A
male
age
51-59,
*r.Worry
writes:I met a woman on the internet about 2 years ago.When we first started to chat we told each other alot about each other.Her past scared me off but we still talked.After being in therapy,I relized anyone 46 is going to have a past just like I do.I called her about 3 weeks ago and we started talking again,this time no worries about the past.She is very nice and we've talked about meeting.I know it's not lust because I've known her so long.We both feel like we love each other.My problems are:I'm afraid my grandmother,who I take care of and has given me the world,won't like her.She'd never let her spend the night even after she traveled so far.I also have a big problem with worry.I worry all the time about everything in my life,but now I think of her and worry.I'm a clingy person having to talk to her several times a day.I trust her,I just worry something may happen to her.I told her about this when we first met.She's really laid back and says this doesn't bother her,but I think it soon will.How do I stop this?I certainly don't want to lose her.
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male
reader, Mr.Worry +, writes (3 January 2008):
Mr.Worry is verified as being by the original poster of the question Yes,I really do like her ALOT,I'd say love.Of course I know I only know what she tells me.I rarely trust anyone even face to face but I feel I can trust her.I'm really putting myself out there which I also never do.Guess that's why I'm so scared of getting hurt. As far as kids,yes it is better they are grown.As much as I like her,I would still try even if they were small.My ex had a 6 month old and my other ex had a 3 year old.I treated them like they were my own.My grandmother has done more than words can say.She stayed with me in the hospital 3 of my 6 month stay(they made her leave when I started physical therapy)and only mentioned a few times how I did this to myself out of frustration after the doctors said I'd never walk again.However,I pushed myself and did it after I came from therapy one day.I swear I've never known anyone like my grandmother.She more than likely won't like her because I'm all she has and she'd think I'd leave her.This will be so hard,trying to balance them.I don't no what to do when that time comes.Yes I do want and need love.I'm just so afraid of being hurt.In my state,it may just kill me.I've been through so much in my life.
A
female
reader, TELLULAH  +, writes (3 January 2008):
 You have taken a massive step if you think about it. If she moves nearer 200-250 miles away, and you are willing to go that far without even thinking of that as a distance, you must really like her.
I am sure that once your grandma gets her head around the fact that you are a man, that needs female company as well as hers, she will come round. It doesnt matter if she has grown up kids, thats better than a couple of young kids, that are still at home and dependant, dont you think?.
I dont know what your Gran has done for you, but she sounds very important to you and thats all we need to know. My worry is that if she doesnt like this lady, would you give up the idea of any romance.
You sound like you need a love in your life.
I wish you all the luck and more XX take care.
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A
male
reader, Mr.Worry +, writes (3 January 2008):
Mr.Worry is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell,everyone's great answers made me actually make one small step.I showed my grandmother and told her a bit about her.I told her we'd known each other 2 years and talk on the phone everyday.That's about all I dropped on her so she can digest that before I tell her everything.I did tell her she was thinking about moving closer.She moves from time to time and if she moves where her old job is doing the same thing she does there.She would only be about 200-250 miles away.Now I can make that drive easily if all works out.Had I not gotten all these great answers and advice,I'd never have taken this first step.Thank you all very much! Now I have to hope this works out.Wish me luck!!
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (3 January 2008):
 Hey there, if you get a chance to get to the library, there is a very good book that may help you get some positive thinking. It is written by Benjamin Zander called the Art of Possibility. Excellent read.
I think you should try to have a heart to heart with your grandmother. If you tell her this woman makes you happy and give you some positive energy you might be surprized what she would think. Parents and grandparents want their kids to be happy.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Mr.Worry +, writes (2 January 2008):
Mr.Worry is verified as being by the original poster of the question
Thank you very much for your answer.I just wanted to tell you a little more.Yes it is my grandmother's house and even though I'm 40,I've been with her my entire life.I can't afford to move out.My grandmother only has me.She still gets around but she got breast cancer last year and can only count on me.See in 1992 I was about to move out when I had a very near fatal car accident.I'm unable to work due to numerous injuries though I walk,drive,etc.I haven't dated since 1992.I was a bodybuilder when I had my accident.Doing that was the only thing in my life that ever gave me even a glimmer of self-esteem.Going from that to this has nearly sent me to a complete breakdown.I've gone 15 years without dating and have been celabate too.I just feel like noone could ever want a person like me.However,this woman says it's no problem and has even dated a paraplegic and she's a nurse and loves taking care of others.She's 46 and at that age people look past looks.She's the first woman I ever felt this way about.I suffer from severe depression and severe anxiety disorders.I'm on tons of meds and in therapy but I'm still right on the edge.Everything that brings me happiness,leaves or is taken away,hence the worry.And since I haven't dated since I was 22,my dating ability is stuck as a 20 year old.I even worry about her having a large family because of my social anxiety.I hope this can give you a better ideal of who I am and what I'm going through.
