A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I had been in a relationship for two years. From the moment we met our love was very passionate and intense. However, are fights were also very intense. From my opinion it appeared to me that he had a very bad temper. When we would get in fights he would twist stories, lie, and threaten me like ruining my social life. I would of course either cry or scream at him back for being so cruel and stubborn. We would then make up and it was almost like it never happened but soon something would set him off. Our fights would only occur when he was stressed and took it out on me by verbally attacking me or when I needed him to be there for me like an important event and he would bail last minute. Parents and friends started to notice that our relationship had become very toxic. Everyone was on my side , except for his parents, saying that he did have a very bad temper problem and I wasn’t the first person to notice it. However, his parents blame me like I’m the one causing his behavior and that I just need to tolerate it and not be so emotional. They then started to not like me because in their mind I made their son look bad. To him and his family when he is angry its okay to say inappropriate things because people say stupid things when they are angry. In my opinion I disagreed with that statement because I feel like conflict can be solved without fighting dirty. After 2 years of this I finally broke off the relationship. We have been broken up for 2 months now. Recently he has gotten in touch with me he was hysterically crying and promising me that he has changed that he has grown up a lot and wants us to give it another shot. But because of the dysfunction that plagued our relationship no one wants to see this relationship continue We both still have very strong feelings for each other but don’t know how to go about everything. He wants to take things slow and start from square one. Long story short he introduced the fact of an open relationship until everyone accepted the fact that we were on speaking terms. Because in his opinion its not like we can talk, hang out whenever we want since so many people are against us being together. I’ve never ever been in a situation like this. I also do not know how i feel about an open relationship and I have no idea how to take what he has told me or know what to do next! Help! :(
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (4 December 2013):
 We (guys) don't change that much... OR, that quickly.
What has happened, I assure you, is that he is going through a sexual "dry spell".... and he knows that you and he had great "make-up" sex whence you were poisoning one-another in that sham of a "relationship" that you and he had going..... and, he wants to test the waters to see if you are desperate enough to get back in bed with him...
Don't.
Good luck....
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2013): You covered a full page describing the past horrors of a toxic and abusive relationship. Then would even consider returning to a situation that could bury you six feet below the ground.
Men with anger issues are dangerous. He will never seek help; because his own parents tell him it's okay. They are the culprits behind his dysfunction. They're fighting caused a caustic environment for him growing up. He is the monster they created. Then they dismiss his terrible behavior, and blame you. How on earth could you even consider maintaining contact with such a guy with such a past? Parents included!
Even if he did get help, your presence will reopen buried
and suppressed issues from the past. That could cause his anger to resurface, and he's back to square one. His issues are there; because he doesn't know how to treat someone like you. You admitted he can't resolve a disagreement without fighting dirty. It takes years of therapy to help people like him to learn self-control and anger management.
He may even have an undiagnosed mental disorder. He and his parents are in deep denial; so he'll never seek help.
That's because therapy may include digging up dirt about his family!!!
Without a doubt, he has damaged you to the degree you may need therapy, if you feel any urge to return to an abusive situation. An angry man who cannot control his temper and has a propensity for verbal-abuse, will also be physically violent. He will hit and destroy things, until he gets around to hitting YOU!!! You didn't and won't admit it, but I am almost certain without a doubt, he has roughed you up.
You might even lie to protect him. I know there were times you were terrified of his rages against you. Words are as painful as a punch!
How much can a monster change in two months?
It's you who is weakening and missing him!
He could do you considerable harm, and has already damaged you emotionally; if you would even consider returning to this situation, knowing why you left in the first place.
Victims of abuse sometimes have post traumatic stress. It may manifest in subtle ways. They think they're okay. When they consider returning to the scene of the original environment where they were abused, to the same person who perpetrated that abuse...they need help! Serious help! That's where family and friends come in, to make you reconsider!!!
