A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have recently got married for the second time. I have known my husband for 14 years and we were always really great friends. He has 3 children by different women and sees them all regularly. One is now grown up but the other two are 8 and 14. He is a very strong and independent man and exceptionally stubborn. He does not communicate well and will gloss over any issue he is unhappy with. Currently we do not live together as man and wife as we each have houses to sell. When we first got together as a couple he saw these children about once a month which I could cope with. These children are like gang members talking in street slang and dressing in clothes which are too tight and show every part of their bodies. Their mothers do not care saying they are expressing their individuality! I will not be seen out with them. Since we have got married their visist have become more frequent and last for longer. When I am there they follow me everywhere and spend their time with me as my husband basically ignores them and chats to his pals or goes out. I have worked hard professionally all my life and have a nice home, car etc. When they sit in my car they kick the seats and mark the leather and have no boundaries or understanding of what you have to do to buy nice things. They wear street designer clothes costing hundreds which is either stolen or paid for by benefits of some kind. I now know that I cannot move from my home and live with us all together as it would make me so unhappy. I myself have two well mannered boys who go to public school and speak and behave very well. I want to tell my husband that I cannot live with him and his children but don't want to offend him as they are his children and he loves them but I cannot live with them. When we were older we were going to live in France which I still want to do and he was happy with that as the children would be old enough to leave. My question is how would you say this so as not to cause offence and hurt. I love him but truly did not realise what a deal breaker his children and all the mother hassles would be prior to marriage.
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male
reader, bharat mehta  +, writes (12 January 2010):
 yes...the point. I like your presentation. After all you love his personality, but trouble for other point. If he feel disappointment, but you can recoup him by showing more tender love and language. Nicely done!!!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your deliberated responses. I sat down with him last night and calmly told him that I could not live in a house with us all together. He was surprisingly calm about it and said that he understood and that he would never make someone do something they clearly felt so uncomfortable about. He fairly poined out that these are his children and he cares for them but he does understand how their behaviour and the behaviour of their various mothers would put anyone off. I explained that I was happy to go and live with him in France when the children are older and that they could come once a month or so and for the holidays if they wanted to and he appeared to be ok with it. That particular day he had had a lot of abuse from mother number 3 so I think he got where I was coming from. He also agreed that they dressed inappropriately and that their language and behaviour was not what it should be. To give him his due he did state that I should have thought more about what it would be like and what the demands would be to marry a man with so much baggage and that that hadn't changed.
I think all in all it went the best way it could and he seems to understand although I feel he was deep down disappointed in me but behaverd very maturely and did not appear to hold it against me so we will just wait and see.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (11 January 2010):
 The level of offence your likely to cause your husband depends on the amount of compromise your willing to conceed about the children. If you just want the children completely out of the picture so you can continue your marriage as if they do not exist then I should imagine he'd be extremely offended not to mention torn...
If your willing to construct a plan with him so that you have less exposure yourself without denying him any contact then I am sure something can be worked out between you.
As much as I find your predicament irritating I accept that some people just simply cannot handle other people's kids, however I am surprised that you didn't become more familiar with the kids and prepare yourself for how things might change after you married their dad.
Having pre conceived prejudice without the ability or wanting to negotiate and understand some of the more 'unsavory' behaviours of growing kids is more than likely fuelling your annoyance.
Blood is thicker than water and all that so I feel that creating a rift to make your husband choose is unfair. He will be their dad for the rest of his life...if you cannot live with that then it's probably best that you file for divorce.
(Incidentally my kids, both girls, grew up talking street talk and dressed exactly as they wanted. I had to grit my teeth on several occasions when they pushed every boundary going but I would never have described them as 'gang members' My youngest was particularly trying and I did have days when I feared for her, but they are both adults now, both finished their education with flying colours and both are working hard. My divorcing their father when they were in their early teens had a massive impact on them both but I and my family gave them as much support as we could and they came good in the end)...
Maybe consider how the kids are feeling and try and look at the big picture rather than just thinking about yourself.
Apologies for the tough talk and the best of luck to you
Aunty Em xxxxx
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (11 January 2010):
 It seems like you would've figured this out long before the marriage took place, since you've known each other for 14 years. But nonetheless, I think you should sit your husband down when they are not there, and just be honest. Be tactful, don't be angry or overly critical, just simply tell him that you know his kids probably have good qualities, but some of their behavior annoys you and ask him to help you figure out ways to blend them into your lives without it being a nightmare. He may have some good suggestions. If not, you will either have to endure until they're old enough to leave home, or file for divorce. What would you if someone you loved told you they didn't like your kids? I know it's hard to believe but if you put yourself in that situation you will come up with a loving, compassionate way to say what's on your mind.
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A
male
reader, bharat mehta +, writes (11 January 2010):
your is very complicated problem. It is not sexual problem, or problem related to anything, we call human nature. But, it is a social or more cultural problem.
Your presentation sound very intelligent, and make me to think, you are very cultured, so I suggest you to find out some good language which will say truth but which will not hurt your husband's emotion.
After all it is problem of presenting some truth, in fine language.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (11 January 2010):
You have a choice. Accept him and his kids as they are, or end the marriage. You can't change him, and you can't change them.
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