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A
male
reader, Mr.Worry +, writes (2 January 2008):
Mr.Worry is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm so scared of being alone because I'll end up commiting suicide without my grandmother.I've thought about it.My son and my new potiental real life girlfriend are the only things that I think about that I hope will stop me.
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A
male
reader, Mr.Worry +, writes (2 January 2008):
Mr.Worry is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe haven't met yet.We've talked on the phone off and on 2 years.No she has no reason to go to therapy and has no problem that I go.I can't go to her for 2 reasons:1st I'm disabled(I can walk) and can't afford a plane ticket.2nd My whole family would completely flip.After my accident they all treat me like a 12 year old.I tend to just go with the flow,even if I don't agree.Yes I know my grandmother wouldn't like her.She has 4 grown kids.That doesn't bother me in the least but my grandmother won't see it that way at all.I'm the true king of being a pessimist and negative thinking is like breathing!Everytime I try to be positive,something happens to hurt me.I told my therapist I feel like I'm being punished and am doomed to ever have happiness.She tells me I don't give myself credit and beat myself up.I read every article I see on positive thinking,anxiety,self-esteem,depression,etc..Nothing sticks even though I'm pretty smart.If this was happening to my son,I'd no exactly what to say.I just can't take my own advice.After I lost the fast cars,money,party ways,etc..all my friends left.They were not friends just people I partied with.As for interests,I really have none.I still love fast cars but if I can't buy it I don't want to see it.The last true fun I had was driving my son's new Mustang GT very fast.My right arm is paralized so he had to get the gears for me.Yes,with nothing else in my life,I tend to latch on to people,especially with who I'm talking to now.I can't smother her like I'm doing or I'll end up losing her.I just can't stop:(
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (2 January 2008):
Hi,
You do sound very insecure, and I think personally that living with your grandmother isnt helping. No matter what she has done for you in the past, you cannot dedicate your life to doing whatever she wants.
I think its very admarable that you are taking care of her, but if you dont start thinking of yourself a little bit, you will end up alone and then it will be to late.
Tell your grandmother that you wish your friend to stay, and if she disagree's then go and stay with your friend at a hotel.
Love your grandma, but dont let her overtake your life.
XX
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2008): It isn't clear whether you have met up in person or whether what you call chat is chat on the Internet.
You do sound like a worrier but at least you have gone to therapy to work things out. Has the woman you met done the same?
Can you go and visit her instead of her visiting you? Do you know for certain your grandmother would object?
You sound a bit of a pessimist. Are you guilty of negative thinking? Maybe you could do something about this, either through therapy and/or through reading about positive thinking. I have found negativity can affect so many things and once you start to recognise it you can become more positive and optimistic.
You don't say what else there is in your life. Friends, interests? So many people depend on a relationship but you need your life to be balanced.
I hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, Minelisse  +, writes (2 January 2008):
 Well... is this your grandmothers house? If so, can you afford to live on your own? Your grandmother might have given you the world but it is about time you take a stand and do a life for your own. Even the Bible says to leave mother (grandmother) and father to start your own family! This is human nature... On the other hand, if your grandmother can not be alone because of her age, then you need to talk to her and find a happy medium were your needs as a grown man are met. Letting a friend stay over, or even stay in your bedroom is not much to ask... you are a very grown up man!
Your text describes a very insecure person... these insecurities have a root and might have a solution, but that should be dealt with in therapy. A new relationship can make you "act" differently at the beginning but it will usually surface again in the future and it can definitely hurt a relationship. She is not bother with this because you are starting to know each other, but in the long run it would be a pain for anyone, even you! Imagine being called 6 times during an outing... it would be very uncomfortable and trust is needed in any relationship. If you are afraid something could happen to her, the truth is you can not stop something from happening to her! Let her know to please call if something does happen, other than that, it is out of your hands!
Good luck!
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