A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm 30 years old, divorced with one child.About a year ago my ex and I split up. Around that time I started talking more with a girl I'd known for a while but hadn't been close with. She lived a long ways away and at first it was just friendly. After a month or so, I started to get pretty attached to her. I slowly changed my life so it revolved around the time I would get to talk to her. I was really bad at showing her that I cared about her because I was so scared that she would think I was needy due to my previous relationship ending so recently. We had planned to get together in the summer. About the time that we had planned to get together, she started to pull away from me some. She stopped answering my calls, returning my emails and text messages. I thought I had done something wrong and that she was ignoring me. I was crushed, she was still participating in an internet community that we both frequented, but she was ignoring me 90% of the time and I didn't know why. In previous weeks we'd send texts and call sometimes many times a day. Now I hadn't heard from her in 2 weeks and she wouldn't respond when I tried to reach her. I was hurt and angry and I missed my best friend who I thought I'd never get to see or talk to again. I told a friend of mine and he thought the answer was to hook me up with someone, so he did. It was a mistake, this girl was essentially a whore who only wanted sex and I regretted sleeping with her immediately. However, the following week she called me and I found that she was someone I could talk to, it occupied my time so I wasn't sitting around missing the girl I loved. I know it sounds horrible, but I tried to replace the girl I loved. The following weekend, she asked me to come out with her, so I drove 100 miles to where she lived, sat in a bar and had a few drinks knowing exactly what she wanted. When the time came, I couldn't do it and I told her I was going home. I lied and told her that I had to pick up my son early in the morning and couldn't stay out any later. She believed me.We talked some in the next few weeks, I basically used her as a sounding board for all of the things in my life that I was upset about, and all the while she kept trying to find a way to get me to go out with her again. During our discussions I told her that I was going to a concert in a few weeks. She told me she might go if she could find a sitter for her kids.The following weekend, I was out of town, and my girl came back to me. She'd gone through a rough time in her life but she was happier now and she wanted to talk to me. She was sad because she thought that we might never get to see each other because of the distance and money. I told her that we could be together if we wanted it bad enough, and not to give up hope. I loved her, but I was still hurt by her and so scared that we would go through the same situation, getting my hopes up about being with her and then having her go away again, I never stopped talking to the other girl. I should have immediately, but I didn't because I was selfish.the next weekend, I went to the concert, the whore girl showed up there too. I didn't try very hard to avoid her, but I didn't want to be with her. I had been texting the girl I loved all day. Around dark the concert started and to save phone battery I turned my phone off, telling my girl that I would text her in the morning and had to save battery since I was camping and didn't know when I could charge my phone next.Through much drugs and alcohol, one thing led to another and I ended up having a very short very unsatisfying sexual misadventure with the whore girl. The following week, I couldn't stand talking to the whore girl anymore and I started to ignore her. about 10 days after the concert, I told her that I didn't want to see her ever again and to please leave me alone. After I asked her to go away, I told the girl I loved that while she was gone, I'd been with someone. That I wished I hadn't and that it was a mistake, but I didn't tell her about the concert. Soon after my hope of getting to see her finally came true when I managed to gather enough money to go and see her.Things were great, one thing led to another, she moved to be with me. We've been together for 6 months now, so happy it feels like a dream. We're expecting a baby in about 7 months and we want to be together forever.But she was always suspicious about the other girl because of things I had told her in the past. She kept asking and asking and finally this past week I told her that the night I was at that concert, what had happened, after months of lying about it.I'm crushed, I feel worthless, I feel like the only person in my life who loved me has been hurt by my selfish actions. She's crushed because she feels that our fairytale beginning is ruined. She feels like I'm a different person because of what I did. She thinks everything I've ever told her has been a lie, she doubts everything I say and it's my fault. I don't blame her. Because I lied about it for so long, she thinks that it was all much worse than it was, because she doesn't believe anything I say about it.I love her more than life itself, and she still loves me, and we want to get over this. What do I tell her to convince her that I am who she thought I was before she found this out? That the only thing that could motivate me to lie to her was my own guilt so strong I couldn't face my own past? How do I prove to her that I love her and that I would never be unfaithful? Is there a way that I can explain that at the time it happened, though I wished it hadn't, that I didn't see us as being together even though she did? That I wasn't a happy person, and that my depression and hurt caused me to do things that I would never repeat?We love each other, help us get through this.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2010):
It sounds like you've had a pretty crazy time of it the last 18 months or so-
A year after you got divorced, you and an old friend got to know each again over the course of a few months, and started to fall for each other. Then she went quiet on you. She began to pull away because she thought she would get hurt by getting close to someone she might not ever be able to have. All the while you were getting hurt, because someone you cared for was dropping you after you probably felt a bit vulnerable after your split from your ex. It sounds like you were both trying to take care of yourselves when you made the mistake of first sleeping with this other girl, and she made a mistake when she began to pull away from you.
Then she came back- and you both decided that you cared a lot about each other, and wanted to be together and a week later you went to this concert, right?
It sounds like you are both in a good place right now (aside from this) and maybe that is why she is having such a hard time getting through it.
Perhaps, as she only just found out about it, she is comparing how she feels now, about something you did then. You would never sleep with someone else now, but at the time you had been going through an emotional mill- (divorce has long lasting effects- even when you think you're over it, you'd lost your dream girl and then got her back, but at the time you still didn't know what was going to happen between you.) It took you guys a long time to get on the same page- gently remind her (gently gently gently- i'd be pissed too if i was her,) of where you were emotionally at the time, what you felt and with the combination of alcohol, you made a mistake. Don't excuse or justify your actions, just explain how it happened. Then tell her why it won't happen again. Tell her it won't happen again because now you are in a happy, secure relationship, when back then you weren't, you were at the end of a very emotional time. It is no excuse- but she won;t be able to look past it until she understands why you wouldn't do it again.
I doubt it will be as simple as forgiving you, with everything going back to how it was right away. You will be the bad guy for a while, just take it bravely, as that is all part of getting through it. If you are who she thought you were, only your actions will prove it, give her your support and maybe do something romantic to give her back the fairy tale she feels she may have lost.
P.S -if she is pregnant her emotions will be up and down- taking a battering every now is a way of supporting her too.
I hope you and your girl are okay and that you get back on track.
A
female
reader, loops  +, writes (1 February 2010):
Firstly reconsider your use of the word whore for the other girl, you had a choice you didnt have to sleep with her, and you used her as an emotional crutch just as much as she used you for 'just sex', so it doesn't sit well with me that you are willing to call her such a degrading name.
Secondly, you seemed like at the time this all happens you didnt really know where you were at and that you flitted between the girls you were around to get over the first, and then the second, this isnt particulary the wisest of moves, however you were hurting and we all do things when we are hurting that we later regret.
You just need to be as honest with this girl as you have been in your letter to us, tell her you were having a bad time, you met her and you felt a connection, she dissapeared and you tried to get over her in all the wrong ways, and the concert thing was just pure stupidity, however unfortunatley this may not take the pain away of the fact you have hidden this fact from her for such a long time and you cannot take that away, its already been done, in which case you simply have to do some damage control of being very honest with her, and allowing her to hurt, and from personal experience i would reccommend making sure you cut contact with the 'whore' girl if you still have contact with her.
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