A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ok I posted a question a couple of days ago about my boyfriend. Basically he's the nicest guy in the world and we really get on, he's really snuggly and everything but theres a catch, he's really bad in bed. It started off me just thinking he was nervous about having sex with a new girlfriend but it hasnt improved. I would feel mean breaking up with someone just because they were crap in bed, esp' since everything else in the relationship is good so I've been trying to fix things. I took on board peoples suggestions from the last question and have tried to take the lead in the bedroom and be in charge, but that's not working either. We were in bed last night and things progressed towards sex and I was touching him and I said to him it would really turn me on to see him touch himself and he just refused to do it. He didnt touch me at all either. When we finally did have sex, he lasted literally just over a minute. It was awful, I'm not being at all sexually satisfied and admitedly, I felt a bit pissed off afterwards. I need help here. Hes a nice guy but he's just not cutting it in the bedroom - he never does anything for me in bed, it's all about him, and it feels as though as long as he cums, its ok. I need advice. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, lagavita87  +, writes (15 July 2011):
Hey girlie, It is time for tough love on this one!! If he is as nice a guy as you say he is then he will be understanding - although probably a bit embarrassed and annoyed with you at the time but if he really likes you he'll get over it. Sounds like you've tried hard to get him in the zone and he's blatently refused... this sounds harsh but he's either being a typical selfish man lol! or he's using you. Do what you did before - ask him to touch himself (or you for that matter) and if he refuses or does it half heartedly, get up and get dressed! BE A DRAMA QUEEN!! he will inevitabley ask u what's wrong and just say to him exactly what you said in your last message, "As long as he gets to cum, nothing else matters!" Tell him you love spending time with him and that you like him loads but you don't like it how he is treating you like a blow up doll! Tell him EXACTLY what you want him to do in bed... if he's not okay with that then ask yourself this one question, "can you put up with this in the long term??" sadly, i think we both know the answer to that... No. It's not fair and he shouldn't expect you to be kul with it. Hope this helps x x
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2009): Tough call...On the one hand, there's the simple fixes, like "keep looking into my eyes when we have sex" and just asking "What do you want to do?" (and then waiting until you get an answer).
On the other hand, it seems like he has a lot of baggage to unpack here. It really sounds like he's just not that comfy with sex being a fun, clean, happy thing to do. Maybe he's shy, maybe he has some deep seated hangups.
Sometimes the little fixes help the big stuff relax a bit, sometimes not. Try those first.
If you really love him, you can go through the whole sex counselor route. That can be a really great process for some. If it's a great relationship but not the be all and end all, well, you'll know when you've come to the end of your tether.
There's no doubt that if you love sex (and judging from your question you do and are basically comfy with your needs) and he's not happy with himself or sex in that way, it will be a stumbling block. One that has to be removed at some point.
I completely agree with Kevin - light and happy is good, it can take time, and you'll have to talk about what's not working and what might work for you at some point if you want it to get better. But like a good massage, hitting the sore point hard and fast may only make things tighten up (um, so to speak). That said, there's a limit to everyone's patience.
And on the plus side, you can use this process to make clear the type of relationship you want. One where problems, no matter how embarrassing, are discussed clearly and openly...well, that would be great, wouldn't it?
...............................
A
female
reader, lilly123 +, writes (17 January 2009):
 Sex is a major part of a relationship and if things arnt good in the bedroom it effects the relationship you may not wont it to but it will. I think you should talk to him about it tell him how much you like him and enjoy being with him but tell him you wont to try new things in the bedroom because come on we need foreplay men dont and maybe he does not no that or he just does not care even though its a hard conversation to have if you dont talk to him about this it will ruin your relationship. Good luck
...............................
A
male
reader, KevinKevin +, writes (17 January 2009):
Sounds to me like you have a real fun challenge on your hands. Firstly, try not to pressure him anymore into having sex... let him come to you. If there is an incompatibilty in your sex drive then this is a different issue all together. If it you are both needing sex as much as each other then your best hope (as I see it) would be to concentrate on the build-up and foreplay. Try to put off being intimate for periods at a time - tease each other and then stop. Do something else together. Build on this, and gradually work up to sex. It is as much about relying upon your partner to be respectful to you as you getting what you REALLY want. Trust me, this will come with time - if you work at it.
If you decide that your relationship is strong enough to approach this subject with himm then do it. Do it with a playful and fun attitude! Good luck :-)
...............................
|
