A
male
age
41-50,
*nluckyLove
writes:I've had this female friend for the past 2+ years. We've known each other for the past 5 years. She contacted me out of the blue looking for advice about her boyfriend (now ex) 2 years ago when we first started becoming friends. She never really took my advice. Anyways, they broke up about 9 months ago. She started to grow on me a lot long before this but I wasn't going to act on it. Just a side note, she used to always tell me that her other friends weren't really good friends at all so she could never "talk" to them or trust them for that matter. Anyways, her older cousin finally talked to her and got some sense into her head and she finally moved on from this ex...even though I gave her the same advice. Fast forward to the end of May. She was telling me about this guy she likes who lives 700 miles away. Then randomly, she told me she also had a crush on me. At first I was shocked, then really excited, and then 2 weeks later I told her I don't want to just be an option because it's just too hard. Anyways, our friendship took a huge blow. I mended things when I said let's forget any of that even happened, but it was hard for me to turn my feelings off just like that. It didn't feel like we were back to our old friendship either.She left for another country for the summer break to be with her relatives. A week before she left we were at a concert and she was making out with a random dude. I got really jealous. Her Twitter was blowing up from her horrible friends she always told me about saying, "yay you're finally a sl*t, get it in!" and telling her to hook up with more guys and garbage like that. The reason I liked her so much as a friend (and more) was because she was the exact opposite of this. She had good morals and a strong head on her shoulders. She didn't even care that she hurt my feelings until 4-5 days later when she finally apologized. She always said she didn't want to kiss just anyone and that she was waiting for the right person etc etc and I loved that about her. Well now she talks to these other friends all the time, referring to them as best friends, and I feel like I don't even matter to her now. They are horrible examples and I know it. I get so down knowing that she's changed in a matter of weeks. It's like she's trying to please these friends for no reason. It gets me so upset and it feels even worse that there's nothing I can do about it. I tried talking to her about it but it seems like she's built up a wall against me. She doesn't talk to me like she did before she moved me out of the friend-zone and forced me back into it. I guess these "other friends" have replaced me. She left the country in June for 2 months and the Friday after she left she was able to get on Skype...we were talking and all of a sudden she ignores me for 30 minutes. I looked at her Twitter and it said, "yay finally skyping with (bad influence friend)!" So I just signed off. That's the last time we talked.I haven't talked to her in 2 months now and she randomly likes a picture last week that I put on Instagram. I'm trying not to over think it but right after I posted a picture she posted a picture that she labeled, "Cousin playing with my Ted" (the teddy bear I got her before she left). I’m not making an attempt to talk to her because I feel like the ball is in her court at this point. I guess nice guys really do finish last and on top of it, I lose a great “pre-May” friend.Any insights or advice y'all can give? I just don't know what to say if she ever tries talking to me now that she's back...especially if she asks why I didn't talk to her all summer. I guess I shouldn’t get my hopes up.
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best friend, broke up, cousin, crush, jealous Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, UnluckyLove +, writes (22 August 2012):
UnluckyLove is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou're right. I hate this, I didn't even do anything wrong to lose her as a friend, but now it's over :(
A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (21 August 2012):
 Well, its your call, of course, but no, I don't think you should contact her. Wait and see if she gets in touch with you, and if so, what she says.If she is angry at not hearing from you, then it would be a good idea (in my humble opinion) to say that she evidently values her "friends" over you, and her behavior toward you has been very rude, inconsiderate and insulting.I mean, it HAS, hasn't it? Consider: she was flirting with another guy at a concert you and she were attending; you finally got to talk with her on Skype when she went abroad, and what happens? she leaves you hanging for a half-hour with no explanation and is allowing her "friends" to bad-mouth you during that time.Why would she talk to THEM in the middle of a conversation with YOU anyway? That's the height of rudeness.Besides, you have attempted to talk with her but to no avail. She just put up a wall (as you said) and refused to discuss it with you - let alone apologize!No, behavior - actions - speak louder than words. Talk is cheap - not that she's even been saying ANYTHING positive to you anyway.Again, it's up to you, but I invite you to think about your dignity and self-esteem. If a guy friend told you all about the horrible ways the girl he was interested in behaved, what advice would you give him?You deserve better.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (21 August 2012):
Well, its your call, of course, but no, I don't think you should contact her. Wait and see if she gets in touch with you, and if so, what she says.If she is angry at not hearing from you, then it would be a good idea (in my humble opinion) to say that she evidently values her "friends" over you, and her behavior toward you has been very rude, inconsiderate and insulting.I mean, it HAS, hasn't it? Consider: she was flirting with another guy at a concert you and she were attending; you finally got to talk with her on Skype when she went abroad, and what happens? she leaves you hanging for a half-hour with no explanation and is allowing her "friends" to bad-mouth you during that time.Why would she talk to THEM
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A
male
reader, UnluckyLove +, writes (21 August 2012):
UnluckyLove is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou don't think I should contact her first do you? That would make me look weak. I've probably already lost her anyways, as a friend.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (20 August 2012):
I agree with your last thought about not getting your hopes up.
She does sound quite confused as to where she stands with you and these so-called "friends." She seems to change her mind at(as the saying goes) the drop of a hat.
I think you have to conclude that she really doesn't see you as boyfriend material - maybe no longer as even a friend. That's disappointing and hurtful to you, but as you said yourself, there isn't anything you can do about it. It's not as if you haven't tried.
If she does contact you and asks why you didn't contact her, tell her the truth: she evidently prefers these "friends" and values them over you - so why would you contact her, if that's the way it is.
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