A
female
age
36-40,
*ocochanel27
writes:I've been a relationship with this guy for almost a year and, he does not have a job. When we first met, he was working at his dad's company but, he quit because, he wanted to branch out on his own. Well, since then he has not been actively looking for a job and I do everything for him, give him money buy him clothes, pay his bills everything!! I love him but, I am so frustrated. To top all this off, he will be 30 in about 2 months, he has two children, he is a convicted felon so it is hard for him to do things but, he can find employment, it is not impossible. I want to ask him what is the problem, maybe there is something he is not telling me. HELP!!
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male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (5 October 2012):
 Wow... what possessed you to fall in love with this guy?
Let's review: he's a felon (so his long term high-paying job future is very dim at best), he has two children -- so even if he does have a job, his children's mother(s) will be taking a good portion of it. Finally, he has no ambition to work... why should he: He has you footing the bill and even if he does work, all the money will go his children.
I think reality is finally setting in with your relationship. Love will only take you so far -- in any bonding -- and clearly you've got some decisions to make, especially if you want to take this relationship to the next level (marriage / living together).
I think you need to ask yourself whether you would continue paying for his mistakes ad-infinitum? Are you proud of your boyfriend? Would you want this man to be involved with your hypothetical daughter? Do you see yourself being able to buy a nice house, a car, have children with this man? Are you embarrassed to introduce your boyfriend to others? Does your boyfriend have any skills that could earn him a decent living? Does he have ambition?
I think by answering those questions will provide you with the direction that you should be taking. It is fine to love someone who isn't rich and never will be, but it's quite another to love someone who is a perennial loser and expects you to pay for their past mistakes. I don't mean to be harsh but any self-respecting man should not let his girlfriend cover him unless he is absolutely trying his best to find employment.
Ultimately, the ball is in your court. Either you try to encourage a grown man to be self-supporting (much like a mother to her teenage son) or you decide that you've had enough and want a man who you can build a sustainable future with. The choice is yours....
Eddie
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (4 October 2012):
 I know EXACTLY what he is not telling you....
He's not telling you, "Gosh, (your name here), you sure are a gullible and accomodating girl to believe that you should be responsible for me... even tho' I am not responsible for MYSELF..... and I SURE DO LOVE YOU (as evidenced by my enjoying s*x with you).... and I sure don't want you to dump my freeloading a*s (since that would mean that I'd have to grow up and make my OWN way in this world).... BUT, aren't we a great "item" and enjoying life together so much that you can't stop making excuses for me and kick me to the curb... even tho' that's exactly what I deserve?"
THAT's "...what he's not telling you...."
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, AuntyAunt  +, writes (4 October 2012):
 You need to sit your boyfriend down and explain to him how important it is that he helps out financially. Remind him that he has children to support and be a role model for. Try and help him get motivated, look for jobs that would suit him online and suggest he applies for a couple! I would suggest you ask him if he would consider working for his father again, but he may have too much pride to go 'crawling back' to his fathers company. Obviously it is slightly more difficult for convicted felons to get jobs, but as you said, it's not impossible and with the right attitude and amount of effort I'm sure he will get one eventually.One thing you can do that would force him to shape up is stop paying for everything for him! Let him go without your money, don't pay his next lot of bills. He's gotten too comfortable having you provide everything for him and he needs to be shocked into action. You have to be cruel to be kind sometimes.Best of luck to you both!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 October 2012):
 You need to sit him down and explain that he NEEDS to help out financially.
How does he help provide for his two children? If he can't get hired easily but his father will employ him maybe he needs to reconsider working for his dad til he CAN find something.
Unless he is the main caretaker of the house (as in take care of cleaning, cooking, shopping, bills and what not) he needs to start contributing.
And the sooner you have the talk the better. Or you two will end up with a parent/child relationship with YOU pulling all the weight and him coasting along. And you are already starting to resent it. So talk to him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2012): I'm sorry both for you and your boyfriend. It can get very frustrating, i understand. But as an ex-con it isn't easy to find employement. Not impossible, but not easy. Either it's due to laziness on his part, or he may have been put down so many times that he's been a bit down and isn't too hopeful about catching a break.You could try and figure out just what line of work he might be interested in. If he wants to have his own business, it'll be even harder because that would mean you could be supporting him for another couple of years, but he may just pay you back for all the help in the future.Or he could be holding back due to his pride. Men and their pride...sigh.But ultimately, think about how hard it could be for him (of course, that's in the case of him not finding a job or not having enough motivation). If the roles were reversed you might need someone helping you out. Just figure out if his intentions are to be given a free ride. If he's taking advantage, tell him clearly that you won't stay for it any longer and that he has to find a job somwhow not just for him but for his children as well.
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