A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My sister and I aren't particularly close. I'm the oldest by one year, but we are so very different. She's sociable and i like my alone time. I have two very close friends, that i trust with my life, when she has a multitude of friends and acquaintances...we have two completely different mindsets, ways of thinking and of doing things. I like to follow logic and practicality, she likes to follow her instincts and what her emotions tell her.But seriously, I love my sister. But i don't know if i can live with her.We are both going to study abroad in the same country, the same city because our studies, though not being the same, are in the same field. So we'll get an apartment together. But she is so irresponsible. She never cooks or cleans, even her own messes. She just lets them sit there for hours, knowing that it'll bother me so much I'll end up cleaning it up myself. I don't really like cooking but I believe in taking responsibilities seriously even when you don't want to. She has no sets of boundaries, she comes into my room and takes my things without asking and either keeps them in her room or messes them up. I know that i can overreact sometimes, so for the past six months i've tried being more patient and less bossy. Ane when my things get broken and she's at fault, i try and let it go.I try to calmly tell her to clean after herself and to sometimes take over cooking duty, and she says she'll get to that eventually. And hours later, nothing is done. She also has the habit of taking food into her room, and hides it there and eats it all, and when i ask where are the cornflakes, for instance, she just shrugs and says that she ate it all. She takes the kitchen utensils into her room ,for what? I don't know. But that leaves drawers empty and i always end up looking for knives and so on. She doesn't see the point of doing something NOW, especially if she doesn't want to do it. She has told me time and time again that if she doesn't want to do something she just won't do it.I've told my mother this, because she also knows how irresponsible my sister can be, and my mother also doesn't know what to do about it. It's something we've dealt with for years. And I try to be stay calm and let her behavior roll off my back.If she doesn't want to clean, i'll just do it, because seeing the mess for hours on end bothers me. If she still hasn't cooked anything, or ordered anything to eat, i will do it because i don't see the point in trying reason with her anymore. And certainly not on an empty stomach.I honestly don't know if she will change and take responsibility for her actions. Because it isn't just about a few house chores...there are other things that she does that will get her into trouble (but these are her issues and they're private) and she has been in trouble a few times. When i told her "don't do this, it isn't going to end well" she just shrugged it off, but when i see that she's about to screw up bad, I have to save her ass, again. When she has a problem, I don't mind that she comes to me and asks for help. but when i learn that the mistakes she made could have easily been avoided, it makes me wonder if she uses critical thinking at all.I used to also be messy and a bit despondent and lazy. But one day i decided to change that, because I wanted to be a mature adult and not perpetually stay in a state of adolescence.And for the past two years i've decided to change that negative attitude. I believe people can change and for the better. If there's a flaw, it can be changed in time for personal, emotional and psychological growth.I'm not saying i'm an angel, because i also have my flaws that she has to deal with, but, at least for the sake of harmonious living i try to compromise with her, whereas she doesn't see the need in changing anything. She just expects people to adjust to her and live with it. I'm learning to, but there are plenty of people who don't like her and won't adjust to her. Plenty of people have come to me telling me to keep my sister in check and to tell her to stop acting like a 'Diva'. Two of her exes have come to me saying that she is a snob and talks down on people all the time. Some of her former friends have told me that she acts nice to everyone when inside she can be a b*tch.I don't like it when people insult my family, so I end up telling them to back off and leaver her alone. I know how she can be. I know she has some really hard-to-get-along-with aspects about her, but I love my sister and hate it when others bad-mouth her. I try to just let it go because if we live together it'll be fight after fight. And I want to focus on more productive things.How can i stand to live with her abroad for years? I'm just afraid that one day I'll explode and end up hurting her.
View related questions:
her ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2012): Well you know exactly how your sister is..you seem like two people coming from a whole new different world,and from what you have said,leaving togther is not a good idea..meet up whenevr you get the time but rooming in may create a rift,and you may end up losing a sister!!just because you have a sister doesn't mean you have to live with her!!
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (4 October 2012):
 I suggest that you print a copy of this submittal.... hand it to your sister.... and ask her, "I wrote this. What's your take on it?"
If she sez, "Yep, you're right... we'll probably kill or maim one-another if we are roomies...." then you can find some other living accomodations.....
IF she sez, "Aw shit,... I don't have to behave like that. I just do it because (and then she tells you why...)... but I could act more in accord what you'd like, if that's a condition of our living together....."
Following that.... you and she will know if you can share living accomodations....
Good luck.... and, study hard....
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2012): Your sister is very lucky that she has you, and vice a versus .. I know what you mean about insulting.. No one gets to insult my family otherthan people who really really know them and then I sometimes don't also take a back stance.
I think living together in a strange country, is a good thing. If my girls were going away that's how I'd want them to be.. However her being messy is a tait that need to be modified just like skinner and his dogs, you know the bell and response your going to have to do some work here before you go.
Speak to her openly tell her it's only going to work if she does pull her own weight, work out a schedule and stick to it. Who does what, ie hoovering Mondays, dusting, the dishes etc..etc get this in place, basically a trail run before you'd both head of spreading your wings.
Not that a mother wants to take sides, every mothers nightmare, mom must also have a kind stern, word in sis's ear...
And hopefully with good planning you will both enjoy your studies and each others company as well.
Take care sweeties
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2012): Frankly, she sounds like a nightmare to live with. She won't learn either as long as you are constantly picking up after her. I know how it is to live with messy lazy and inconsiderate people - it's hellish. Why must you live together? Surely she could get a room mate and you could find a place to live sharing with some like minded grown ups. Otherwise it's just a matter of time before you fall out with each other on a massive scale. Let someone else train her up. You need to focus on your studies, not be constantly stressed out from sharing your home with someone so inconsiderate. This way when you do see her, you'll actually be able to enjoy your relationship and not seething over the fact she finished the milk/ took your things/left a festering pile of dishes AGAIN. Plus, living with new people opens up your world to meeting friends and having different experiences. Try and live with someone local. Good Luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyAunt  +, writes (4 October 2012):
 I think you could both do with some adjustments here, and could both do with taking a leaf out of each-others books. You could do with chilling out a little more, and learning to relax as you're only going to end up stressed. Whereas it wouldn't hurt your sister to take up some responsibilities, tone her behavior down and start making herself useful around the apartment. You're right to not let people talk about your sister in such ways, this is an issue you should work out together, you don't need input from people who obviously have something against her. You also need to remember that your sister is not your responsibility. It's not your job to 'keep her in line' You have your own life to worry about.I think you need to lay down some ground rules with your sister. Tell her what you think is / is not acceptable and explain kindly what your problems with her are. It's important that you ask her if she has any problems with you or the way you're living. You're both equal here.You need to be open with one another or this is never going to work out. Communicate with one another about any problems. Holding them in will only lead to resentment.Best of luck to you both!
...............................
|
