A
male
age
51-59,
*dkw2do
writes:Dear All,I have been with my wife for close to 18 years now. A lot has transpired during out relationship. We have had the good and the bad as most do. However I have had the brunt of most of the bad. During our time together she has had numerous affairs. I have forgave but never forgot. I have always been a very sexual person of which despite the affairs she really has not been. Most of the time the sex had become the 'tainting' part of our relationship to the point when we had sex it was mostly a reward if I did something for her in exchange. And most of that time she promised but never delivered. I also am and have been a very loving person, I like to cuddle and am very touchy feally. She is the opposite, always pushed me away and never liked to be physically close. Needless to say over the years her aversion and pushing me away has numbed a lot of the feelings I have for her. On top of that about 2 years ago she went on a gambling rampage where she was gone for days at a time, stealing, running up my credit cards etc etc at local casino's. She made up stories about being gone. She made mention of running into an old boyfriend but just went driving with him during one of these escapades. I don't really know if she had any additional affairs during these gambling outages. Never the less this onset of incidents put much distress on our family. We have had sex once in around 2 years as well. I am not sure if it's all my fault or hers. I told her over a year ago obtaining sex was to much of a choir and I was not going to try any more and she said fine. Since then I have not asked her for sex, I have put my self in sexual situations that inadvertently invited her into the picture but she never moved on it. I told her about 6+ months ago that I just did not feel the same about her and the magic was not there anymore. She begged to work it out. I told here we would try to work it out but she had to do her part on making me want to be with her and love her again. She really has not done anything different. She is gone at her moms more than she is home. But she wants to stay together.My deli ma here is several fold. First off, I am no longer sexually attracted to her so I do not have any incentive to push the getting sex side rolling again. I love her dearly WAY dearly, but I have come to terms I am not IN LOVE with her any more. I really don't know what to do. I miss the physical relationship with a woman. I miss loving someone and I miss being loved by someone. I want all the above and I really am most positive I will never see all three if any from my wife again. I don't have the heart to tell her I want to go separate ways and last time I tried this she fell apart and begged to work it out, but she does not do anything to work it out. I don't understand how she can even be happy. She cant be so why does she want to continue this sherade any longer?Because I don't have the heart to directly break hers I have considered having an affair on the side. And maintaining the relationship with her with the current status as she seems to be content with. Because I am dying here emotionally and physically. It is so hard being so lonely wile not being alone. I can't take it anymore I am about to loose it but I also can't imagine telling her I don't want to work on it anymore then I would be the one in fault.What do I do!??!!??!
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female
reader, ceme +, writes (29 July 2009):
I feel like what you're feeling is what my dad might be feeling :(
I figured out reading alot of post that men need
1. Love
2. Sex
3. Stability.
just wanted to tell you that :D
A
male
reader, Melaman  +, writes (18 January 2009):
I feel you on this. I'm in a very very similar situation with my wife. I have met someone else, but not taken it any further than friendship - only complicates matters if you do!
In the last few days, I told my wife I want to go separate ways and she's hanging around me more now than she has ever done before!! But, it's too late, emotionally and physically I am cold to her now. She pushed me away for years, sleeping in our 7 year old's room with him all the time, ignoring me and we haven't had a date since 2004, and that was just 2 hours in the cinema!
Sex is a chore and while I wait weeks at a time for when SHE wants it, she tells me to hurry up and it's all over in mere minutes. Then back to waiting for weeks or months!!
I am sick of it!
She's a great mother and great housewife, but we are NOT a couple.
Like I said, I found someone else, why? Because the new woman in my life loves me, treats me like a King, wants to make love to me everyday and talks with me more in three hours than my wife has done in three YEARS!!
My advice to you is, do NOT look back, just keep going forward, YES, you CAN be selfish in this case and think about YOU!! It's not going anywhere, you are very unhappy and that is NOT a way to live your life!!
Best wishes to you!
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A
female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (20 December 2008):
 You need to do what is right for YOU! You have given so much of yourself to your wife and family over the years, now your family is almost grown and your wife is not going to or willing to change so you need to sit down and give yourself a reality check here. Are you prepared to carry on looking after her the way you've been doing all these years KNOWING that nothing is going to get better... OR do you say to yourself enough is enough, I'm still young enough to get out there and meet someone else, I deserve to be happy too!