You need to seek counseling to open your eyes to the potential harm of an abusive relationship. You need to break all contact from him. He will cry crocodile tears, make outrageous promises, and offer your the moon and stars. If you fall for that, than he has full control over your sense of reason. You are convinced that his past behavior was your fault.
IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT, AND IT NEVER WAS! HE IS AN ANGRY AND ABUSIVE MAN WHO NEEDS HELP; AND YOU NEED TO STAY AS FAR AWAY FROM HIM AS PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE!!!
If you feel the compulsion to return to him, seek help first; to make sure you aren't returning due to residual emotional damage from being a victim of abuse. If you have a clean bill of mental health, then you are capable of maintaining healthy relationships; and you will clearly rethink returning to that beast.
If you return, and there are more disagreements. He may become more violent; because he knows you may leave. This will compel him to restrain you in someway. He will isolate you from your support systems, and use every tactic he can to force you to stay.
Yes, people can change. Let someone else benefit from the new and improved version of a supposedly former abuser. You had your experience, and it was a nightmare. Your love was and is misplaced.
I hope if I don't get through to you, the lady aunts will!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 December 2013):
 The first person who should not want to see this relationship restart should be you !
OP, are you serious ? do you really think that in the generous offer of an open relationship , kept secret to the world, with an hysterical, ill tempered guy is there anything remotely positive for you ? How come ?
If his famiy believes that it's allright for him lashing out when he is angry,( which is often ) , behaving inappropriately, calling names and in general throwing huge tantrums - let them bask happily in their beliefs and let THEM handle this caveman of an ex. But maybe YOU have been raised in a different family with different rules about right and wrong, or, even better, you made your mind on your own about what the rules are to be and what you can tolerate or not . If you git to the point of breaking yp with him, it means that regardless of feeling in love, - you can't tolerate this kind of behaviour ,and I don't see why you should, to make his family or friends happy.
But he says he's a changed man... yeah well, I have strong doubts that one can make a complete turnaround in just 2 months, I am pretty sure that he says what you want to hear. Anyway, I could perhaps understand that you wanted to give him a second chance, if he wanted to take seriously any chance to show you that he has REALLY changed. But how is he going to do that in the context of a casual ( and secret ) fuck buddy type of thing ? I guess maybe the idea is that if he sees you only when it's strictly necessary, and if he hangs out - or hooks up - with other women, then you'll grate less on his nerves, he will be able to put up with you a bit more and won't need to focus on you the anger you trigger in him.
What a lovely, romantic, flattering sentiment !
Any woman would be enchanted by it.... NOT !
OP, I get that you like the guy and you got attached to him whether he deserves it or not and all that jazz, but, please, send him packing with no hesitations. And if you find yourself having STRONG hesitations - then is a signal that your level of self esteem is dangerously low , and your level of confusion and desperation dangerously high.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 December 2013):
 2 months and he is all CHANGED? Really? YOU think that is even remotely possible?
I think you NEED to cut the contact 100% with him. He is quite the controlling and manipulative guy isn't he? And this crying and crap is just a new form of manipulation he is trying out, and.. it have you doubting doesn't it? Doubting yourself and whether breaking up was the right thing?
You already spend 2 YEARS of your life with this guy and it DID NOT work out. WHY even consider wasting more time with him?
Because if you honestly think, a person can change and do a 180 in 2 months with no help (counseling, anger management, whatever) then you are in serious denial.
The fact that he suggested an "open" relationship leave a LOT to the interpretation of JUST what an open relationship it, my guess is, so HE can do whatever and you are stuck with him again.
You friends and family are looking out for you. They have seen how the last 2 years took a toll on you, I'm sure they have heard a LOT of what went on as well, so NO WONDER why they wouldn't want you to go back to him.
IF you do go back to him, he will pretend to be the perfect boyfriend right up until you start to relax and feel OK being back together then SLOWLY the old self will come back and maybe even more scary then before.
You got out. Please for your own peace of mind and safety. Stay out and cut the contact with him.
You are only in the 22-25 which means you have a LOT of living and loving to do still. He isn't IT.
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