A
male
age
41-50,
*els
writes:I'm a 30 year old man. I've finally found the woman I want to spend my life with, and I think I f***ed it up.When I first met her, she made it very clear that watching porn would be a deal breaker. And I wanted her badly enough that I agreed with her points as to why that would be. I told her I'd been single for a while, so there was some laying around, but it was never as good as the real thing, and giving it up wouldn't be a problem.But it was. Every time I wasn't around her, I'd pull out my stash. In hindsight, I realize I had an addiction. But at the time, I was lying to her. And she caught me every time. She'd point it out each time she found something. She didn't leave, but she let me know it was hurting her, causing her to lose trust in me and the transition period from single to monogamous relationship was coming to an end.I asked her to move in, but I still couldn't quit. I didn't understand why it should be a problem. Nudity and sexuality are just natural. None of my friends gf's have a problem with it, why should she? And I said a lot of painful things to her about there being thousands of woman being more beautiful than her in the world, how could she expect me, a straight guy, to not want to look at them? One day, she came home early to find me in front of a scene in the movie Beerfest with a lot of topless women. And she freaked out.That, compounded with the lying about it for more than six months, caused her to start packing. I promised I wouldn't look at it anymore, so she gave me a final chance. She got pregnant, and had her mother take her for an abortion, and it was early, and I wasn't thinking, so I checked out some bikini clad women on one site, figuring they weren't nude, so it wouldn't be a problem. She found out, and it started going downhill again. I play a lot of video games, and had some nude mods for the characters, and she blew up about that too. Last June, I was bored, and she was at work, so I was browsing an art site, and there were a lot of nude photo manipulations. I thought it was just art, nothing wrong with it. Sure, the woman were thin, and looked liked they were pulled from a porno, but it was just a visually appealing art form. But she saw it differently. She began not being able to watch movies with me because of the amount of nudity/sex in the movies I enjoy watching, even though that's not why I watch them. I haven't done anything since, but now she has major trust issues. She can't see me as more than what I was before. She doesn't believe me, questions everything, and can't even be in the apartment we share when I want to watch a movie. She's threatened by every other woman in the world, judges herself against them, and finds herself lacking. I told her she's being overly sensitive. When we have sex, she wants the lights out, and wants to keep her shirt on. I've explained to her that it's ruining our sex life, that I need to be able to see her naked, and she just tells me she can't give that to me. She calls it a compromise: she won't deny me sex, ever, but she can't be unclothed completely. It's driving me crazy, so I've taken to masturbating in the shower.'I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose her, but how can I make her see that just because I find nothing wrong with viewing other woman nude doesn't mean I find her less attractive? How can I make her see that there's nothing to be threatened by if I notice an attractive woman walk past us? I'm not chasing after the other woman, or even giving them more than just a look over. How can I make her see that she's the one I want to be with, even if I notice other women? Those other women are just like noticing a cute puppy, nice to look at, but not something I really want to take home.How can I make her trust me again? Make her see that the past is the past, and that she's being unreasonable with her expectations, and paranoid about everything? It doesn't mean anything to me, and a look at another woman isn't cheating on her. It's just a primal urge I can't change. How can I make her see that she needs to forgive me for the past, and get over it?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2009): You keep saying that you are still wanting HER to change. She made it very clear in the beginning what her boundaries were, her ethical standards, her requests. You AGREED continually (lying though) that you were okay with her boundaries.
Your relationship is destructive and you are going to tear this poor girl's ego down to the dirt if you don't release her from your lying ways. I wish she could read this because I would tell her that she deserves better. That she doesn't need you. There are a ton of guys (from how beautiful you say she is) that would beg for an opportunity to tell her the truth and honestly live by each other's words with her. You are a liar, a habitual liar. You don't deserve her. You are the one in need of counseling. Jerk.
