Forgiven father, that's healed another part of the pain. You need to be perfect (perfectionism) don't think your good enough (lack of confidence) nervousness, anxiety and lack of knowledge, these are all things you can work upon, your problem is solvable if you have the determinination and the support to overcome.
It would be great if you could go and see a counsellor, but your doing well and are starting to see areas in your life which you can change. This process of change will start to change your outlook and will help you with these physical difficulties that cause you pain. I'd love if you could stay in touch, and keep us updated on how your doing. Keep strong, your doing well, your doing everything you can to find happiness in life that's suitable for you.
You can mail me or any of the other aunts and uncles if you want to discuss things privately, or just provide an update to this question on the made board. Blessings to you, good luck, take care.
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (20 June 2008):
 Well, you diagnosed yourself pretty well, now you need to do something about it.
I really suggest you seek professional help to deal with the events from your childhood and how they are affecting you now.
Take it slow with this guy, don't force yourself but if he starts wondering what is going on try to be honest with him how you are feeling. He will most likely understand.
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A
female
reader, dormatron +, writes (20 June 2008):
dormatron is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much, DiovanLestat. I have read some of your advice on other questions at this site and you always seem helpful. I will certainly take the test when I have time.
I do feel as though I am capable of dating...but I don't want to end up getting someone involved with my problems. I don't think it's really fair for the guy I'm seeing. The good news is that I have made some recent breakthroughs and have forgiven my father after years of resentment. It took me about 16 years but I finally did it a few months ago. Things like this give me hope that I will soon get passed this and be able to have many fun relationships with interesting people.
Usually I don't find it too hard to open up emotionally once I am comfortable with a person. The difficulty I have is almost purely physical which is, in a way, a relief because I feel that this will be easier to work past. I am not unattracted to men. Like I said before, I am just fearful that they will be unattracted to me and reject me. I am very "inexperienced" and haven't gone further than kissing and touching. This has (I believe) turned men off from me and once they find out how inexperienced I am they don't want much to do with me. I realize I probably shouldn't associate myself with men who are so shallow, but all the same it is still damaging to one's self-esteem.
I will go ahead and wrap this up. Thank you for your suggestions and I am already feeling better about this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2008): Great answer babes. Thanks for being so honest, that must have been very hard for you. Is there anything on your list that you can tackle and overcome.
For instance could you start dating nice available men and getting to know them better. Could you write down of list of things you love about yourself and start to reinforce them daily untill the criticism you faced disappears. What could you do to develop yourself and remove the pain from your childhood that stops you from acheiving the happiness you deserve.
In the meantime, here's some information about gaining self esteem. There's a usefull confidence test that might help you discover what you need to work on next. http://www.womensselfesteem.com/index.html
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A
female
reader, dormatron +, writes (20 June 2008):
dormatron is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlright, LazyGuy, here is my attempt to answer your questions:I think perhaps my reluctance to get intimate is rooted in my fear of rejection. I feel like if I am not perfect then the man that I am with will probably hate me and reject me.The type of man I like is usually someone I can never have. Whether he is married/taken, lives too far away, etc. I feel more comfortable liking these men because I know that I can never be intimate with them. Whenever I meet a man that likes me also and wants something more than innocent flirting is when I get anxious and nervous.Growing up I was not given positive reinforcement, usually. My parents set high expectations for me (which I never seemed to meet) and would constantly point out the negative things: I was too skinny, I wasn't making good enough grades, I was too sensitive, etc. Sometimes their comments were about my physical appearance but most of the time not. Also, I had an alcoholic father who would yell at my brother and I and belittle us. A lot of the time he would tell us we weren't good enough, or something to that affect. However my brother seems to not have these kinds of problems as he has a serious live-in girlfriend at the moment and has had many past relationships. My parents had an extremely rocky marriage and that may also be a factor. I'm completely scared to involve myself in romantic relationships because I am always certain that I will be abandoned and left alone. Ironically, my fear of being abandoned and alone has left me...alone. I've given a lot of thought to this already seeing as it has been a problem since I hit puberty and started thinking about boys in a romantic sense. However I have yet to pinpoint exactly to where my issues come from but it is something I always work on. This is a really long response but thank you, LazyGuy, for your concern and I hope I have provided you with adequate information.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy +, writes (19 June 2008):
Is the issue really with his sex appeal or with how you feel about getting intimate?
Have you been intimate with other men, are there any men who are you type? Or to take a completly different approach are perhaps women your type?
You spend two days crying over this guy, you worry about not wanting to be intimate. I think you care for him deeply and that there is something in your past that makes you afraid of physical intimacy. I just hope for once I am incorrect about this but were you abused physically or emotionally before? (This can also include for instance being told you are ugly)
What happened to make you afraid of getting close to someone you care about?
If you have been intimate with others how did you feel about them?
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A
female
reader, dormatron +, writes (19 June 2008):
dormatron is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would love to seek help however therapy and therapists cost a lot of money that I don't have, and neither does my family. Also I would have to be open about it with my family and I am not ready to do that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2008): I suggest you speak openly to this guy, tell him that you enjoy his company and want to date him, but that you are not ready for anything more physical. You do not have to explain the detail. He should respect your wishes and he seems to be understanding.
FURTHERMORE
I suggest, you URGENTLY seek professional help, it seems you have deeper issues withholding you from getting physically involved with anybody. Don't leave this, don't ignore this, as it might ruin your life in the long term.Deal with it, resolve the issues.
I believe only then, will you be able to move on to a more serious relationship.
No harm in having this guy as a good friend and if he is patient enough to be there for you and not rushing you, who knows what might happen.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2008): I think this is deeper as you have pointed out yourself, maybe you should get help if you can't let yourself get physicaly close to someone
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