A
male
age
41-50,
*iller_cain
writes:This is a long story sorry.....I have made the worst mess of my life. I've been with a girl 4 years she is now 34, the last year I moved to a different country to be with her, I stayed at her place where she lives with her sister, only temporarily, but ended up living there and basically I sat around while she did everything for me, getting my visa sorted etc. - I got a job but otherwise, I was a useless thoughtless careless arsehole, completely withdrew into myself, didn't even talk with people at work, stopped going out and became a recluse, drinking on my own and way too much and dragged her down with me...I got so used to living this way - I didn't even notice. Even when she tried many times to get me to talk or consider the future, I never listened.On 14th of Feb just gone, instead of the ring she was expecting I got her worse than useless crap. That moment she realised I did not understand what would make her happy or what she wanted from our relationship, she was upset and angry like I never seen. The next morning she demanded a commitment from me and I walked out of the house while she was begging me to talk.That evening she told me our relationship was finished - I still didn't take any of it seriously. I moved out and now can see with sickening clarity all the crap I put her through. I have completely changed as a person since it all happened. But she seen her ex since - now is imaging a future with him - and won't listen to me. I have gone over every detail in my life and changed myself - but she is beyond anger, she is just too fed up with me to care. We can't even have space because we actually sit across from each other at work!I can't bail on the job, I need it to show her I am a responsible person - having never taken responsibility before. I have tried explaining everything I feel and now understand what I did to her - sometimes it seems to make sense to her, sometimes she is worse than ever - her feelings are very up and down. She tells me not to bother - she has feelings for her ex etc. - I know it's a rebound cos she is sick of me and I feel she would be with anyone who offered her hope and comfort now. When she thinks of being with me she just remembers all the stress and pressure I put her under and just the thought of that puts her in a pissy mood.But I really love this girl and want to do whatever it takes to get her back, I will still try to win her until the bitter end but the more I try the more I seem to push her away.It is all because of me and I accept this. I realise how much I have hurt her emotionally, but now I am confident in myself yet not hopeful of a re-union (if that makes sense) but I won't give up.I am Really sorry for the long read guys, I want to listen to anyone who took the time to read all my idiot-brain-created stupidity, If anyone can give me advice or even tell me to quit I will listen - I just don't want us both to regret the last 4 years of our lives.Again, Thanks for taking the time.
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male
reader, guytotalkto  +, writes (22 March 2013):
I'm going through the same thing everything u did i did to except drinking the best advice i can give cause I'm doing it too is just wait if he is a rebound guy chances are it won't work its gonna take time but I'm doing it too but it was someone else's word that broke us up we were working through it an i got kicked out and they told her i was no good and that she should go. back to her ex well I'm not giving up on her cause love does not go away so imma wait and work on getting her back its just gonna take time bro everything will work out
A
male
reader, killer_cain +, writes (5 April 2011):
killer_cain is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell guys after six weeks of telling her giving as much space as I could & over & over everything I felt inside & what I thought of myself & going through every detail in my life we are back together. It was down to being honest, realistic and in the end being the guy she loved in the first place.
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A
female
reader, TEM +, writes (11 March 2011):
 Your girlfriend is afraid to take you back. Your behavior had changed so dramatically, I think she is finding it to believe you are sincere. She may fear that if she takes you back you will revert to your old behavior.
You will have to convince her that your changes are real. This is not going to be easy, as you are finding out. She will need to witness the new you for quite some time before she believes you are for real and decides to trust you.
It doesn't sound like she is giving you much of a chance to explain yourself. Try writing her a letter (email). In it tell her how much you care for her and how sorry you are for the way you acted in the past. Tell her you didn't realize how wonderful she was until she was gone.
In my opinion you are really going to have to humble yourself, but after reading this post, I believe you will be willing to do so. Apologize for your behavior. Ask her what you can so to win her love again. You might want to show her this post because in it you are very convincing of your love for her and your regret for having treated her the way you did.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2011): Hello,
I'm sorry to hear about the break up of after 4 years together. Often times, the only way to find out how wonderful a partner you've got is after the fact. As for getting her back, it takes a lot of effort on your part - most importantly, patience, respect, love, and a willing to be friends first and to show her you've changed for the better. It will take a lot of time considering after all those years of unhappiness, it will take a lot...whatever it is to make her want to come back to you and you showing that you have changed for the better. I've been in the same situation before. My boyfriend then had treated me inconsiderately by having FWBs and telling me that they're just friends and nothing more. For me to think otherwise, he would give me the cold shoulder or tell me off. I thought I could trust him but he kept lying to me or telling me off. If I inquired about them, he would get mad and tell me that I'm the reason for us breaking up. He'd play that game over and over. I finally put my foot down and didn't go back to the relationship considering I didn't like what he was doing to me. He also kept me along in case one of the girls didn't give him the sex or what have you. The trouble also was these girls were also married. He and I were together for almost ten years and not once had he asked me to marry him. So, I figured, I can find someone else who's 100 percent much better and much more loving and caring. So I did and am happier now than ever. So, if you are truly the one for this woman, maybe you need to show it in some other way. No one likes being wiht someone tht treats them like dirt. I have no reason to go back to the other guy. He seemed a bit distraught when he saw me with my current guy and fiancee. He seemed a bit jealous and surprised that I found someone much more wonderful. You'll find someone else and will learn that it will be okay if your other woman doesn't come back to you. You'll be fine.
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