A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I was with my ex for 4.5 years and we broke up 4.5 years ago. (Ironic, I know.) Anyway, the reason we broke up at the time was because I was only 23 and couldn't be in a serious committed relationship anymore. We really didn't have a "bad" relationship at all. In fact, we had traveled together, we had fun and he was basically my best friend. But towards the end of the relationship I got really antsy. I knew the situation would probably lead to marriage and I was not ready. I needed to experience other things in life. My ex did not have a lot of sex partners before me and he was really sheltered in life and so was I. So I moved away from him to go back to my home town. I got involved with another man all this time but I just broke up with him. He was an alcoholic and that's the main reason I let him go. However there were many other issues that showed me how incompatible we were. Anyway, I recently flew out to see my ex again. It was right when I broke up with the alcoholic. I had sex with my ex and spent a few days with him. We have been talking on the phone non-stop since I visited him a month ago. I have to say that the 4.5 year break worked wonders. He got to go out and expeirence life and so did I. Although my problem is, he had fun, lots of sex partners, dated, enjoyed life. I however was miserable with an alcoholic. My father was an alcoholic so naturally I was drawn to that and I regret ever being raised to think dating an alcoholic is normal! It is not. So anyway, I cannot get over thinking about how my ex had fun and all these partners while I was miserable. He even told me he had a one night stand which shocked me to no end and I am really beat up over it. I cannot imagine him like that cause he never seemed like the type to do something like that when I knew him. However I feel like a hypocrite because I always wanted him to have more exeprience sexually and now that he does, and he pleases me and we had *great* sex together, I feel upset because he was my man and I just can't imagine him being with other girls when I left him. He said he is not seeing anyone now and does not want a relationship right now. He said the main reason he does not want a relationship with me is because I live 3,000 miles away. However he always calls me every day and was also telling me how much he wanted me sexually. I am seeing a therapist to get over the alcoholic and my ex keeps telling me that I need to finish therapy (which is another 2 months) before I can even think or talk about a relationship. He told me he is afraid that once I am not angry at the alcoholic anymore that I might not want him and maybe I am just using him to fill a void right now. I do realize that possibility, but my therapist said it seems very clear that I do genuinely want to be with my ex again because he has changed over the years in ways that I felt he needed to in order to be with me (i.e. more life and sexual experience.) We tell eachother everything and have a beautiful friendship. I just don't know how I can get myself to stop asking him to be my boyfriend now. It drives him nuts. He keeps reminding me that I need to finish therapy before I can think about a relationship. He wants my mind to be clear and to resolve the issues that have been troubling me. I just want him so much now. I was in a horrible relationship for many years and now I so much want to be happy. I know my ex is the one for me, he is my best friend, I love him, we have great communication and great sex. I just don't know how I can stop pressuring him. I don't know what to do. He isn't saying he doesn't "want" me he is just not answering and telling me to stop mentioning this topic until I am "better." Please help!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, MutantKitten  +, writes (18 January 2009):
 you seem hyperfocused on this guy.
3,000 miles is a valid reason for not wanting to start a relationship.
You know...you could always try a one night stand in your location...
ask him what he thinks!
You need to calm down about this and focus on something other than your therapy and other than him. Dance classes? Gardening? Rock Climbing? Yoga? Jogging?
You seem a little frantic, and like you need to find some peace in your life. Having another focus will help cleaar your mind. Trust me!
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