A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I have been married for 13 years and have a wonderful wife and 3 kids. During this time I have always loved my wife, but have always loved her sister as well, but kept this info to myself. On a scale from one to ten, I would say that they are equally rated tens. The first time I met my wife, I knew I wanted her for my wife. The first time I met her sister, I was engaged, and it was love at first site with her too. I knew this would be an endless issue throughout the years, and it has. It has always been this way. I am extremely attracted to both, and love both inside and out. Our families have always been tight, and I can't wait to spend time with the SIL and her 2 kids... I always knew the sil's husband was a cheating prick, turns out that he was, but kept my mouth shut... Now her sister just went through a nasty divorce after being married for 12 years, and moved into our town from out of state. Now I know I'm screwed, because I know I will eventually say something to the sil,,, since my desire for her grows. Its inevitable that I will say to the sil that I love her sister, would never leave her, but am totally in love with her too. The recent thought came to mind of caring for the sil and her kids too. The thought of a non-polygamy, non-public "family arrangement", kids wouldn't know, would be a home run :-). I recently told her I would care for her after she was openly discussing her worries about what to do if her now Ex didn't come through with support... She mentioned "you would have a harem then, wouldn't you", and we both laughed it off. But it hit me when she said this, could I have a "harem"? Now my mind races.. It would be a winner for all, two busy moms helping each other, etc... My wife wouldn't have to put up with our libido clocks being off-she is more of a 4-6 times a month(drives me crazy), I am more of an everyday guy. My wife never ever initiates sex, if I had two I wouldn't care, even if they were both non-initiators. Assuming her sil cares for me the way I do for her, and is attracted to me as she has inferred throughout the years, she and hers kids would definitely benefit. Would all be on board? Would my wife share me? I wish I knew. Would my wife be totally hurt and/or jealous? If I communicate my dilemma to all, would they both then tell me to beat it, and I would lose both? Ouch! Am I living in a fantasy world or did the stars just align? What should I do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2011): I am the guy who has lived with his sister-in-law for three years. I wouldn't say I am stronger than anyone else. Maybe I am weaker than the average, too, because of the fantasies I have had. However, I left them as fantasies. The reason is that I examined the possible outcomes:1. Both sisters are okay with this, their families are okay with this, and their friends are okay with this. Neither of them get cold feet or change their minds later. The chances of this are very low2. Your sister-in-law is okay with this and your wife is not. There are three likely outcomes:2a. Your wife leaves you and you marry the sister-in-law2b. Your wife leaves you and your sister-in-law is also unhappy and/or leaves you because of the friction she caused with her sister.2c. Your wife decides to forgive you and stays, makes your life hell (you think you are not getting laid now?), you go to counseling, your wife forbids you from seeing her sister, and your marriage is damaged forever3. Your wife is okay with this and your sister-in-law is not. In this case, you will lose your sister-in-law's friendship. You also have to wonder long-term how this will impact your marriage. Will your wife decide 10 years from now that she's not as happy with this as she thought?4. Neither one of them is okay with this. You will be alone and wondering why you messed up so many livesStop thinking about this emotionally and look at the statistics which say that more than likely you will mess up your marriage with your wife and maybe your relationships with both women. You may lose support from your friends and family, too, if they find out and disapprove. To me, because I love my wife more than I love her sister, it was very clear cut. Ask yourself how you will feel if you lose the love of both or if you lose your wife (and kids) in favor of her sister. Are these scenarios you can deal with? I think that instead of fantasizing about having both you should be making a choice to commit to one of them and if it is the sister you better hope to god that she reciprocates
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2011): Are you living in an overly sexualized world in which your wife would still love you for sleeping with her sister? You sure are, because you aren't living in reality.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow... I agree with all of these replies! I read and reread 5 times, and this is really good insight, thank you. A few points as I go down the page... 1) re; turning the tables brother example-I don't think my wife "lusts" the way normal fucked up humans like myself do. Her libido is on off all the time. I think one man, myself, is way too much for her already. This sounds a bit like I'm bragging or something, but I think its true. Your right though, I would be pissed about the bro example! But I think this is apples to oranges. 2) They are close, not in age, and don't have a rivalry and never have. 3) I agree about "Kilcardy response" and the clouds forming... the shit storm, which is what prompted me to right this.. I agree about counseling, but this has been gonig on for a long, long time and I don't see how my feelings turn off, especially now that we are all physically close. How is a counselor going to break this? I'm not against this, but? 4) The next response with the living arrangement example, crazy isn't it? You have much more strength than I! Or, I am much more infatuated? Have less strength? I guess I've shown strength thus far, but fear that I will break down. I don't know. You make it sound so easy. This has been brewing since day one with me, and I am definitely weak! I mean, how can you not just become a mormon and move to Utah? 5) The next response, Jonas, and the lust thing is just way off here. I love the person. Falling in love with two? Easy. Settling down with both? We are all in that 'settling' down mode already. I have been researching "rare" cases of husband sharing... Doesn't seem to fit in today's western society does it? Bring back the olden days! The Ex didn't want to live with two, he slept with dozens in a purely lustful cheating way. I haven't cheated, am not a cheater, unless I miraculously get a thumbs up. I am a cheater in my heart I guess, but it doesn't take away my love for my wife. So, maybe I am confused about this issue. I am wealthy and can support multiple families. I don't agree that I shouldn't have married my wife. I loved her and love her. 6) jmc... Your right, she would be hurt/angry/jealous,.. at first maybe? I would love her more though. I don't think she would want to lose me over this. The benefits of the arrangement are endless. I don't know if I'm living in a sexualized fantasy world... I probably am.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2011):
By the way, I am the guy who wrote about living with my wife and sister-in-law both. In my opinion, the sister-in-law is more likely to be open to the idea. She is coming out of a relationship and has nothing to lose. She would probably be more open to the idea of sharing you in return for the companionship and stability. I think this is true from my experience and also what I can infer from yours.
