A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband of 3 years tells lies. I work and travel alot and I discovered that when I am out of town he watches porn. I found hookup sites that he forgot to clear and approached him, he denied. then his hotmail password was changed-well it all came out and he admits finally that he surfs porn but only when I am away and he doesn't see a problem with that and the password was changed when his brother came to live with us (I can attest he was a nosey one).So we dealt with this-I can see how when you (these are his words) surf porn you click here and there looking for stuff that is free and back out when they ask for a credit card-otherwise it is chaos clicking and maybe he did.So that was somewhat over when he had to work late (I knew it was coming and it would probably be valid) some. But last night when he was supposed to work late he had come home and printed out paperwork for his brother and went to the homeless shelter (while his brother is in JAIL) to get his mail...well he not only omitted information, when I asked him who was on our computer-he lied about the whole thing and never went there....his brother's wife told me today via email because we talk almost daily-she's going through a lot. I know he is ashamed that he enables his brother but he shouldn't lie to my face.So last night he had said tonight shouldn't be that way but then he emails and says he has to do a dinner with someone from out of town and his boss. Then I let out of the bag that I know he lied about last night (he went to the shelter and got the mail but said he didn't to me) and I didn't appreciate it. It erupted in a huge email war-I demanded an apology but he blamed it on my jealousy (from before-but I had not been behaving badly!), and we all know that was a cop-out and so I said that and called him a lying narcissist who thinks he is God, too. So he never emailed me back or returned my call. This is typical-he will turn something around on me somehow and make it my fault-he already tried today via email but I told him to OWN IT and be accountable (I am better via email than in person).I wonder what anyone's thoughts are on this? I think my husband has a problem.....even if he never cheated on me....honesty is an issue with him. He isn't honest with me for some reason. I'm a good wife, I keep up the house, I work A LOT (maybe too much), I am attractive, I usually am the one who initiates sex or intimate contact, and I am honest with him and try to take care of him but I think maybe too much...........HELP! I love him but I don't know if there is reciprocation!
View related questions:
cheated on me, in jail, jealous, porn Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2007): Set the boundaries in your relationship and make sure to follow through. Pretend he asks you not to talk to your best gf ever, that is what you are asking of him right now. So it's not that easy for him to stop watching porn. I hope he will because his porn curiosity may lead to a serious porn addiction.
A
male
reader, Richard_EMids  +, writes (21 December 2007):
 This is my philosophy:
If someone lies then they have something to hide.
What they are hiding they deem worse than lying.
If you catch someone lying, it is probably the tip of the iceberg.
I repeatedly give them the benefit of doubt. Then I am very decisive and do not turn back.
Richard
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (21 December 2007):
 I was with someone too who, taking responsibility and ownership of her behavior is not something she'd do. In catching her with the untruth, I'd just giggle, "that's a good one, feel free to try again." As far as placing blame. If that begins, simply say, no that's no how it happened, when you have a realistic answer I'd love to hear it. If you're going to spread BS, you're wasting both our time. I'd let him know as well it's not at all about your jealousy. He admitted to what he had been doing that not being jealous that's getting caught. jealousy comes from a false sense of security which many times doesn't have anything solid to point in the direction of the jealousy in the first place.
Now hypothetically, if you cheated on him, then (because of that) he cheated on you, who's at fault? Both would be equally. The acts of cheating would be separate events prompted by each persons own decision to act. The reason they feel they acted is a separate issue that would need to be worked on.
The turning it around on you would also be a mild form of relationship control. You see that often as an element in abusive relationships. It seems though, you need to work on being strong in person as well as other means of communication. It's not being mean to demand better treatment in your marriage. You'd just be being firm about not accepting this poor or (abnormal) behavior. You seem like a very intelligent individual, and he's treating you like a kid blaming the broken vase on his brother. Just like parents usually can, you're seeing right through the BS and know what happened before trying to seek an answer.
He also need to realize, these poor behaviors are not proper within the unity of marriage. He definitely needs to have a much higher respect for you, and you need to not take his crap and demand that respect.
...............................
|
