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male
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*iggles
writes: Dear Cupid,I have been cheated twice by my wife. We have two lovely kids aged 9 and 10. I truly love my wife but I am now not sure whether I will be able to trust her again. She says she still loves me and wants to keep the family together. Sometimes I feel like a fool to continue loving this woman. TWICE SHY
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female
reader, jstagrlstckinmt +, writes (17 November 2005):
Well, I've been in the same spot you were with my ex husband. It was no more than a month or so after we got married that he started cheatin on me. The first time I was forgiving, the second time wasnt so easy. We have 2 kids together also and its hard for them when they see us fight or when he brings women home. I couldnt take it anymore so I did what I thought was right. I filed for divorce and now we have joint custody. I've been divorced for almost 1 1/2 years and it still hurts to see him with other women but atleast I know my kids are getting more love than before. My answer to you would be, once a cheater always a cheater. Try separation and see what happens. Sometimes all it takes is a little time apart to realize your true feelings about each other. And explain it to your children. Tell them that mommy and daddy needs a little vacation to figure things out and go from there. That is if you decide to try it that way. Like I said, we did try separation but we just were'nt ment to be together.
A
reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (17 November 2005):
 Trust is a delicate issue and takes a lot of time to build. Unfortunately, it is easily broken and the process then starts again. This is what you are attempting to do and it is hard. It is understandable how you are feeling; mixed emotions of wanting to remain with your wife because you love her but also feeling foolish by continuing with her.
Have you discussed with her why she has been unfaithful? There isn't any excuse available to attach to her behaviour but it is necessary to become knowledgeable of the reasons and thoughts that she has had.
The future, however, is what is most important. She wishes to remain with you; the children shouldn't get hurt but will you be happy with each other? It is enormously difficult to maintain a marriage when trust is lacking and as I'm sure you have already encountered, there are many side effects and issues that are hard to tolerate.
Letting go of the past and forgiveness can only arise if you are basically certain that it is unlikely to happen again.
I think couples counselling could benefit you and your wife as well as discussing the future in detail with her. Making her aware that you are unsure as to whether you can ever trust her may help kickstart her into behaving in ways that will reassure you.
Do remember that being unhappy within the marriage will not benefit the children but if you feel the marriage could survive, you both need to work on it together.
I hope this helps.
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A
male
reader, PsychicHigh +, writes (17 November 2005):
First off... You AREN'T a fool for loving her. There is something that is convincing you to love her, just she may not be seeing that.
First thing, see if you are doing anything either knowingly or unknowingly that may be pushing her away to do that. Ask those that are friends both both your wife and you, as they tend to have a better view on the whole situation.
If nothing comes up talk to her about it. Find out from her if there is anything you might be doing. Though she might not know a reason at first, give her time to think about it, but you may have to remind her to think about what she did and what you may be doing. She may not even realize that what she is doing is wrong.
A little a extreme, but you may have to try psychologists, psychiatrist, or marraige councilor,
I went through the same thing with my long time girlfriend. Though it was more-so cheating over the internet, but emotionally it is the same.
At first I didn't trust my girlfriend because I didn't know what to think of what happened. But I have realized myself that I wasn't doing my part to help keep her happy in this relationship. Not with just taking her out to dinner and a movie, but with general every day life.
Just remember to try to do what you can. Help her around the house, but try to turn it into a slightly sensual activity, arousing her more intrest back into you. Remind her that you love her, but not so often as where those three words become just words. Do what you can to show her that the relationship matters to you.
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