A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I feel completely trapped. I am 32, my husband is 38 and I have been married for 10 years now, and although my marriage is good and solid, it has survived many rough patches and there´s always been love and affection between me and my husband.I fell for another guy about a year ago. I met him randomly one night and we talked, kissed and felt dangerously attracted to each other straight away. This incredible attraction between us just grew and grew - and after dancing around each other for weeks, flirting and kissing, one night last winter I ran into him, we went to his place and had sex. Afterwards I was so shocked by what I had done, wanted to stop the affair in its tracks immediately and stayed away from him for a long time, trying to focus on my marriage. It didn´t work out very well since I couldn´t stop thinking about that other guy and the sex (which was and is incredible) was haunting me, and then my desire for this other man got the best of me when I saw him again - and I just gave in without much of a fight. Since then we´ve been seeing each other almost every week and I have no idea what I am doing anymore or who the hell I am. My husband is a really good man and I never thought I could do such a terrible thing to him. I cannot justify what I´ve done and it is still unreal to me that all of this has happened. I do not like the person I´ve become and I have no idea how to get out of this. I have all the facts; that the attraction would not be so strong if it wasn´t wrong; that if I lived with this guy things wouldn´t be so intense; that the entire affair is a symptom that something is wrong with me and/or my marriage.I know all these things and yet I somehow cannot stay away from that other man. I am beginning to suspect that I might´ve become a sexual addict or something. I do have very intense feelings for this guy but I cannot tell if it´s only because of our sexual chemistry or if there´s more to it than that. We do connect intellectually as well and enjoy talking excessively in addition to the amazing sex. But I am too scared to even consider the possibility that I could in fact be in love with someone else and that my marriage might be coming to an end. The whole situation is such a blur to me. The other guy has been very clear about his intentions, he has told me that he loves me and that he wants to be with me. I obviously cannot tell if he really wants that or if it´s the chase he enjoys, or perhaps I just cannot face the fact that I should get a divorce and be with him. One thing about that which troubles me is that he´s 6 years younger than me, and I have to wonder if he could actually be an equal partner to me once the novelty wears off, even though he is very wise beyond his years and has shown a great deal of maturity. Me and my husband don´t have kids (and I do not really want any) so that is not an issue.Finally, here´s the question: What on earth should I do? How can I gain even a bit of clarity in this head of mine? Help?
View related questions:
affair, divorce, flirt, kissing, trapped Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2008): I suspect the start of figuring out how to handle what you are creating for yourself in life is to work out why you have chosen some of the decisions you have.
At the moment your tangled up in the confusion of all of your conflicted emotions. Go back to the beginning of where it all started to be a contradiction in morality and values.
You should like a lady that was looking for some attention, excitment and perhaps to feel alive. This guy gave you what you had been perhaps looking for and now you have got yourself all tangled up in something you wish you hadn't. I see some of your comments as trying to justify to yourself why you have continued. It almost sounds as if you have carried this on, to show to yourself most of all, that it was 'meant to be'.
Before you start to make more hasty decisions, leaving your marriage, having a possible life with this other guy, etc, give alot more consideration to how come it all went pearshaped with your current husband. Or did it? Too many people get themselves mixed up in situations which become out of control and distructive to others lives.
Frequently so many problems could be resolved with a little more honesty and consideration, but most of all courage to face things we don't want to face, particularly about ourselves. You talk about this other guy being younger, but mature for his age. It is time you should be mature enough to stop this thought process and face some realities about your own level of maturity. Your a 32 year old married women, fooling around with a 26 year old guy. He is exciting, youthful and enjoying no committments or responsibilities in this relationship with you. It is NOT REAL. In the scheme of things he is a kid. And you should know better. Sex is great, blah, blah, blah. So is a life share in love and honesty.
You have said your not proud of what you have created. So do something about it and stop trying to find the reasons why you continued and got more involved. Try to explore what you want out of life and who you want to be. All of us have faults and flaws, all of us have temptations and the ability to know right from wrong. You have discovered some pretty unhealty and distructive traits about yourself and before you can make major decisions about who and what you are committed to - you need to work out what the real you wants. I beleive you have confused yourself. The easy way will be to run away and pretend this new relationship is 'meant to be'.
I think you would benefit from seeing a therapist or similiar. Someone who can explore the reasons why you do what you do. It would help you clarify what it is you are not looking at about your marriage and make you face some facts about yourself.
You will continue to be confused and make silly and immature choices whilst continuing with this guy. You married, full stop, your an adulterer and cheater, full stop, your lover is a kid, full stop, you have been making this happen all by yourself, full stop.
If you had a majic wand, what outcome would you wish for?
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (3 May 2008):
 First of all you sound wise enough to know that your marriage is NOT good and solid. How on earth can you make that statement. Tell your husband what you've been up to and then see how good and solid things are. I'm not trying to be harsh but what you're saying is not true. Your husband THINKS he's in a good marriage but he is being fooled.
You didn't mention STD's that you could possibly be exposing your husband to. That is not appropriate and risky. Your husband is married to a high risk partner, is at risk for many diseases and he is ignorant of that. Think about all the ramifications of what you're doing.
Instead of making a mockery of your husband and your marriage, fess up to what you've done and give him the option of finding a woman who loves him. You can not lay down with a man every week and still profess your devotion to your husband.
How does a random meeting turn into a kiss? You knew at the onset of meeting this person there was an attraction. That is normal and does not need to be explained. We can not help who we are attracted to. Letting yourself get to the point of being in a position to kiss this man was a total lack of integrity on your part. You didn't put the brakes on when you should have.
This begs the question, what is missing in your married life that requires you to behave like this? People in solid, good marriages don't do this. They may have inclinations to do it...but they don't. Desire is to be expected and enjoyed but your actions speak loudly.
...............................
A
female
reader, PreciousNY  +, writes (3 May 2008):
Having one affair doesn't qualify you to be a sex addict. I may suggest that you take some time for yourself and think long and hard about what you really want. Do you feel that you want to be with the other guy or your husband? You are right....it is possible that the other guy is enjoying the chase of being with a married woman, and you need to consider that. What happens if you leave your husband for this guy and your new relationship doesn't work out? My personal opinion is to go talk to a counselor. They will be able to help you find your answers before you make any rash decisions and help you find out where your heart is and where you want to be. If you still love your husband, I wouldn't leave him, but you have to decide. Good luck and I hope it all works out for you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2008): The problem sounds like your husband. You've already had an affair, so if he found this out, the marriage could be over anyways. I suggest you end the marriage, get your own place, or maybe this guy can let you move in with him.
...............................
|
