A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ive been with my boyfriend for 5 years. Overall its been a happy relationship with a few ups and downs. Over the last few months however, I just havent been happy, its probably longer then that if Im being honest. We were just arguing all the time and didnt seem to be moving forward. After one particularly heated argument we decided to go on a breather, this was about 3/4 weeks ago. During that breather, I bumped into a male friend of mine who I have known for years and have always in the past indulged in a flirtatious, bantering relationship in which we always ended up making out at the end of the night. He is the epitomy of a bad boy, compleltly toxic, sleeps with different women constantly, but he is ultimatly irresistable. Everytime I see him, I know Im powerless to stop what happens, the chemistry is amazing. After me and this guy kissed again a few weeks back I couldnt stop thinking about him, which is unusual as although I am obviosuly attracted to him I have never had any feelings towards him. These feelings prompted me to break up with my boyfriend as I didnt think it was right to feel like this, and in all honesty,although I love my bf very very much that lust and passion isnt there for me as much anymore. My BF didnt take it too well, and everytime we spoke on the phone it broke both of our hearts as we both still loved each other so much. I asked him to give me space so I could clear my head and he did, then last weekend I bumped into Toxic boy again and this time we ended up back at mine and slept together. I thought I would feel better after I just got him out of my system but I feel worse. Me and the BF are slowly starting to see each other again, but arnt rushing into things. I dont have a specific question, only one huge problem. I cant get toxic boy out of my head, espcially now that we have taken it further. I love my bf very much, and can see him in my future but the lust and the passion is with someone else, someone who is so so wrong for me. Should I be alone, or concentrate on my relationship with my BF? Im so confused and my head is a complete mess. Im miserable and depressed.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2010): To the first person, male anon. Wow, such helpful advice. Seriously, I didnt come here to be judged. I am certainly not keeping my boyfriend hanging on, we were not properly together when me and the other guy hooked up so your opinions arnt valid.
As for everyone else, thanks for your imput. A part of me knows you are right, that I should forget both of them, but there is such a huge part of me that sees my bf in my future and for the most part we are happy. In time maybe that passion can come back, but I am terrified of the future, and ultimately of hurting him then I already have. Im honestly not a bad person, I know I seem like a liar and a selfish cheat, but I didnt plan for any of this.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2010): Nice. You are boinking this guy while you keep your BF hanging on. As a backup plan I assume. Let you bf know what is going on and see if he still wants to continue the relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2010): I would have to agree with caring guy. Your boyfriend is not for you if there is no passion then there is no relationship. As for the other guy, you said it yourself he's a playboy. He just wants to get his then move on to the next. If you want to be his side mate thats all you, but don't expect him to commit to you. You need to be alone and not talk to either of these men. There is nothing wrong with being by yourself for awhile and if something is truly meant to be then it will be. If not then there is no choice but to move on with your life. But, end it with both of these guys its just not worth it. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Maria-consuela  +, writes (14 October 2010):
 The infatuation you feel for this other man is temporary and fleeting as you probably already know. There is no surefire way to rid your head of an infatuation or crush. You are best to focus on doing your own thing, immerse yourself in your work, take up a new hobby, workout or book - and avoid any place this man might be.I don't know what city you live in - but chances are you know the places where this man might be and it is easy to avoid them. Cut off contact with the toxic guy completely, and don't respond if he contacts you.I don't think going back to your boyfriend is right for you either though. You are clearly not in the right place to be settling down if a guy that you admit is totally wrong for you and commitment phobic was able to draw you away from focusing on repairing a relationship.We've all been in relationships where we weren't happy and became interested or had our attention caught by something that was on the outside. As much as beating yourself up about it might be your default, that wont help either. Admitting you aren't ready to be in a relationship right now, even if your ex is - does not make you a bad person. You have every right to feel and think independantly - and perhaps that is what is best for awhile.If you remove yourself from both situations I think you will get the clarity you need. Sometimes it takes being good on your own to be great in a relationship.Good luck, and I hope everything turns out well!
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (14 October 2010):
Forget both men. First of all, your boyfriend is clearly not the one you want. Secondly, this other guy is just using you. So, to forget your boyfriend, remind yourself that you did cheat on him (kissing the other guy), and that you weren't committed and that the passion is lacking, and just about everything else. He's probably the archetypal nice guy. But, I'd hope you'd agree that he deserves a woman who can commit. You can't. You're not ready. So let him go, cut contact so he can find a woman who is ready to commit, and will appreciate him.
As for the bad boy, whether you want to be his bit on the side is up to you. I never believe all that rubbish about 'not being able to resist'. If you were ready to commit, you'd have resisted. You didn't, so it's a sign that you should be alone doing your own thing. There is no future for you with either of these men.
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