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female
reader, Interesting +, writes (20 January 2009):
Dude,It is so annoying that you don't understand!!!Why do you need her and them too?????Like you said...addicted...don't want to change...want her to change!!!Ahhhh!!!Sorry, just feel like venting. You are saying she isn't enough, and you are also not to be trusted, since you broke your word time and again.What do you really expect? What a double-standard. She must change and forgive you, but you will not change and will not stay true to your word.If she is so beautiful, why do you need to look? YOUR PROBLEM buddy.I forgive you though...no, I really do. Just decide what is most important and try to work on it with her. Be honest from now on. Get counseling, maybe even couples counseling. Show you are trying and care about HER more than the porn.Good Luck!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2009): I think it's rather important you stop coming up with excuses along the lines of "it's just art", "I can't control what the media does", etc. if you tell her you will stop doing something, then actually do that. Only in your second post did you mention that she's not "pretty sub-par" in attractivity to you, as your earlier comment with "millions of women being more attractive" would sure make one (and her!) believe. From your posts she seems like an absolutely wonderful catch and somebody you sure don't want to lose, mh?Nude mods in videogames don't add anything to the game (for more than five minutes) and sure are more something you'd expect somebody half your age to be entertained by (for five minutes). I somewhat know where you're coming from in terms of somewhat compulsively masturbating/watching porn - is that something that developed while you were single for a long time? Sounds like it - I personally at least don't As the other posters said, you mainly now need to get yourself under control, to be honest and not make any excuses. You'll have to deal with a lack of porn - you fucked that up for yourself by ignoring approximately 200 warnings. I definitely don't think you should go crazy-ass-Christian on the world, but instilling a bit of "there's only one person I'm supposed to look at"-style beliefs into yourself surely can't hurt. Mayyyyybe one day you'll indeed convince her that it's perfectly okay for you to look at other girls - but before that, until then, it's just not okay.To the "girl with the same problem as his girlfriend", there's no rule saying that bigger breasts are better breasts or what - surely no reason to despise your own body. It's all about the unique package fitting and being what the other individual in question appreciates most. Especially that he prefers amateur porn should tell you that he doesn't even care for porn star bodies.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2009): I already wrote here. I'm the one who has the same proble as your girlfriend.Trust and self esteem are very, very fragile. My boyfriend thankfully, hasn't broken my trust. However, he's extremely blunt and some of these things he's said have affected my self esteem. Of course, it's not entirely his fault. It's my SELF esteem anyway. But the point is, self esteem and ego are very fragile and it's unreasonable to expect that if you tell her how much you appreciate other naked women, she'll be confident in herself, especially if she is very different from them (in my case, for example, I'm small breasted, and this is an issue for me, since most women in movies are large chested).Eddie has a point. To most women, women who ooze sexuality, especially if we know they're attractive, are kind of a threat, because we know our guys are probably picturing her in their mind. It's upsetting. My boyfriend admitted to me the other day that it would be upsetting to him if I got all horny over other guys. He told me he knows where I'm coming from. This was very important.He also told me this: "I've been watching porn for the last 10 years (he's 23), yet, it doesn't make me feel any less attracted to you". This didn't make me angry, quite the contrary. Made me feel better than those women. He told me these women are forgotten once the movie or video is over. Trust me, my problem hasn't stopped. A day doesn't go by that I don't question my beauty or sexiness. That I don't look at my breasts with despise. But I try to find reassurance in his words. Granted, he really doesn't watch much porn, just maybe once a week and also wants sex with me all the time. Oh, and he has a thing for amateur. He said it's more about the acts than the bodies.Maybe if you appreciate women who are more like her, more like her body type. Um, one more thing, do you really know what goes through a girl's mind when she looks at puppies? Personally I prefer kittens, so, when I see kittens, all I want to do is go over and play with them, pet them, hug them, and take them home. So I wouldn't use the puppy analogy.Best of luck. I fully understand where your girlfriend is coming from, but i also understand what you're going through. I don't really know what the solution is. To me, it'd be nice to know I'm the ultimate hot babe in his eyes, but I know that isn't going to happen, EVER! So I guess I have to make an effort, and he has to, too. I have to work on my self esteem, to stop feeling threatened by other women, and he has to try and reassure me and make me feel like a queen. Maybe it is because he doesn't really watch much porn, but I'm fine with it as long as I don't know he's been doing it. But that's an agreement we both reached. It sounds like your girlfriend wouldn't be fine with it.
