A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for about 11 years and not satisfied or happy. Pretty lonely actually. My wife has no desire to do anything, including sex which we may have had 2 or 3 times in the last 3 years. I feel like I have to drag her along and we don't talk or have any similiar intersts. When we were first married she seem to want to do a lot but not in the past 5 or 6 yrs now. She doesn't enjoy sex, doesn't care if we have have it again and honestly, I'm not attracted to her any longer. yes, I've had sex outside the marriage and I know its wrong. I met someone recently who I love and want to be with. Problem is my wife seems content, doesn't see anything wrong and when I talk to her, she just thinks I'm going thru something. We've tried counselling, nothing. We have no kids but my family would be devestated if we split. I'm confliced. I love this other person and want to be with her and scared I'll lose her if I dont' do something quick. Just need advice, good or bad.
View related questions:
no desire Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2008): omg! You didnt mention your age,but break it off with your wife and go to the one you love. You have no kids, you dont owe anyone anything. They will get over it when they see the that you are happy.
A
female
reader, ButterflyKisses +, writes (3 August 2008):
While I understand that you are currently unhappy, I think it is only fair to be honest with your wife before you make drastic changes in your life (i.e. leaving your wife). I would tell your wife that you are unhappy and contemplating a seperation/divorce. If you do still love your wife, there may be a chance that she is willing to do something more productive than she has in the past (i.e. counsling) to make the marriage work. On the other hand, you may find that she agrees with the seperation/divorce idea, but was too scared to talk to you about it. The key is to be honest with your wife and put her feelings first. Afterall, you never know if you will one day be drawn back to the woman that you fell in love with so very long ago.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2008): it doesn't matter much what anyone else would think if the two of you went your separate ways, family or not. It's your future you're talking about, not theirs. They obviously don't see behind the closed doors of your marriage, but if they did and realised how miserable you are in it, I think they'd probably support any decision you made to leave the marriage.
Making love to your wife as infrequently as you are being allowed to do cannot possibly be right. If I were in your shoes I'd do the same as you and find it elsewhere. It seems you've tried your best to put things back on track but if your wife doesn't see a problem you'll have an uphill struggle ahead of you wanting to stay married.
Speaking from my own experience, the prospect of a divorce ahead of you is daunting, but once you get the ball rolling you'll feel relieved that you've taken that step towards a much happier life. All I'd say about it is you'd be wise to have one door firmly shut behind you before opening another in front of you. A new partner will be dragged into all the bitterness and it won't be a very good start to the relationship as far as she's concerned.
Try discussing all this with any new partner. Some may be willing to put up with all the flak if they want to be with you bad enough, others may shy away from you until you're single again.
...............................
A
female
reader, KimmyDee20  +, writes (3 August 2008):
 First Of all ,
I would just like to say How so sorry I am about how you are feeling , you may not want to hear advice from someone who is a lot younger than you and who has no experience in marriage however fron an outsiders perspective , yes what you did in terms of adultery was wrong and its good that you identified that and that you tried everything in your power to resolve any issues you had with your wife through marriage counselling and others , but If i was in your shoes and realised there was no way of revamping the happy marriage you once had even after weeks or months of counselling then that would trigger from then that there would be no other way and to that I think its now time to sit with her and tell her truth that you want to leave this marriage and that you have met someone you feel this time you can truly connect with. The saying goes 'Truth hurts lies kills' at the end of the day you are both hurting in every possible way and if you decide to carry on the life that you both have the pain will get deeper and deeper and you will end up losing the one you truly love , she cannot forever and the who can end this heartache is you , and if your wife cannt see there is a problem then yes you can put a to to all of this , depsite hwat your family will feel after the long run it doesnt it shouldnt matter its you thats struggling not them and you need to do what feels right for you just think yeah your family will be devasted but that will pass , but remember its you that has to deal with this so its you has to do the right thing for you
I hope in some ways this has given you some form of comfort and wish you all the luck and keep us posted xxx
love and light to you
K.xxxx
...............................
A
female
reader, lexilou +, writes (3 August 2008):
 I think you are very unhappy and have to do something about it.
If you want to make the marriage work then tell your wife that things need to change and she has to start putting the effort in.
If you have tried and cant do anymore then leave her. It doesnt matter what her family will think you derserve to be happy too and cant stay to prevent them being devastated.
I think personally you should leave to be on your own first and then see how you feel about this other woman. If she knows you are leaving your wife and loves you too then she should be prepared to wait a few months until you get your head sorted out and have made all the arrangements you will need to make with your wife. I wish you luck x
...............................
|