Lots of different emotions will be going through your head, sure you'll feel guilty, you don't want to be the one to break up the marriage but think about it... is it not better to have your freedom and sanity back again? To be able to meet someone else who will love you in the way you want and deserve to be loved? You'll still be able to see your kids, you love them to bits and that will never change. You can make provisions for your wife and kids money wise then get out there and start to LIVE again! This can be as difficult or as easy as you want it to be, you can sit and mope and dwell on it for months or you can take action and decide once and for all that it's time to move on. Once you've made your decision, everything else will fall into place.
We are all on this earth to experience but we are in charge of our own lives and only WE can make things happen or change things. You are living with the guilt and fear of leaving her but know this, FEAR stands for False Evidence Appearing Real... think about that. Fear immobilizes and makes it virtually impossible for people to think effectively because it bypasses the pre frontal cortex of the brain and goes directly to your right brain emotional center and is thus not even analyzed first! She will be fine, she has her mum who she seems really close to, she's not an invalid. She also has the children too, she's financially stable and tougher than she makes out. There is also plenty help at hand for her IF she wants it! You have tried everything in your power to make things work with her but she still doesn't want to try, she's quite happy in her life the way it is, you have cushioned that for her.
You've heard the saying "look after number one"? That, in my opinion is what you need to do now. You have been selfless for far too long. In order for us to be truly happy we need to be a little selfish sometimes. You have did everything you can to try and make a go of this marriage but it's all fallen on deaf ears. If you want to be truly happy then you need to be selfish and make that happen. Only then will you be the complete person you so want to be.
Regards,
~Eve~
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2008): wow, I think you could have your pick of many women. It's VERY unhealthy for your family to maintain this relationship. She has left the marriage 1st. Emotionally and physically. You are an example to your children and would you want them living this life? You really need to confront her and tell her you're reached your breaking point. You can tell her you love her, but you NEED a wife, and if she is happy to live at her parents home, then so be it. The only other option I see is professional (christian) counceling. This has brought hope to many marriages. take care
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2008): sorry but I would describe what I wanted in a relationship, ask her what she wants in a relationship, describe the conditions - commitments, give it 1 month & if it doesn't work get out - run run very fast.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2008): My heart truly goes out to you. There are so many women out there that would cherish a man like you! And you deserve so much more than you are getting. It's so unfair! It depresses me to realize how many dysfunctional relationships exist where only one partner is truly trying and the other does absolutely nothing.
You're the one who has struggled to keep the union alive, and now it's time for you to have some happiness!
Unfortunately...I don't have any easy answers for you because there are no easy answers. Obviously, she will never be the one to tell you she wants "out" She has it made! She is supported by you, she comes and goes as she pleases, and you do everything to care for your children.
Depressed or not she's living GOOD! She needs a good dose of reality! She needs to struggle a little. And you deserve happiness!
I was with my late husband for 16 yrs, and our situation was similar. He was bipolar, always depressed, used drugs daily. Spent all our money. For the last year, he layed on the couch and I went to work every day. He was abusive most of our marriage, but it got worse in the later years. At the end I feared for my life. I left him many times but always took him back out of pity, and promises that he would change. It never happened. It got so bad that I realized when he would rage, that one of those times he would kill me (maybe not intentionally, never the less, I'd be dead) I finally divorced him 2 years ago. He passed away in August of this year, of a massive heart attack due to chronic meth use! It actually says that on the death certificate!
I am now with a man who is the total opposite of my ex. He is caring, loving, responsible, and logical. He treats me the way I deserve to be treated! And I appreciate every moment of it!
I tell you all this because I know exactly how it feels to be so lonely and yet not alone. Seeing couples interact and wanting to cry. Sex was nonexistent for me too. Except when he was high on meth, and then it was more like an assault than sex. We never made love! There is a better life for you out there, I promise! But You're are going to have to come to terms on how you are going to achieve it.
Your kids are old enough to see what is going on. They Know what thier mother has put you through.
You would have to be the one to move out and do the right thing when it comes to support and helping out financially, but I think your kids will understand, eventually! Drastic times take drastic measures. The day I left my ex, we were in Tacoma Washington and I had had enough. I got out of the vehicle and refused to get back in. He left me there. I had no money and no way of getting back to Phoenix AZ. With help from my family I was able to take a 3-day bus ride home. It was miserable but even so, I had such a feeling of relief and empowerment! Where there's a will there's a way!
I wish you all the best, and hope you will find happiness in the New Year!