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male
reader, eddie  +, writes (18 January 2009):
 One thing that many people have missed here is that sexual interests go from one extreme to another. It seems this guy and his wife are very far apart. He may be a little too overt about his interests and she might be somewhat obsessed about nudity. She is already angry about the porn aspect of him and the dishonesty so it sounds like she throws it in his face every time she gets a chance. He may deserve it too. We really don't know the extremes of the situation.
Some people just ooze sexuality and it gets to be a bit too much. I find that women especially get tired of other women who try to hard to strut their stuff. We have a friend who is constantly talking about sexual stuff, way too much information, as far as my wife is concerned. I get the impression that most women don't want to hear about it. On the other hand, guys seem to be able to handle it better, even if they're put off somewhat.
I think that many women feel pressure when other women are overtly sexual. They know that when the sexually overt woman is talking, she's planting seeds in the men's minds. Then when the men ask their wives why they're not as interested as the sexually overt woman, the trouble begins.
Sex should be fun. It is important. I think it is much easier for the sexually inhibited person to learn how to open up and enjoy sex than it is for the sexually liberated person to refrain. It's like food, it's easier to enjoy another piece of cake than it is to not have any at all.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2009): She asks for one small thing, it's important to her. She's had an abortion, to fit you into her life. She doesn't like porn, so just give it up. She has made sacrifices for you. Please check the Dear Cupid boards, under pornography, you'll see a lot of women suffering just like your girlfriend is. She has tried, she looked, she doesn't like it. Now it's your turn to try to do something to please her. She's hot and sexy, look at her naked body instead. Seems reasonable to me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2009): No point in living in the past, whats done is done.
However, today is a new day..
I think you've gotta choose which you want more in your life, cause it sounds like your girlfriend definately doesnt want porn as part of your relationship.
Do you really love her?
Are you willing to give up porn/nudity just to be with her?
If the answer is yes, i think you already know what you have to do.
As for the film thing, tell her how much she means to you, and how much your willing to give up, just to be with her.
I think if you start off slow, watch movies you dont necessary want to watch... build up trust, its what makes a reltionship work..
I think after the trust is built up, she will start to have less of an issue with nudity in films/games etc Cause then she has no reason to be suspicious.
As for the woman in beerfest being beautiful, well, i think you need to have a look at what beautiful actually means, society says their hot, you think their hot, doesnt make them beautiful.
I think you've gotta establish a line between the 2.
If your gonna make a comment about how hot a girl looks around your girlfriend, then i suggest you add, how much more she means to you, than the hot woman.
I think girls need that reassurance.
Hope this helps dude, best of luck
Pete
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male
reader, Eels +, writes (18 January 2009):
Eels is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for the answers. I still don't see why life should be censored because of her insecurities though. And as a note, she doesn't dress in tight or revealing clothes unless we're going out somewhere together. She's more of a jeans an t-shirt kind of girl. The porn thing was the only thing she's ever asked from me. She doesn't like getting gifts, gives everything without me having to ask for anything, and is very supportive of every aspect of my life, except for the one. She cooks, cleans, does the laundry...she got the abortion because she didn't feel I was mentally mature enough to have a child. She's tried watching a porno with me to try and understand the appeal, but she couldn't understand how someone could be aroused by anything so fake.
I tried talking to her last night about how it was just something guys do, and it being instinct. That it was just entertainment. And all she could say was "Isn't our ability to overcome primal instinct what separates us from animals?"
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2009): Dude, the relationship started with you obeying her standards.
