A
female
age
30-35,
*onfused5555
writes:Alright, I am a college gal (junior). I started dating this guy in high school, then we went to two separate colleges in different states. We continued a serious long distance relationship, visiting each other every few weekends and such... seemed like it might work out for the long run. However, distance is hard to deal with and we began arguing a lot, usually over ridiculous things. A little less than a year ago I started getting really fed up with the petty arguments, and started hanging out more with a guy friend who was really nice to me. Go figure, he liked me, and somehow I started developing feelings for him. Long story short, we kissed a little before summer break, then this past fall things picked up where they left off and got more serious (my boyfriend never found out).I'm sure you're wondering why I didn't just break up with the old BF and date this new guy. Too many reasons to list here. I know I shouldn't have done it, but it's already happened. Basically, this guy I started dating in high school, I love him. Always have, but he is a little safe and conservative. He treats me nice, we've gotten over the petty argument issues. We talk about getting married and such. However, this guy I started getting serious with at my own college, the simple fling turned into more serious feelings I think. I broke it off with him two months ago, but I still think about him all the time. He's more risky, I know he's slept around, yet he's also told me he loves me. I love the way this guy kisses and holds me, but I'm not so sure a relationship would work out long term. I love my boyfriend, yet I miss the way this "fling" guy used to hold me and kiss me. So, what do I do?
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (11 February 2010):
Your boyfriend is the nice guy and poses no threat, hence he can be somewhat boring. The other guy represents all the excitement, but also offers nothing but pain. Decide what you want. Do you want your boyfriend, who is the nice guy but who you have cheated on. Or would you rather prefer the sense of danger? The truth is that neither of these guys are right for you. You've changed, and you've now cheated. The best thing to do is move on from both guys.
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (11 February 2010):
 Well ask yourself this; could you happily stand there and take your marriage vows looking into the eyes of your boyfriend knowing you cheated on him and developed very strong feelings for another man?
I hope the answer would be no - I know that if I had ever cheated on my boyfriend I could not have the audacity to stand up in front of so many people and marry a man that loves me when I have been unfaithful. If the answer is yes well there is no need to really be on this site asking this question - you sure as hell wont listen and will do whatever you want to do!
Whatever you might think about your boyfriend and however much you claim to love him - you did not accidentally cheat on him for no reason at all. Now I am not judging you - in fact I have been in a kind of similar situation where I cheated on a boyfriend when I went away to University. I loved him to bits but something changed in me when I went away to Uni and ended up cheating on him, something I thought I would never do. What I eventually realised is that when you leave home to go to uni/college, you leave as a teenager setting out into the world and become a totally different person. You change so much with freedom and the new experiences you are having that to maintain a long distance relationship with someone you have been with throughout school is just beyond difficult.
You grow apart as people - it cannot be helped. You change so much and because of the distance you cannot change together, hence why eventually you go looking for someone else (even if you are not consciously looking) who matches the "new you" and fulfills this new aspect of your personality.
These 2 guys fulfill 2 very separate parts of you - your boyfriend fills the need for comfort, security and stability. He represents your old home life, your family back at home, and safety. He is like the blanket that a child has when they get scared and need comfort.
Whereas the new guy represents you moving forward into you new life, where the future is exciting and you dont know what it holds, where there is risk and fun and adventure.
So in short you are trying to choose between 2 men that do 2 very different things. But what I hope you will realise is that neither man fulfills ALL of your needs, and neither guy is going to make you happy for the rest of your life.
I know this will be the last thing you want to hear but I speak from experience and I know this is what will be best for you - you need to be alone for a while and not make any serious connections to anyone whilst you are at college unless you are moving in a similar direction with your careers.
Relationships hold you back - their nature is to involve talking about the future, making plans, shaping your future together. But when you are young and havent even finished college, you just dont know what the future holds. You may not have decided on what career you want to follow, or you might get offered your dream job at the end of college but it means you have to move to the other side of the country. If you are alone - then none of this matters and you can follow your dreams. if you are tied down in a relationship - no matter how much you want something you always have to consider the other person in the situation.
I gave up a lot when I moved in with my boyfriend after university, I had been dating him for most of my final year and thought he was the one I was going to spend the rest of my life with. However because I gave up so much for him, I ended up resenting him and the life I had with him. Needless to say we broke up!
Now I have met the perfect man - he makes me feel secure and safe, yet I also get the excitement, the passion, basically a combination of both of your guys! So dont settle for just passion and excitment, but dont settle for safety and security either. Because if you do, you will always think about what it is your missing. So if you stay with your boyfriend - you will always think about the feelings you felt when with this other guy. If you left your boyfriend for the other guy - you will miss the security and comfort, and will find it hard to trust the new guy.
So your only way forward is to end it with your boyfriend, and spend some time alone. It will be hard, and you will hate it a lot of the time but when you get through 6 or so months of being single (I mean single as in no dating, no men at all!) then you will finally start to feel like you have got both guys out of your system, and you are a stronger more confident woman who knows exactly what she wants in life, and from a man.
I know this because I tried it, after 9 months of being single I met my amazing boyfriend and I have never looked back. I guess if you cant stop thinking about something in the past then it is a clear sign that something in the present is not right. But dont mistake that for thinking you need the other guy - what you actually need is to figure out who you are as a person and what you want in life. I am such a huge believer in when you are happy with yourself, happy to be alone and comfortable with your own company then only then are you ready to be in a relationship.
And what often happens in long term relationships that start at school is you forget who you are as a person - after all you have been part of a couple for so long that the individual "you" gets lost along the way!
I hope this gives you something to think about and good luck!
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