Britt
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 December 2008):
 Okay, this one is way out of my league. I did some googling and found these sites on borderline personality disorder, which I'm sure you've looked at already. I didn't proceed with googling bipolar because it seems that someone who is borderline often is bipolar, whereas someone who is only bipolar can be well treated with medication. Your wife sounds like the medication is not enough, as these behaviors are so extreme.
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/borderline-personality-disorder.shtml
http://www.bpdcentral.com/resources/basics/main.shtml
So it seems to me what you have to decide is whether or not you can tolerate the marriage the way it is. If you are waiting for her to do the splitting up, I think you will be waiting forever. Why would she initiate a divorce? She's cared for by you and probably your insurance as well is necessary for her medication. So there is zero gain for her to initiate this breakup.
You're avoiding doing it because you don't want to be perceived as being the 'bad guy' in the split, which of course you'll be labeled by your wife whether you initiate it or in the extremely unlikely event that she does it. She would have to blame you either way in order to be able to live with herself, my brief read of the information out there tells me.
So you're going to have to be willing to take those lumps. I think you have plenty of reasons that you could put out there to mitigate the smear campaign that she will no doubt instigate against you, or the pity party that she will want to start. I'd be very careful with how you manage this, and I think you do need to get a professional--a psychiatrist preferably--involved to help you through this. I'm in no way a professional, I'm just working from the stance of my own personal brand of common sense.
You have to figure out how she would live on her own, or perhaps she could move in with her mother? Can you pay her alimony? Keep her on your insurance for awhile? Look, you need to get all your ducks in a row, before you start this, so I have to suggest another professional: an attorney. I hate to think that I'm somehow contributing to having a woman with some mental health issues thrown out into the cold on her own, so I don't really feel good about this, and I expect you don't really feel good either.
She does get some disability, and with some financial support from you, she may have enough to live comfortably. But again, you have to tread carefully here; what I've read about this suggests that she will take this as abandonment and betrayal, which of course it is, but she will not handle it as someone with no history of mental issues might.
I do wish you luck in this, I think this is a hard decision whichever way you look at it.
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A
male
reader, idkw2do +, writes (19 December 2008):
idkw2do is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello,
Thanks for all the great answers so far and some of you have hit the nail on the head. There are things that I left out save writing a book. Tisha, you are indeed correct, she does have mental issues already know since teen years. She has bi-polar, manic depression and a border line personality. Which knowing the above when we got together I attributed most of her wrong doing to these mental issues. Hence the easier acceptance than most. In all these years she will not go see a physiologist on a regular basis, she does take anti-depressant prescribed by her family doctor. This part of her will never change. I have come to terms with that.
Someone mentioned roommate status. I found this funny because I told her along time ago that she was beginning to feel more and more like a roommate than a wife. She said she would do better but has not done anything different than she has before. Actions and words are definitely miles apart. When she stays at her moms on the weekends and stuff she always texts me good nite and love you. But when she is home she is just there. I have more emotional interaction with my daughter. My wife is like my roommate.
That leads into the other part I did not mention. We have kids. 14 and 15 youngest being my daughter oldest being my son. They know there mother has issues, they accept her being gone allot. They seen and been through the ups and downs she has put us through. They still love her and like it 'for the most part' when she is around. They always ask is mom coming home tonight? But I have always remained the stable one with common sense and keeping things together. How would this look if I was the one to officially send her away for good? That scares me the most. I don't want to be the reason mommy isn't around more than she is now. Just so daddy can have a girl friend.
I do have to admit I my self stopped working at things earlier in the year because honestly I wanted her to be the one to leave or break it off officially. This I could accept easily. Right this very second if she said I can't take anymore and want a divorce or separation I would be like, sorry to hear that ok lets make arrangements. I keep thinking out of all the times I needed her in the past and was so madly in love with her I had hard times keeping her mine. Now that I want her to say I cant take this any more and go she wont do it. What irony.
Lastly on the affair issue. The only reason I was considering this, well a couple reasons:
1) I really need female attention from someone other than my daughter. I watch 'girly' movies and I will be the one who gets teary eyed just watching the couple fall in love or see the gaze of love in each others eyes etc... I feel all warm inside and want it back so bad. Then there is the flip side of that and the plain animal desire of having a female for ya, you know.
2) Somewhere in my mind I rationalize with my self that if she isn't going to break it off that if I actually found someone and got that I feel loved, special and alive again that it may just give me the push I need to break it off. I would be able to say look I found someone, I feel alive, happy, loved, all the things that make you feel good. I want you to do that to, lets move on so we can both be happy.