Every girl has them and yes, compromise does occur. But, where is the effort on your part? quit complaining about how paranoid your girlfriend is. You accepted that the moment you two began dating. Its not an insecurity issue, its a trust issue that you violated over and over again. it didnt have to be with porn, It could be with any subject that I am sure all the women can agree with. You break the number one thing that any given women disapproves of, than you have major kissing up to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2009): I have your girlfriend's "problem". I freak out every time my boyfriend and I watch a movie and there's sex and nudity (yes, we even had awkward silences during Beerfest).
I feel bad because he said the same to me "Those women have better bodies, but I'll never meet them, so WHAT? I love you, why isn't that enough?". It's just a problem that, sadly, I'll just have to learn to deal with. Because I won't ever change his "primal urges".
He loves me. I love him. I don't think about other guys. Why? I don't know, I just don't get the urge. But i have to understand he's different. Plus, I know that 99% of the other guys I meet will be the same, if not worse. Try telling her that. I hate to admit it, but it's true, it's something natural that men do. I just hope it was biologically natural for us women to accept it and not be jealous, but we just didn't born that way.
Anyway, I always feel bad partly because 1) He said they're hotter, and that of course makes me feel inferior to them, even if they're just pictures/videos. 2) I want to be the most beautiful to him. I love him a lot, and I wish he had the most perfect girlfriend, from looks to personality, because he deserves it. But if I'm not the most beautiful, then I don't feel like he's getting what he deserves. also, because - believe it or not - I think he is the most beautiful, and I would take him over Brad Pitt any day... also because I hate the male "FAKE" look (because not only women in the media are fake, God, guys even get "muscle" implants).
So yes, she probably feels inadequate and inferior, especially since you said that those women are more beautiful and of course you want to look. she probably feels you don't understand her. Try acknowledging that waht she's feeling is also norma, and that you understand why that happens. I mean, don't expect her to understand you without trying to understand her also. We like to feel special and these kinds of things makes us feel a little less special, depending on the kinds of things we hear. You said it's not a big deal to look at naked women, but please, she's a woman, not a man, so she obviously feels differently about it!
Sometimes, it's also about how they portray women. In the movie Beerfest, most women were all about getting topless for no good reason and screaming, bouncing around. My point is, they were all attractive, but that was it, they had no personality, they weren't smart, they had no ROLES. Sometimes that's upsetting also. Because we feel like we're just objects for male consmption, which is not true, but it's hard to ignore these messages.
But I digress... the point is, you have to apologize, tell her that you understand it's natural for her to feel that way, and offer a compromise. But don't be too blunt. Don't lie, especially to yourself, but don't be too blunt. Be sensitive and try to make her see she's beautiful and gorgeous. My boyfriend usually makes me feel beautiful and that helps a ton.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2009): She doesn't want you to look at her nude and compare her body to theirs.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2009): "She's threatened by every other woman in the world, judges herself against them, and finds herself lacking"... Boy you got big problems. Just keep telling her she's beautiful, and make sure you never look at pornography again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2009): wow, I would be insecure and feel 2nd best too.
You're just not getting it. I can understand you appreciating beauty, but not porn.
Her influence on you has made you a better man. My husband was looking at a beautiful woman, and to make me feel good, he said I'm better. Then I asked him, what if she would've gave you a 'come on' look. He couldn't give me an answer immediately, and that really bothered me. SO just so you know, that's in the back of our minds. That one time a beautiful woman comes after you, you weaken and give in.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2009): dude you sound like a sex fiend,constantly looking at naked women and staring at girls in the street. how sad. obviously you don't love your girlfriend like you say you do if you're clamoring for porn-star style nudity at every turn, maybe you need to rethink your maturity level because to me it sounds like you never get over the fact that women have boobs, butts, etc, it's nothing special, they all have em, you don't need to be on a race to see as many different women in no clothes as you can. Honestly I am consistently amazed at how my fellow men fail to grow up. yes I was fascinated by naked women up until my late teens, watching porn and bikini calendars and all that crap, but eventually I grew up. you should try that too. real women with personalities, opinions, flaws, insecurities, etc are so much more beautiful than any of the women you will ever see in porn, or in Beerfest, with their altered bodies and lack of brains. I am in a relationship with a girl who I'd like to spend my life with also, and I manage somehow to ignore all the girls around me, in the street, and in the films, they might be conventionally attractive but I don't feel the need to stare, drool, masturbate to them, all that crap. you're 30 years old man, get a grip.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2009): I notice everyone seems to be against you. So I felt the need to leave my comments here.
