A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:i am engaged to a wonderful man who i cant wait to spend the rest of my life with. There is one problem and it has been here since the beginning of this relationship. His ex girlfriend and him have a daughter together, and i love that little girl, but i absolutely hate the mother. She is constantly calling my fiance and asking for money(even though he already pays child support) and asking him to help her with things. I have told him that the only reason they should ever talk or see each other is when it has to do directly with his daughter, other than that i believe he doesnt owe her anything. What should I do, im getting fed up with this woman asking my fiance for favors and money that he no longer owes her, should i make it known to her that she is no longer a part of his life and the only reason why her number is still in his phone is for his daughter, and not for her or should i let something that irratates me go on. please help.Another thing i should probably add is that he only pays child support, he does not have any visitation rights, and she knows this and the second he doesnt cooperate with her, she takes his daughter hostage and wont let him see her.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2008): one thing you need to understand and accept is that there will always be some form of a relationship between your fiance and his ex because they have a child together. If he really wants to be in his daughter's life, it is in the child's best interest that both her parents have a functional relationship for her sake. she didn't ask to be born to two dysfunctional people...yes, I do mean that your fiance is one of them. those two owe it to thier child to be the best parents they both can be and that includes communicating with and getting along with eachother. it is wrong for that woman to be doing what she is doing. while there is absolutely nothing wrong with her for asking the father of her child for favors and extra money for thier little girl, it is definately wrong for her take his money and help and then not allow proper visitation. If fatherhood is truely somthing he wants to embrace, then he ought to make his visitation court ordered. now let's talk about what you are doing wrong. this little girl already had enough issues in her life without another woman entering the picture. what are you thinking? you are choosing to be with a man who already has a permanent bond with another woman because they have a child together. you cannot erase this other woman. they will never be dead to eachother, nor should they be. they both need to behave posatively toward eachother for the well being of thier little girl and you need to be mature and be supportive of that if you going to choose to marry this man. this takes a lot of maturity. His ex will become your extended family weather you like it or not. If all three of you really love that little girl than do the right thing and get along for sake. one more thing... it's not just about how he treats his daughter. How he treats his child's mother also matters. a well reputed family councilor said that one of the best ways to be a good father is to always treat the mother of your children with respect and consideration. If you are going to marry him, you need to be a good wife by being supportive of that.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (11 June 2008):
 He definitely needs to get court ordered visitation rights. Why hasn't he? It is up to him, not you, to set his ex right and point out the limits in their dealings together. If you have told him how you feel about this and he has done nothing to rectify it because he will be cut off from his daughter then perhaps once he gets visitation set up he will correct all this to your satisfaction. Until then however I guess you just put up with it.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (11 June 2008):
 He doesn't have court ordered visitation? Was the child support set up through a court? If not it's time to get that set up. That will legally eliminate her ability to use the child against him. Which I must add, is poor parenting in the first place.
As far as extra financial help. There has to be limits and boundaries. Over the years, I've loaned my ex money. It's been rare, but always had to do with something additional my children need.
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