I love my teacher, but he has a girlfriend!

I had this teacher for drama in years 7 and 9, we'll call him b. in year 7 i barely noticed him but year 9 i was having a difficult time and he really helped me. Somehow I remember the exact day I started liking him more than a teacher, two years in febuary :( Whenever someone upset me he would have a go at them and let me sit in his office and go on his laptop. He's seen me cry so many times. when he put on a school play, of course i offered to work backstage, i was like his assistant. he always wanted something done. i just liked spending time with him, he made me happy and i liked who i was around him. he would sing songs to cheer me up and dance like an idiot sometimes. many people said he was gay but i chose not to believe them. people were always telling me that he was looking at me. we talked about a lot of things, his parents, our friends, school, plays, music etc. although i always seemed nervous around him. we had been left alone in a room together many times, we'd talk for a while then there'd be this awkward silence. i didn't even like drama but i tried to impress him anyway, when he set up a school trip to the theatre i went, i thought £20 was little price to pay to be with him. whenever i had a boyfriend, he seemed to tease me more than usual...sometimes i completely forgot about that boyfriend :S anyway i didn't choose drama as an option so i didn't have him as a teacher for years 10 and 11. I really missed him, he asked me to work backstage for a play i said i would, but I didn't, i don't know why... then there was a school trip for music and art to paris for four days, he was going :S I was so nervous but happy at the same time, i had just broken up with a guy and on the ferry we were talking as we were still friends and i saw b kept looking over at us. as we were getting off the coach in paris he stood at the front calling groups out so they could get off the coach. he then randomly started singing a song 'miss -------' which was my last name. i looked up and he was looking directly at me. this girl, n, cut in and said 'oh, i love that song' she's always been up his ass.. she annoys me, mostly because she DOES take drama and she sees him all the time. anyway he mostly ignored me in paris and was all over n, talking and laughing and dancing with her, for some reason i was pretty convinced they were sleeping together "/ when he did talk to me in paris it was to ask for something. Also when my ex/friend kept poking me, b asked what was going on i said 'oh, he keeps poking me, it really hurts' and b said to him 'don't poke her' like really serious :S anyways, i've cried a lot over him and no matter how many times i write it down, i can't find the words to explain how i feel. when we got back from paris, everyones parents were picking them up, it was midnight, i looked at him hoping for a smile, anything.. but nothing. i went home upset, once again. i went to see my friend audition for a dance competition in his classroom once and he said to me 'i want you to be in charge of my backstage posse, if you'll accept that job?' i just smiled and said of course. well, of course, that play got cancelled, no idea if he wants me in charge of the next one.. then one lesson, my friend who is in his drama class borrowed my glasses, i went to get them, there were some proffesional actors in doing a performance, b asked me to watch for a while, about half an hour later i got my glasses back and left. open evening, i went to see him so many times, i just wanted to say hello but i suppose he was busy, it was open evening after all. another friend of mine (boy) came up to me and hugged me right in front of b and then he stood really close behind me, i don't know if b noticed or cared, i doubt it. Every time I see him, it makes my heart beat really really fast and i'm extremely nervous or i feel so low i feel like someone kicked me to the ground. it makes me so miserable knowing that i can't be with me, that i shouldn't be with him, but n is possibly with him and it drives me crazy. i'm nothing like her, it's not my fault, but it means i can't be happy. someone close to me recently told me that b is not gay, he talks to some other teacher about his girlfriend. ouch. but still i didn't give up. i see him around school ALL the time, that just makes it harder to let go. There are so many things that make me doubt but this ray of hope appears from no where and makes it impossible for me to give him up, but i know i REALLY have to give him up. after hearing about his girlfriend i felt i really needed to talk to him, just say hello ask about the play etc. as soon as i walked into the hall, he said goodbye to a group of year 11's he was talking to and walked out. conicidence? i think not... i'm pretty certain he knows how i feel about him, afterall he teaches body language for a living. when i see him i want to hug him and kiss him and gosh, i know i shouldn't though, i can't help it. it's completely more than a crush, but it's still crushing me. i asked him yesterday 'is it your birthday tomorrow?' he said 'errrrr yes who's been talking?' like he didn't want anyone to know... i didn't tell anyone anyway, no one seemed to know it was his birthday.. I'm quite worried, when I think about my future i'd really like him in it and without him i feel as if nothing good will ever come of my life :( i wanted to say happy birthday to him but i didn't see him until lunch and then he just walked in with n and walked straight back out again. So Happy Birthay. I think my present to him this year will be leaving him alone for ever. But how can you stop falling for someone when you don't even know why you're falling for them in the first place? And how can you miss something you never quite had? x P.s I know it's normal to have these feeling but I shouldn't act on them, but how can I stop liking him? Is there any way or will time just have to heal me?

View related questions: crush, has a girlfriend, my ex, my teacher

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