Also I do know she is scared about being on her own as well. She never has been. She cant work, she gets disability for the mental disorder. She lives a great life now. I own a successfully business, she don't have to work. I cook, do laundry, do the dishes and take care of the kids. While she does some of the above some of the time and would probably argue she does more than she does but reality is what it is. So in a way I think she is holding on to the stability of the marriage as well and not exactly the happiness that's not there. That also makes it harder to let her go as well. I know she would have a hard time supporting her self on her own. *Sigh*
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 December 2008):
Your marriage deserves 100% effort from both of you. My guess is that she's been putting in about 10%, just the bare minimum to keep you from walking out. You may have been giving it 100% at first, but now you're down to her level too, right? Why bother giving when you get zippo but heartache, frustration and financial burdens?
Look, I agree with the aunt who said that it's actions that count here, not the words. By her actions, she's told you that she's not willing to do more than the bare minimum to keep the marriage "intact"; her words are all very well and good but there does have to be concrete ACTION.
So before you decide to have an affair (I'm not blaming you for that desire, by the way), do your last good-faith effort to save the marriage. I think that you need professional help, a marriage counselor is a must for you to work through things. She doesn't sound self-aware enough to be able to work on this with any success. It hasn't worked for the last 2 years, has it? And there might be things you're missing in your own actions and behaviors. I'm not suggesting that you're at fault here, it's just that there are always two people in a marriage, and you get to this place you're in now together.
She may have some mental health issues, compulsive gambling and her affairs sound like signs of desperation and stress. She may have a chemical imbalance, she may be playing out things from her past, she may have depression, who knows? This again needs a professional diagnosis.
It would be a pity to throw away a marriage for want of one last REAL try to save it.
Get her to see a doctor for a physical and referral to a therapist. You get out there and find a marriage counselor for both of you.
If she refuses these things, I think you have reason to give yourself permission to move on. She may be terrified of losing the stability and security the marriage brings to her, even if it is more of a roommate situation. But that's not enough of a reason for you to stay, and that's what you have to get across to her if she resists.
Forward, positive action on both your parts is what is required here before any major decisions are made. A trial separation could be considered a positive action if it initiates therapy and counseling. Propose that to her, the trial separation in combination with counseling, and let us know what happens.
Having an affair now will only complicate things in your head and will cloud the issues if and when you meet with a counselor. I know, she deserves to have a taste of her own medicine, I certainly would be tempted too in your shoes, but resist. Don't sink to that; honor and integrity sound like silly abstract principles but do not ever discount their positive, uplifting effects.
Good luck, keep us posted.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2008): You don't sound like the type of guy who would be comfortable having an affair. I think you are going to have to muster up the courage to tell her you want out. She has had many chances to get her act together, but although her words say she wants to work it out, her actions are telling you just the opposite! She is probably terrified of having to survive on her own. But you are not her caretaker!
I wish you luck in whatever you decide, but I still feel that telling her the truth is the way to go. You will feel better about yourself if you do.
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A
female
reader, SoftlyCaress  +, writes (18 December 2008):
 I say Its time to let her know you cant take anymore she seems to have very big issues and it seems to be getting worse and worse and I am feeling your pain If only My soon to be ex was so loving and caring as you say you are maybe things would have been different here but anyways dont continue taking her mental abuse let her go there is always someone out there that will treat you as you deserve and who s to say by you letting her go she wont change and decide all the silly stuff isnt what she wanted anyways .But most of all take Care Of You!!
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A
female
reader, SoftlyCaress +, writes (18 December 2008):
I say Its time to let her know you cant take anymore she seems to have very big issues and it seems to be getting worse and worse and I am feeling your pain If only My soon to be ex was so loving and caring as you say you are maybe things would have been different here but anyways dont continue taking her mental abuse let her go there is always someone out there that will treat you as you deserve and who s to say by you letting her go she wont change and decide all the silly stuff isnt what she wanted anyways .But most of all take Care Of You!!
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A
female
reader, wrhillgil +, writes (18 December 2008):
 I say do what you think is best. She's just as confused as you are. When she pushes you away she might not feel comfortable with herself, or how she feels about your relationship. If you are happy with her then stay with her just make her fall back in love with you. Or if you go w/ my idea leave her so you will be happier, less stress, you'll be free; plus whats the point of being in a relationship when she cheats, and if u dont love her as much. The relationship has died, so either end it, or bring it back alive....keep me posted
~Hillary~
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