However, two things to remember:
1) Even if the sister wants to be with you she also loves your wife and likely would not want to hurt her. This means that even if she would be conducive to such an arrangement she probably won't go along with it out of respect for her sister. If they are rivals and her sister wouldn't care or even wants to purposefully hurt your wife, then see 2) below.
2) Your wife is very much the one who is not likely to be happy with the arrangement at all. She didn't sign up to share you with her sister when she married you and you have built a life together. Most siblings are rivals to some extent and this could bring out some ugly sibling rivalry. I say this having three sisters and when they were in high school they sometimes competed for the same guys (they were each one year apart). It could get really ugly.
I once told my wife how much I liked her ass (it's just about a perfect upside down heart) and mentioned how her sister has the same ass (she does) so it must be genetic. My wife told me she never really noticed and coldly asked why I was checking out her sister. I told her the truth, which is that she bent over in front of me and I couldn't help but notice. My wife didn't get all upset about it. I could sense some familial pride. However, there was enough coldness behind it that I knew where the line was drawn. I have told my wife how beautiful her sister is. In fact, sometimes she asks my opinion. However, it must be done in the same way you tell your daughter or your own sister that she is beautiful. Any hint of lust and I sensed that my ass would be grass.
Finally, ask yourself how you would feel if your wife asked you to be involved in a relationship with your brother (if you don't have one, imagine it was your best male friend.) I know that I would not be too happy if my wife admitted to having a thing for brother and wanted to share our life with him. I know she thinks he is cute as she has said so. That doesn't bother me at all. In fact, I might be offended if she didn't think so. However, if she suggested sharing herself sexually with him that would be unacceptable and might be cause for me to leave her and disown my brother.
Think about that. I responded twice, because I have come so close to the situation you are trying to arrange and I really want you to reconsider. Focus on your wife and ignore her sister.
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A
male
reader, Kilcardy +, writes (13 May 2011):
Well, I don't any stars have aligned, as you put it; however, the clouds forming above your head are going to unleash an apocalyptic shit storm the likes of which you can't even imagine if you deign to go where you are thinking of going. I am flabbergasted at the amount of bullshit people feed themselves and believe. Go with JMC's advice: get counseling and fast before you ruin not only your life, but the lives of your wife, children, and your sil.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2011):
I think you are treading on a slippery slope and you need to snap out of it.
I think it is totally normal to be attracted to your wife's sister. She has the same genetics. However, you need to stop fantasizing about this or you will ruin your relationship with your wife and, most likely, with her sister, too. Some things are just out of bounds and this is one of them.
I know where you are coming from. My wife's sister is beautiful like my wife is and when she got divorced she and her son moved in with me and my wife. They ended up staying for three years. During that time she talked to me about everything, including some intimate details of her sex life. I have to admit I had some fantasies and more than once I pleasured myself (behind locked doors) while she was in the next room. It was like having a harem. Two women would hug and kiss me when I came home from work and her sister (who was not working then) would clean and do household chores while my wife and I worked. I would be lying if I didn't say that I enjoyed it. We all went to dinner together and we raised her son as we would our own and just became very close. Even their mother suggested that the sister find a man like me and the sister agreed that it would be wonderful if she could.
However, I want to interrupt this fantasy life by saying that I would leave it as a fantasy! I never told my wife how I felt about her sister (sexually) and I never told her sister anything inappropriate either. Sisters share everything and if even one of them has a problem with it you will be royally screwed! You will also be persona non grata with your wife's family. Some things are best left unsaid.
Now that my sister-in-law has moved out we are not as close as we were. She is dating again. However, and I know this sounds morbid, if anything ever happened to my wife I think I would probably confess my feelings to her sister as I think we would make a wonderful couple - but ONLY then! My wife means too much to me to lose because of a crazy fantasy! Think about that!
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2011): Seriously, if you don't know if your wife would be jealous/angry/hurt or would love the idea of sharing you with her sister, you don't know your wife very well. Probably because you've been obsessing over his sister.
I suggest you seek counseling and quit living in a sexualized fantasy world.
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