Firstly, it is normal human instinct to look at the opposite sex. And it is not possible to be the best looking girl or guy in the world. How about this - I bet there are other guys she finds attractive; Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp - whoever! If she says you are absolutely the only man in the whole wide world she finds attractive - she is lying!
Alot of women have issues with porn and attractive women because of THEIR own insecurities. I am guessing she had issues in the past with an ex perhaps he cheated on her or something that has made her feel this way. She is clearly someone who is really insecure. And even if you were to change everything about yourself and stop watching porn or these types of movies etc, fact is - there will be other issues that will bring arguments. E.g. There is a hot girl on TV (fully clothed) maybe in a tight dress or something, that will probably set her off. Maybe you will go out somewhere and there will be a hot girl, that will probably upset her too.
Firstly, when you get in a relationship with someone - I think most people have this idea of changing that person into what THEY want. Which is wrong - I believe you need to accept people for what they are. As soon as you get with someone and try moulding them into what YOU want as your ideal, that is when problems happen. But you know, it is something many women do; which clearly she has done. If it was a different angle and you told her upon meeting you didnt like her wearing short skirts and low cut tops and getting men's attention and made her stop, but she would do it sometimes. I bet lots of people would be saying you were wrong to want to change her - thats how you met her and pretty much would give you a hard time. But let's face it - it's all hypocrisy.
So the solution - well to be with her you will have to be willing to change yourself into the sort of person that she wants. Which I would suspect could make you unhappy....or slip up again. But you think about this carefully - do yuo REALLY think you can change into everything she wants? If the answer is yes, then by all means go for it - give her lots of affection and attention and sweep her off her feet all over again. Remind her what it was that made her fall for you (my personal hunch is this will be ok until something reminds her - maybe a semi nude woman on the tv, or a bikini clad girl in a magazine or something, and it will trigger it off again) But if you think you have the commitment and patience to deal with this and can ultimately change yourself then go for it.
Or if you think you are happy with who you are and do not particularly want to change yourself. Then I suggest going your seperate ways and finding someone who will accept you for who you are.
Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2009): She's not going to leave you, she would have done by now if she was. So all you done, is make her very paranoid. You could try changing tact, don't yell but say calmly that a lot of men look at women and it dosen't mean anything on her and the fact she's getting worried of you seeing naked women on films is taking things way too far. Ask her to get help
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2009): Did she have an abortion because you look at pornography. A big overreaction to some fantasy women.
Anyway, your girlfriend hates seeing nudity and other people having sex with a passion. It probably makes her physically sick. Some people are like that. You want to keep her, so make sure you make a vow today, to start thinking of nudity and sex as sinful if it doesn't include your girlfriend. If she is upset by nudity in computer games, then to her sex is something private that should only be done between two people. She is not other women, she hates pornography and nudity of any kind with a deep passion. Sex to her is love, and therefore you must be in love with your computer characters or pornography women if you like looking at them.
You need to get some religion, Christianity has a lot of help for issues like this. From now on, looking or thinking about sex is SINFUL. You must change your whole lifestyle, and try to live a more religious life. No more films which include violence, because they usually contain nudity too. No more computer games for adults, stick to wholesome things that are suitable for kids. Porn goes in the bin, and put on a child filter on your computer, so you won't ever get temptation to look at naked people again.
