A
female
age
41-50,
*inc71
writes:How can i know if i'm in a emotionnal affair with my male bff (i've known him for one year)? I adore my boyfriend but i like the attention i get from my bff he listens to me and notices me more than my bf it seems. I'm addicted to it I think like a drug. I don't want to have a romantic relationship with him, i'm not attracted to him physically but we are so much alike and we do have a special bond. One look at me and he knows what i think (like my boyfriend does) He's also bff with my bf we all hang out together. My boyfriend of 17 years is secure and he doesn't mind. My bff doesn't flirt with me and got hurt by ex girlfriends who cheated on him so he wouldn't do the same. Neither would I my boyfriend is my soulmate. But my bff has been single since i've known him and now he met someone, it made me sick to my stomach. He introduced me to her (as his bff) and i was super uncomfortable. I'm just wondering if i'm only possessive of him since i'm the closest girl he had in his life? Did this happened to anyone before? i'm friend with a lot of guys (i'm the girl who's one of the guys) we all hang around the same people. I haven't had a male bff in a looooooong time. My boyfriend is also my bff but he's way more than that. I never been inapropriate with my bff, never said that i would be with him cause we would probably kill each other hehe we both have strong personnalities. It never happened to me in 17 years and i'm confused... Do i only like the attention? I know i am afraid that it will change our friendship when he gets a gf and the gf would probably hate me :-S I don't think he's better than my boyfriend cause he's not. I never wondered if i would choose him or not. The choice is cleared to me. Am i guilty of liking his attention?? Please help :-)
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male
reader, Wheeler  +, writes (27 August 2011):
 So often we look to others to find whatever is lacking in our relationships. This is understandable, and often necessary as it is difficult for any one person to be all of the things we need.
One question I have for you is has the new relationship your BFF is in changed his attitude or treatment toward you? Has he not been talking to you as much or anything like that?
My guess is that you very much enjoy and need the attention that you receive from this BFF. Perhaps you aren't getting that attention from your boyfriend, or not enough at least. Your BFF getting a girlfriend certainly threatens that attention.
The fact is you are not interested in being in a relationship with your BFF, that you have made clear. So if you don't like him being in a relationship, but you don't want to offer that to him either, then it has to be the attention and time he gives to you as a result of him being single that you crave.
In other words, you want to be the only girl in his life, but not necessarily his girlfriend. And the hard news that I have to deliver is that you may be being selfish in this situation. He was eventually going to find a girl, so the BFF that gave you all his attention could only last for so long.
Now, it is time for you to support him, make his girlfriend a part of the picture, and be the friend to him that he has been to you while you have been dating all this time.
Think about how he must feel when you have been going home to your boyfriend, and he has been going home alone. Or the times that he hasn't been able to hang out with you because you and your boyfriend are busy eating dinner, seeing a movie, or spending time with family? There must be times that you compliment your BFF, only to point out with a sigh that you already have a boyfriend.
It is going to take a little bit of getting used to, but it had to heppen eventually. Be the best friend you can be to him, and part of that means being supportive of his relationship. And even though you may not get as much attention as you used to, it should mean something that he is happy now.
A
female
reader, FaddedDay +, writes (27 August 2011):
 I understand where you're coming from. You're just being possessive,you're used to the fact that he is devoted to you, and that you and he are so comfortable in your little friendship bubble. You see his new girl as an outsider, and you're afraid that she'll take away that close connection that you have. It's perfectly natural. Talk to him about the fact that you want to make sure that no matter what you guys will still be bffs, and as you get used to the new girl, the sick feeling will come around less.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2011): is it possible that you've been subconsciously keeping your bff in your mind as a "back up" if things dont work out with your boyfriend, so now that he's got a gf of his own you're worried cos your back up plan is gone?
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (27 August 2011):
 Yes I do think you are in the position of having your cake and wanting to eat it too. The idea that he is devoted to you is what you like and crave. I think it's good he has met someone cause otherwise I think the whole situation would have become uncomfortable and complicated.
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A
male
reader, goalstopper +, writes (27 August 2011):
I've been the bff. He probably likes you. I would just be open to your bf and your bff. You don't want there to be more drama where more than 3 people get hurt.
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