A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I recently caught my husband of 4 years looking at pornography on the internet. He admitted to having done this for the entire length of our relationship...over 8 years in all...and even from the time he was a teenager...he is several years older than me so has essentially been looking at porn for about 15-20 years now. He apparently does this on a very regular basis. I am truly baffled by this. I could understand when he was single, but not while being in a relationship. I have never turned him down for sex unless I was ill or something like that. I actually have a pretty good sex drive myself and am not a prude in the least. I have been willing to try most of what he he has asked of me and on the rare occassion that I have said no to a desire of his, I have certainly never shamed him for it.I am only 29 and am in very good shape. I'm 5'8 and a size 0/2 and work out 4-5 times a week. I'm a former beauty queen and look better now than I did even in those days. When I go to the water park, I get hit on by high school kids and college frat boys. Honestly, I think I look better than most porn stars I have seen. Most of them have decent bodies as a result of plastic surgery, but most of their faces look like tranny hookers hit by a mack truck. Even the girl in the video I caught him watching was an ugly skank. The most hurtful part is that I have found out that he usually does this right before we go to bed. He would tell me he was checking his email for work and then go in there and watch porn while I was laying in bed waiting for him...essentially instead of spending time with me or being intimate with me! It had gotten to the point that he almost never initiates sex anymore. It is always me. Apparently this behavior has gotten much worse lately in terms of frequency. He says at one point in our relationship he almost never did it. Obviously, I am incredibly hurt. In some ways, I almost feel like I have been cheated on. But more than anything I just don't understand it. I think maybe if I could understand it, it might help me to better accept it. Why would a man rather go look at porn of skanky hos than make love to his beautiful, loving wife? One of my male friends think it is the "Stepford Wives" syndrome...that he essentially resents me for my success in life or feels that he doesn't measure up...or maybe feels that I am too dominant. Admittedly, I have probably had more success in my career than he has in his and I am not Suzy Homemaker like his mother was...I work in a male-dominated field and do very well. Still, would this really make him "punish" me by looking at porn? My husband has always said that he felt like I was too good for him. My thought then, throughout all of this, is if "I am so great, why are you looking at other women...why aren't you looking at me?" I had actually previously suspected this and confronted him and he lied...more than once. Any thoughts are much appreciated. We are in counseling, but I'm still not feeling like the psychologist really is getting to the heart of the issue. I still have not had my question answered of why he would choose to be at a computer watching nasty girls instead of having sex with a real live one who looks better than those skanks anyway?
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (9 June 2011):
 Maybe you do look better but looks are not what the excitement of porn is about! It's all about the activities...You could put a gunny sack over their faces we'd still look. pretty or skanky it doesn't matter. Watch what they do not how they look.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2011): Sounds harsh hunny but wouldnt you prefere he was watching porn then sleeping and cheating with other women? my partner watches porn on a regular basis and to be honest so do i! (not together mind i wouldnt find in comfortable watching it with him!) we both have a very healthy sex life and although porn should not be replacment for a good sex life, it can be a relief from repetative and occasionally exaustive sexual activity!. some people have even gone as far as to say that for them, porn is quite relaxing where as intercourse makes them feel under pressure to "perform" well for the other half.... but i cant speak for everyone else! have you ever tried watching porn on your own? (obviously dont answer this to us because its your private business!) but if you do, think about how it makes you feel! you might hate it, you might love it! Porn is a fansasy, its not real as far as normal people are concerned, and if i were you, i would be worried in the slightest... its not like a porn star's gonna turn up at the door now is it!
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A
female
reader, gypsytears +, writes (29 May 2011):
I had asked a married man who used to be a regular at the strip bar where I worked, why men looked at porn? and what they got from it?Expecting an honest answer because he is at the strip club and guys tend to want to talk a lot! , and also because being the hot bartender I was, my husband too had been porning out, and it hurt and I didn't get it. Amazingly dude said that when they masterbate to porn there is no expectations and it's a "comfort zone" thing ha! How about that. My confidence still goes down when my guy watches it but to rebel I've been watching some too on the hush and practising what I see, and trying it out...It leaves him stunned, like where'd you learn that?...and makes me feel more confident knowing I can do what those other girls do too....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2011): Ok you are clearly content with your own appearance. So you’re saying that you are hotter than most porn stars, attract the attention of school boys, and are even hotter now than when you were a beauty queen.
Guys in general like to look at lots of different girls, not the just the smoking hot ones like yourself, but the regular girls too. Maybe you’re so used to heaps of male attention and now that your guy for a moment diverts his attention elsewhere, you get jealous and pissed because he should be looking at the hottest girl, which happens to be you?
Maybe you think that you deserve all the attention simply because you are hotter than everyone else?
Let’s just say that you weren’t so hot but normal looking, would it then be ok if he looked at porn stars? Because you are “average” looking, these porn stars would be then theoretically more attractive than you, would his viewing of them be then justified? simply because he is looking at what is more hot?
Should he be looking at you because you are married to him? or becuase you are simply the hottest girl in town?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2011): I donno about this one...the only two things I can think of from this 'porn-problem' question is:
1) You have an inflated sense of appearance and don't really look as good as you think.
OR
2) You're not 'in-to-it' as the pornstars in the videos are. Probably one of the biggest turn ons guys get from porn is how in to it the actresses are...even if they are 'ugly'. They want it, they want you, they stare deep into the camera and say YES, YOU! and that really gets guys going.
If you're not in to it, then sex probably feels like a chore for him like it would for any guy. That's why he resorts to porn.
Advice? Maybe initiate, take charge, stroke his ego so to say. See what happens.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt +, writes (13 May 2011):
The male appetrite is never satisfied. Oddly enough, you could be the best looking woman on the planet earth and he(or any other man for that matter) would still want to "take a peek at the other things going on in the world. Sorry, just being real. It's a natural phenomenon for the male brain to wonder what others are doing. Ironically, most of us look more at the other guys than at the other girls. We NEVER feel worthy of our situation.It's like that movie line; "I'm Not worthy!"
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