A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Me and my ex broke up after 5 months together just over 4 months ago, reason being I was leaving the town where we studied at university. I was finishing my degree, she was just starting hers. I loved her and I wanted the relationship to continue, she told me she loved me but didn't want me to base my plans for my future around her. Shortly after we broke up she got with somebody else which hurt a lot and as result I've kept my distance since then.I left town just over a month ago now and we are in contact now and again via text messages which is fine. I'm moving on with my life and may possibly be getting involved with somebody new. I'm pretty happy with the way life is going. But now she's sent me a friend request on facebook (I removed her as a friend a little while after breaking up having explained that being reminded of her constantly was making a friendship impossible). Even though it has been months since we broke up, I still don't like the idea of finding out what's going on in her life every time I log on. I prefer it as - if there's anything I want to find out about her life, I'll ask her. I'm worried I'll see things or read things on her page I don't want to see/read and that this may open up old wounds. Is that strange? After being apart for so long, shouldn't I be comfortable with that by now?Anyway, I ignored the request at first, but then she questioned me about it. I simply said that I'd received it, but that I wasn't sure whether to accept it and that it had nothing to do with me not seeing her as a friend. She didn't reply. This makes me think am I being too sensitive? What do you think?
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (29 June 2011):
 I dont neccessarily think she is being spiteful by wanting to do a bit of Facebook stalking, it is probably harmless, but as you said yourself in your first follow up "she'd rather know what was going on in full" - so she is obviously noticing when you are posting on other friend's profiles etc and she wants to know exactly what you are doing, rather than having these little snippets. She might just be nosey and wants to see what is new with you, or maybe as I said she might want you to see her new life - but that is only a might. The only definite is that she's nosey and wants to keep up to date with your life.
She will probably just be a typical girl, who wants to see if her ex's new girlfriend is prettier than she is, or if he is doing anything new in his life. Not neccessarily spiteful, a bit pathetic and pointless maybe but very typically female.
I do wonder why you want to keep her as a friend and why you dont like letting go of a friendship? Why would it be a shame to rule out friendship?
I guess I am the sort of person that is never friends with an ex unless we went through a lot together and it would be a real shame to lose that person from your life. One of my ex's had a really tough time when we got together, his dad died 2 months into our relationship, his mum had died when he was 6 and had no other family in the UK. We went through so much in those few months that I have maintained a friendship because I want to be there for him when he needs a friend who knew what he went through back then. And because I was closest to him at the time, it makes sense that we are still friends.
But all my other ex's I have no real need to keep them in my life - it only causes issues with new relationships (no-one likes to meet someone but find they are still friends with an ex, it makes them uncomfortable and there will always be little doubts around this), and I have enough friends in my life without needing former romantic interests to add to the friends pile.
I guess I have always viewed people who keep their ex's as friends as people who like a back-up plan, just in case circumstances work out in the future so they can get back together, or to always have someone to fall back on if they get a bit lonely. Maybe that's just my opinion, but wanting to be friends with an ex rings alarm bells for a number of reasons.
But it sounds like you are moving on and are happy again which is good, I think you should keep doing what you are doing and hope she grows up a bit and is happy with texting. After all, if she wants to know what is going on in your life she can text you to catch up, she doesnt need to sneak around on Facebook checking up on you!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, I too have done some Facebook stalking in my time. I think it's something a most people are guilty of now and again. I am past the stage where I'm even curious about what's going on in her life. I tend to just think of it as "she's moved on, she's happy" so I'd rather just let her get on with that and focus on moving on myself. Why put her before me, right?
It saddens me to think that she would be so spiteful if what you're saying is true (and I believe it is). I find it hard to believe that she would intentionally be doing it, after all our break up was mostly circumstantial. But even if this is just a case of her being nieve, her thoughtlessness is hard to fathom. Nonetheless, it is glorious to be in a position where I have control. She can only get what she wants if I allow her to, and I'll only allow her to after I've gotten completely over her, have moved on and am entirely happy (and even then it will only be if I want to).
I accept that I may still have feelings for her, but these feelings are diminishing. As much as our relationship was very good and very enjoyable while it lasted, I understand that there are plenty of other people out there for me and I am keen to move on and find them. I've met a couple of girls since the break up, I've dated and really enjoyed the company of new women. I'm just taking it slow and not rushing in to anything and it feels natural. Yes, I still have lingering feelings for her, but moving on is my mission now and I want to complete it.
While I may not cut contact with her as such as you have suggested, I certainly have no intention of contacting her. If she wants to contact me I'll allow her to, but I'm not in any rush to speak to her after all this. It may sound stupid but I never like to rule out a friendship, and insisting on no contact will surely kill any chance of that. Now is clearly not the time for it, but maybe in months or years to come we can be friends then if we both want to be. In all probability we won't, but still, it'd be a shame to rule it out entirely I think. Does that sound daft? I hope most of it made sense.
Thank you so much KC, I really appreciate your time and effort for the advice. If you'd like to reply to any of the points above then please do, but I've taken up a lot of your time already and I'm sure other people need your advice more than me. That said, I'm incredibly thankful for the help you have provided, your words are very wise indeed. Thank you again!
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (29 June 2011):
I can tell you now, the only reason she wants to be your friend on Facebook is to do a bit of Facebook stalking and see what you are up to. It is not for 'friendly' reasons, after all, often you dont communicate through Facebook, you just post updates on your status, and the occasional photo and comments on other people's status. It is not like she wants to use Facebook as a nice way to keep in touch - she just wants to check up on you and see if you are dating anyone new basically.
