A
female
age
26-29,
*arahbeara23
writes:What do you do when you've fallen for a guy who just ^^^ks with your head?Okay so one of my best friends a while ago we admitted we liked one another, but not wanting to jeopardize the friendship we agreed to keep things normal. Well that didn't really work. The most we've done is held hands, kissed, and cuddled. But I wanna try and date. He on the other hand does not. He knows how much I like him and we continue like this anyways whenever we hang out. Sometimes we can act like normal friends. Other times not so much. I really like him and I just wish I knew how he felt but every time I bring up the subject he just says sorry or tries to change it.(And before anyone says he's just trying to get into my pants, that's not happening. He knows how I am and knows I won't do that)He's been one of my best friends for several years. And I can't lose my best friend but loving someone who I can't have really sucks... Any advice on what I should do??
View related questions:
best friend Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2016): He doesn't want to date! You know that but you want to get huggy/kissy/lovey.So you are pressuring him to what he doesnt want and because he doiesn't want to hurt you he responds a little.So the seeds of infatuation are sown.In your mind you amp it up out of all proportion to what maybe a genuine case of friendship to a very attractive girl.He says sorry because he's got you this way and he was just trying to be nice!But he may have a commitment elsewhere.So tone it down a bit!He is a man so let him know what he wants.He has his reasons for not wanting to date so back off and let the guy get on with his life.He likes you but doesnt want to take advantage of you.Respect him for his decision and dont take it the wrong way.Train those hormones to look elsewhere!
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (29 June 2016):
 Sorry, Sarah,
I think I really missed with my advice. I thought I understood what he was saying, but I'm wrong. He is being stupid. Like you he thinks he can kiss and cuddle and share secrets and not have a relationship.
Unfortunately for you, you have discovered that doing those things makes a relationship. So you are accepting what has grown out of the long term friendship between two healthy sexually compatible young people. He still thinks he can stay aloof and detached.
His maleness helps him with that. the kissing, hand holding, and cuddling don't hit his emotional triggers as hard as they do yours. So every kiss and every cuddle from him is a lie to you. He is taking the (nonsexual physical pleasure) and not returning the accompanying emotion and commitment. Guys can do that. Which is why Girls are counseled to keep away from sexual intercourse, and get the commitment first.
So here is the relationship he is offering you. You don't want to accept it. He wants to be Friends With Benefits. And he is Stupid, because FWB relationships don't work. Now you are thinking, FA, I told you he isn't trying to get in my pants. That is true he is perfectly happy with kissing and cuddling. That is the level of benefits he needs now. It is also the level of benefits you are offering, but shouldn't be.
Now with that straightened out we can go back to my advice. Take So Very Confused's advice and end it. You want and need and are ready for a courtship relationship.
And yes you can lose your best friend because he tricked you into a FWB relationship that is hurting you.
...............................
A
male
reader, DarrellG  +, writes (29 June 2016):
 @Sarah,
Ok, well So Very is right you cant make him have feelings he doesnt I agree of course BUT in this instance I dont think the first answer he gave was the one that reflected his true feelings especially based on what your saying - it looks like hes using humour to deflect attention from what hes really feeling which is a psychological defence mechanism so the question is what is he defending/avoiding?
Of course, its possible because you WANT him to have these feelings your projecting and giving a misleading impression but I am going to go with my gut and assume that isnt the case.
You two are going to keep going around on this joyless merrygoround unless one of you learns the virtue of blunt communication and simply slaps it on the table and tells it like it is - if there are feelings there then giving that lead ***should*** encourage him to be less timid and defensive - think about it though, the worse that can happen is that you will find out there is nothing but friendship there and yes that will hurt like hell but in time you will heal and move on. You could potentially carry on like this forever though and what will end it is one of you will eventually hurt the other unintentionally by moving on with someone else, and the person left standing will be left with the joyless pain of wondering what if, if not for the rest of their life for a good deal of time, so, I guess the choice is yours. Good luck :)
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 June 2016):
 So which is it
do you wanna try to date or do you wanna know how he feels about you?
you list two different things.
He's TOLD you how he feels. He's SHOWN you how he feels.
NEITHER of which are what YOU WANT.
YOU CAN'T MAKE Him want you the way you want him.
You bring it up and he says "sorry" what that means is "I am sorry I do not feel about you the way you feel about me and want me to feel about you."
IF you can't accept him on his terms then the only thing you can do is end the friendship as it's too painful for you to continue hoping and praying he will change his mind.
...............................
A
female
reader, sarahbeara23 +, writes (29 June 2016):
sarahbeara23 is verified as being by the original poster of the question@DarrellGHe and I have talked about this before and he has said he doesn't want to date he doesn't want a relationship. He even cracks jokes such as hell be single forever. The other day he and I were even having a conversation about how he said I need to find a good guy, but the town we live in isnt the best to find one. I told him I know that, my luck is when I start to like someone and am serious about them they're usually not. He said that's the city of ours for ya. And I pointed out to him the only guy I do like just messes with my head cuz he says it's "fun" all he could say was "sorry lol" and then changed the topic. He changes the topic almost every time I bring it up, when I was at his house yesterday, I told him the stuff we do really doesn't help the fact I like him so much. All he could say was "I bet" and then went to blow up some fireworks.
...............................
A
male
reader, DarrellG +, writes (29 June 2016):
It stands to reason to my mind that you need to have another talk about this because you need to know where your stand. He isn't f*****g with your head from what I can see, though maybe he is giving you mixed messages have you considered the possibility he is rowing in the same boat as you? What is doing that is the fact you are turning this over and over in your head and thats what is causing you to feel like he is - dont say that when you talk to him else it will put him on the defensive. Be firm that you need to know in clear terms exactly where you stand but be aware as I said above that it is more than possible he may well be in a very similar place to the one which you are so be sensitive to that. There is nothing in what you say to suggest you cant have him - that is your ***assumption*** probably based on a certain degree of insecurity/fear of rejection on your part.The key thing here is that you are both trapped in this loop and to get out of it and the only way to do that is to communicate and take the bull by the horns. Good luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (29 June 2016):
sarahbeara23 writes, "I can't lose my best friend"
Sarah, like many young women you seem to have a lot of unrealistic expectations. You want to dictate the terms of the relationship. Not just to him but also to your own heart. And it has been a disaster at every turn.
First you sat him down and declared that the relationship between two emotionally intimate, hormone charged, sexually compatible, people would stay on a friendly level. Out of respect for you he agreed.
Then you proceeded to cuddle up, hold hands, and kiss. But No more, because you aren't that kind of girl. Except you are telling him something else with your Body. But he still respects your wish. Because he is your friend and he respects you. And Because as an american man he has been taught to let you make those decisions.
Now you want him to Date you. And it is his turn to say No. and you are confused and lost over this. But to a man this makes sense. He is saying to you by his refusal, "I respect you and your decision not to have sex or go any further and to be friends, so we will not Date and put ourselves in a position where we will go further and beyond your stated limits."
Now if you want to change the rules so it is OK to Date, you need to do it clearly, and with your eyes open as to what it means about the relationship. You need to tell him in words and actions that you are now ready for more in the relationship and you have hopes that it will go somewhere permanent. But if you can't say that, because it isn't true then you need to Back OFF.
You are at the age where you get off the Friend Ship and start looking for a Court Ship. You leave the group friends behind and start building a single relationship that is meant to be exclusive and long term. It may take more than one.
Right now you have a choice to make with your Friend. Let me make it as clear as possible. He can be your girlfriend, or he can be your Boyfriend. What do you really want? Does he agree? It's that simple. But be warned, most men don't want to be girlfriends.
FA
...............................
|
