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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I have a situation here, need your help please. To cut the long story short, am married for 9 years. My husband is a good man, but there’s no passion, no sex, no children in our marriage. I met someone at my work place, we started off as friends, liked each other and then we had an affair for about 3 months. One day we had this fight where he said he is not that emotional about me !I don’t want to leave my husband, never wanted to distract my marriage because of this.He stopped all communication with me, No contact. I waited for a month, things were not improving , asked him about the reason for break up, All he said was “I don’t want to talk to you; I want to concentrate on my personal life”. Now I know he has got another job and moving out. I don’t understand if he terminated the relationship because he is moving on, or he found a new job because of our affair? I don’t understand if breaking up with me totally by leaving this job is just a practical decision because of his career aspirations (am sure he might have got a very lucrative offer) and if he would have done this irrespective of our relationship status? Is he making me ready emotionally for his parting by ending this because he knows that I would be totally distressed without him? Am having a hard time letting him go, every corner of that place reminds him, I don’t know how could I forget all those memories and move on? I Love my husband, I know I have done a huge mistake by cheating on my husband, remorseful. But I really love this guy. Am hurting every day. How can I end this all?
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female
reader, ask_Jm  +, writes (8 October 2012):
The man that you had have an affair with just used you, if he loves you then he wouldn't left with words or actions telling you that he loves you but your relationship with him is not right. Can you get my point? So i suggest, renew your love with your husband and make your relationship exciting, find things to do together to renew the passion of love once you've been shared.
Marriage is not just marriage and that's it. It has to do with effort, effort of taking care of the love, and intimacy. Love your husband and appreciate each other, life is too short to live life unhappy.
I wish you all the best in your marriage and be happy.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2012): Hmmm...you are in a quandry. I am not sure if there is a better example of why you should not cheat than what you have posted here. You need to sacrifice some self worth. I would tell your husband what has been going on and let the chips fall where they may. Dont sell your soul anymore than you already have.
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (7 October 2012):
 Hi
You say you dont want to leave your husband or marriage ~ so where did you see your affair going then?
You 'used' your lover and he 'used' you, for sex,nothing more. Now he has ended it and is moving on.Your back to square one.
Do your husband a favour and set him free,you have no respect for him anymore.He deserves a wife who loves him 100%. Then next time you meet a man you will be free to persue a relationship,no decent man wants somebody elses cheating wife long term do they?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2012): if you was really remorseful, you would own up and give you husband the choice of whether to leave or stay. there is also the option of balancing things out by giving him the chance of sex outside your marriage with someone of his choice. you could even suggest an open relationship. when cheating is discovered, it`s usually in the strangest of circumstances. do not feel clever, because you may not have got away with it forever. that is why you should play fair now. oh, and yes, before i forget to answer the selfish part of the question, your lover may have chosen you because he knows you cannot shout too loud when he wanted to make his getaway. he does not care anything about you as a person. you was just free sex to him. forget him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2012): If there is no passion or sex with your husband why dont you do something about it. Whyd you marry him if it was never there? If it was there, then why dont you take some incentive and rekindle it? You arent really remorseful, you are in love with the man u cheated on your hubby with! You may feel bad cuz u know its wrong, but that is not remorse. If you were remorseful you would do everything in your power to make your marriage better, stronger, try to restore trust and spark the passion. All you are doing is doting on a man that used you for sex and now wants nothing to do with you because the sex got boring. How would you feel if your husband cheated on you? Get a divorce and do yourselves a favor since you dont give a rat about your marriage anyway.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72  +, writes (7 October 2012):
 The guy basically told you he didn't have emotions for you and he was using you for sex, but yet you continue to try to analyze why he is doing what he is doing.
Let me fill you in. He doesn't care about you. He told you he doesn't care about you. He used you for sex. Now you are obsessing. It doesn't concern you why he is leaving his job. What SHOULD concern you is saving your marriage. If you don't love you husband, then own up to it and tell him instead of cheating him out of an entire life with a woman he thinks loves him.
To answer your question, this is what happens when people have affairs. People get hurt. YOU HURT YOURSELF. Now, you need to get over it.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (7 October 2012):
 As You Wish is right on target with her response.
You say you love your husband, but yet you made a choice to break your marriage vows (remember: "forsaking all others" and choose only him? I'm paraphrasing here). Marriage means being loyal to one's spouse, emotionally and physically, looking out for his or her good, and even though one may be tempted by attractive others, we are not to act on the temptation........
I will add that temptation does occur and is natural, but we make a choice to give in to it - or not. If there are issues in your marriage such as you describe - and those are very difficult, I'll grant you that - what about taking the opportunity to try to resolve them? Being open and honest with your husband and if attempts between the two of you don't work then seek out a good counsellor. And if THAT doesn't work, divorce may be an option. Of course, you might have already tried these means for a satisfactory resolution.
Your lover is also very selfish and has used you for your body.
As it is, you sound very self-absorbed. Thinking only of your own hurt. Again, it may be very natural to be upset at the way your lover has treated you, BUT, in the words of As You Wish, you love no one more than yourself.
I submit to you that you CAN choose to turn away from self-absorption. You are faced with a choice. To put it even more starkly, anyone who CONSISTENTLY chooses what THEY want without regard to the well-being of others, is choosing hell.
It's up to you.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (6 October 2012):
 It's interesting that this guy you had an affair with is now treating you the same way you're treating your husband. You're using your husband for security and status, and the guy you cheated on him with is using you for your body and doesn't care one bit about you.
The real truth is, you love no one more than yourself. You are taking all you can get from anyone unfortunate enough to cross paths with you, and you're able to have your cake and eat it too.
If you don't love your husband, you should let him go so that he can be with someone who loves him with all of her heart and mind. If you really loved your husband, the idea of ever betraying and devastating him would be to you like cutting off your own arm...impossible.
You can end it all by coming clean to your husband. I know you didn't want to hear that, but as long as you keep lying, scurrying around behind him, betraying him, devastating him, cheating on him, and using him, it will never end. You can't end it all unless you come clean.
I never said it would be easy, but it's the right thing to do. As for this guy you cheated on your husband with, that is over. This guy was using you for sex, got tired of you, and tossed you aside. That's the nature of casual affairs. You got attached to him emotionally, and he doesn't think the same of you. You have nothing to offer him anyways -- you're married, and what guy respects a cheater anyways? This guy you cheated with knows you care little about love and commitment and trust. All he knows about you is that you were a good lay.
You need to change.
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