Us girls can be pretty pathetic at times, and I guess even you men are guilty of the occasional bit of Facebook stalking on an ex. But as girls, even when we have broken up with an ex and have no feelings for them anymore, we still want to know what they are doing, and if they are dating a girl more attractive than we are. Petty, yes, but very common!
Thats the only reason she wants to be friends on Facebook - so yes, she is being unreasonable in a very typically female fashion. She may also want you to see how happy she is now with her new life, sometimes girls like to rub their ex's nose in their wonderful new life with their wonderful new man. Again, that is pretty horrible but some girls are like that.
Text messages should be more than enough for her - it is far more private and personal than Facebook and if you want to stay friends, it is far better than secretly stalking each other from afar on Facebook. She is being very silly, very immature and doesnt have any good reasons for being friends with you on Facebook, apart from her own selfish reasons of keeping tabs on you and what you are doing. She is just being incredibly nosy when there is no need for her to be!
In all honesty, I dont know why you are friends with her at all. Friendship with an ex NEVER works if there were still feelings involved at the end - and that was the case for you, you said yourself that you loved her and wanted the relationship to continue. If one partner still has feelings for the other and doesnt want the relationship to end, then friendship will never work because friendship only allows those feelings to linger and never fully go away.
You dislike disappointing her - you clearly have some strong feelings still there so I dont think you can even handle texting at the moment. If you might be getting with someone new, then that worries me because you are not over your ex and there are some strong feelings lurking around, if you really are serious about moving on and meeting someone new I suggest you end the friendship entirely and cut contact with her. Any new girl that comes into your life is not going to be thrilled with her man texting an ex, let alone a girl that has the power over him to make him feel sad when she has a little tantrum over something silly, and is able to make him worried about disappointing her.
If you really want to move on and stop her having this power over you - you have to end the friendship for good. But if you cant do that and feel the need to keep her mobile number and keep texting her - then be prepared to feel this way a lot longer and continue with these sill disagreements. You have managed to have a little fall out with an ex - you are not even in a relationship yet you have had a mini-argument! How silly is that?!
Have a think about this friendship, and whether it is actually a good idea to have her in your life at all. In my opinion the feelings you have still are too strong and you are just slowing down the process of moving on by keeping her in your life.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you KC, you took the words out of my mouth! Your reasons for not accepting her request were identical to my own, I'm glad I wasn't being irrational!
She did finally reply to my message saying I should accept the request and if I needed to delete her again she'd understand. I explained how I liked things as they were as there was no risk of seeing/reading anything I didn't want to see/read. I also said that I hope she understood and wasn't annoyed. Her replied was much colder than the last message. She said she was a bit annoyed because she keeps seeing me whenever I pop up on one of our mutual friend's pages and she'd rather know what was going on in full as opposed to a "bi catch up" through text.
I told her I didn't think it was fair of her to react that way because all had done was been honest with her and to myself. I said if this was a serious problem for her then I don't really know what I can do about it. I haven't heard from her after that.
Do you think she was being unreasonable? What can I do? I know in my heart I can't handle facebook friendship, but clearly text messages aren't enough to satisfy her. I know I shouldn't feel sad, but I do. I feel like I should be able to handle this, but I know I can't and I know that I'm disappointing her and I hate doing that as well. Anything more you can add KC would be very helpful. Thanks again!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you KC, you took the words out of my mouth! Your reasons for not accepting her request were identical to my own, I'm glad I wasn't being irrational!
She did finally reply to my message saying I should accept the request and if I needed to delete her again she'd understand. I explained how I liked things as they were as there was no risk of seeing/reading anything I didn't want to see/read. I also said that I hope she understood and wasn't annoyed. Her replied was much colder than the last message. She said she was a bit annoyed because she keeps seeing me whenever I pop up on one of our mutual friend's pages and she'd rather know what was going on in full as opposed to a "bi catch up" through text.
I told her I didn't think it was fair of her to react that way because all had done was been honest with her and to myself. I said if this was a serious problem for her then I don't really know what I can do about it. I haven't heard from her after that.
Do you think she was being unreasonable? What can I do? I know in my heart I can't handle facebook friendship, but clearly text messages aren't enough to satisfy her. I know I shouldn't feel sad, but I do. I feel like I should be able to handle this, but I know I can't and I know that I'm disappointing her and I hate doing that as well. Anything more you can add KC would be very helpful. Thanks again!
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (28 June 2011):
I think you are perfectly reasonable not to want to have her as a friend on Facebook - seeing an ex's life, especially with a new guy is never nice regardless of how long ago you broke up. I have 2 ex's on facebook and I always feel weird when they get a new girlfriend, and I split up with these guys 6 years and 3 years ago respectively!
Keeping in touch via text is very different to Facebook - with a text you are in control of when you speak to her, what you say, and you can have a pretty good idea of what she is going to respond with. But with Facebook, you could just be on there browsing and then all of a sudden there comes a picture of her and the new guy kissing or something like that...and it totally throws you. You cant control what you see on Facebook apart from adding or removing people as friends.
I think you are totally justified in not wanting her as a friend on there - just send her a text to explain that you are fine with occasional texting but at the moment you are still not comfortable with being friends on Facebook and seeing everything that is going on in her life, and you hope she can understand.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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