You knew she hated pornography, now it will be difficult for her to trust you again. When you are bored, go for a run, read a book that contains no violence or sex, go and learn to cook, or learn a language or something. If you need sex, then go to your girlfriend and ask her to provide you with some. Let her leave her clothes on, remember for her nudity and sex is probably sinful. If she feels better with her clothes on, then leave her alone, until she trusts you enough to show you her body. If you totally change your lifestyle, concentrate only on wholesome, family things, get into your head that nudity and sex involving other people is adultery and sinful, then you should be aright. Change your lifestyle, it will take time, but eventually your girlfriend will notice the change and she will relax with you once again. Good luck, I hope she's worth it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2009): if i were you i would leave off the sex for a while - enjoy being together. take her out for a slap up meal or cook one for her. Buy her gorgoes(but not revealing) clothes, perfume or jewellery. If you can help her see that she is the love of your life then she may feel more at ease with everything thats going on and more importantly, herself. Teel her that you think shes sexy and stunning at every opportunity. Try not even to talk about the sex situation with her for a little while. And there is nothing wrong with masturbating in the shower - everyone does!
I hope it gets better for you and your girl.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2009): First of all, she is extremely insecure. I know, I used to be the same way many many years ago. She is unhappy with her appearance and feels all good-looking women are a threat. If you love this woman, try to build up her ego. help her to feel good about herself. Compliment her, and praise her. Women need that!
Also, trust needs to be earned! And she has caught you so many times going back on your word, that she has lost trust in you! You made her a promise and broke it. I also think it was an unrealistic promise. But you committed to it!
You have a long road of damage control ahead of you, and quite frankly, I don't know if this relationship can be "fixed" however, I wish you luck and hope with communication, things will improve!
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reader, Eels +, writes (17 January 2009):
Eels is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess I should mention here that she's pretty sexually liberated. I've never asked about doing something she wouldn't do. She's gorgeous, and has other guys hitting on her all the time. She doesn't like sappy chic flicks, doesn't follow celebrities, and is amazingly smart.
But the kinds of movies I want to watch usually have some pretty graphic sex scenes. I can't control what the media puts in there. She suggested finding some movies to ease her back into watching them with me that don't feature scantily clad/nude women. But I couldn't find any I wanted to see, so it zapped that idea pretty quickly. I just don't get why she can't just be okay with me looking, as long as I'm doing anything with someone real.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2009): Once you gave her the promise, I understand why she is so upset. Plus she gave you so many chances even after you broke it. I have been in the similar situation.
You did feel that you have porn addiction. You found yourself having difficult time without watching nude women.
I think your attitude (urge to watch naked women) leaks out and that makes her feel uncomfortable.
My ex had no problem with sexual addition and my current BF does (he used to be a sex addict) so when he watches nudity it makes me feel nervous, where I had no issue with my ex.
Also what you have told her is really terrible. You should make sure how attractive she is to you, also think and figure out if you choose your GF or porn, if you decide to choose her, then decide how you can work this out from your end, not to justify.
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reader, eddie +, writes (17 January 2009):
Tricky question. It seems you may be a little more sexually liberated than her or at least you have different views about what is OK.
She says she can't trust you. At this she is correct. I'm not saying her demands are legitimate or something you should like,but you did agree to them. Since you agreed to them she might have felt at ease.
It is important to figure out what the real issue is. Based on what you've said, it sounds like there is more going on under the surface. Maybe you should try to discover your need for nudity and she should try to figure out what makes her feel insecure.
You should also be careful about agreeing to terms that are unreasonable. I'm not saying her terms are wrong or tilted too much toward her but they could be. After All, I don't know how much porn you view or how insecure she actually is. It is kind of like giving in to a jealous person. Every time you give in, it reinforces their perspective. If a jealous person doesn't want you to do something, you don't do it, they think they've convinced you that their jealous reasoning was justified. So if your partner is throwing a fit every time there is some hint of nudity, she also needs to be more reasonable. IF you're throwing it in her face, you need to have better judgement.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2009): I have no doubt that you made the poor girl insecure about her figure. If you would have explained your porn problem from the beginning with honesty, worked through it together, and treated her with love and respect, this may have been something that could have worked out. I would never forgive a man who treated me like you treated her. I cannot believe you told her that millions of women are more beautiful than her! Learn from your mistakes and treat your next girlfriend better.
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