A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I'm 23 and I've been dating my 26yr old BF for 5 years now, and while everything isn't great, it is good and we both love each other. However, there has always been a few things that he does that annoy and upset me. He has a great social life, and while he does include me in it, I don't always like being around him when he's drunk. It's not that he becomes angry or aggressive, but I just get embarrassed when he drinks to much. He has eased up on it over the years, but he still gets wasted like 3 or 4 times a year, and it really embarrasses me when he gets like that. That has in turn led to me being on edge every night I do go out with him, thinking it might be one of those nights. It's led to me being a bitch when we go out on weekends. On top of the drinking, he can be very messy, and doesn't take enough pride in the way he looks. He'll let his hair grow for a month or two at a time, although he does gel it when we go out, he just looks unkempt the rest of the time. His apartment is always unorganized, he'll always have some dirty dishes in the sink, and dirty clothes on the ground and stuff, nothing too extreme or unusual for a 26 yr old. I would never question his love for me, and I do still love him. We've plan our lives together and it kills me not to be with him. His brother recently got engaged, and when I hang out with his huge family, which I absolutely adore all of, they keep saying half jokingly that me and my boyfriend are next. I know its nothing bad, but between that and going to other friends wedding I've just been freaking out at the thought of forever. About a month ago, I told him I needed a break to figure everything out and that I know I was being extremely selfish in hurting him like this just to get my mind right. I feel like he is the one I want to be with forever but I also just feel like I need time to be alone and miserable to reassure myself. It kills me not to talk to him every day and hear him say he loves me, but I feel like if I don't take this time to myself, that it's gonna be in the back of my mind forever. I was just wondering if anybody has been through anything similar, and if anybody has any advice for me?? Right now I'm just confused and miserable, and for the last 5 years he's been the only one that can make me happy. I really do love him, I'm just freaking out at the thought of forever. Am I being stupid for taking this break and possibly losing him forever just to figure things out on my own??
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2012):
It normal to feel how you feel.. It is not a red flag... Why because you still love him.. Your nervous and uncertain of what the future holds and sweetie that's normal too. We do not hold a crystal ball and can't tell what is going to happen.. Your miserable you cry when you think of a life without him. Right??
Then pick up,the phone, and call him tell him you love him and start working things through.. Men are generally untidy things, and they do take time to mature.. Like you I've been with my hubby from a young age 15teen 24years to be exact and he will say when he's soppy that it you have me forever and it sometimes unnerves me, and i reply, gawd dont say that but I love him and like you couldn't imagine or be with anyone else..
Men need to be lead sometimes and as their partners you will guide him with how you want the house to look, he's not a mind reader, though I sometimes wish mine was haha..
Pick up the phone, cherub.. Text him, call him, because you love him and you want him in your life..
Don't let a good thing go, he a really good guy by all accounts just needs you to finely tune him haha..
(Ps.. Other gals would cut their arms of for a guy like yours, a few dirty clothes, little work on grooming, cut back on the alcohol...some men hit steal, cheat, lie, do drugs want threesomes etc..) hmm??
Go on, go on , go on , go on , go on, go on, go on, go on, phone him..
A
female
reader, JennyK921  +, writes (28 December 2012):
Hey, I'm the girl who asked the question. I decide to make a profile but it's too late to link the question to it.
Sorry this response is so long, but I really just need to get it off my chest and thanks for the advice so far!!
As for the my issues with him, he always says that his drinking is a faze that he's growing out of and will continue to ease up on it. As for his for his messy apartment, he said it would all start to change in November once his Irish roommates moved out. The next 3 weeks due to working a lot of overtime and being sick, he did't exactly clean the place up like he said he would and it began to eat at me that he never would. The Monday after thanksgiving I went over thinking more than usual that I should tell him. I walked into the house and he had cleaned the place up, repainted and redecorated most of his apartment, and even got a haircut. We sat down in his living room and watch Bones, which he had just gone out and got season 7 for, because he knows I love it and we had watched every season 1-6 on netflix. He was trying to act like his usual cute self and everything, but I had too many thoughts racing through my head so I was being a bit distant the two hours I was there, and then left with him visibly angry that I was being so rude and distant. That night as we were texting each other goodnight, he called and kept asking why I was acting like that, and had brought up how I've been acting weird for the last 2 months or so. I kept saying I would talk to him tomorrow, because after I walked into his place I wasn't sure I wanted to even say anything, but eventually I told him that we needed a break to be apart for awhile. He wasn't in much mood to talk, and hung up a few seconds later. The following day I messaged him a lengthy message on FB explaining what I felt, he asked that I come over to talk for a bit after work, which I did. The talk mainly consisted of me crying, and him comforting me, telling me that I've always handled my emotions in a weird way, and how he knew I hated being so dependent on one person. He also kept saying how I didn't really give him a chance to prove that once he was living on his own that things would change, and I guess he really didn't. He actually did work 60+ hr weeks, and was pretty sick for awhile. I told him that I really wish I hadn't said we needed a break, but that it was too late, and now that it was out I felt like it was best for both of us. He was so nice about it, and although he kept saying it would be better to work through it together, he seemed pretty understanding and was being so nice, that it made it even harder on me. It's been the most miserable month of my life without him, and the few times we've talked he's asked that we slowly get back to things and work them out with a bit more communication this time, and that he thinks my stubbornness will win out and we'll stay apart until one of us does something stupid and it's too late to save our relationship. It scares me to death to think that he might be right, and I really do see my self spending the rest of my life with him, but just keep getting that thought in the back of my head that, what if it's no what I want. I mean his family, friends, his dog, all his silly things that make me smile, and how much we love each other, it's always what I've dreamed of. But it's also all I've known since we first began hooking up when I was 17. It took him 2 years to convince me that we would work despite how such different people we were. Even back then I was scared to give my heart to him, in case he broke it somewhere along the road. My only wish is that he'll love me, and forgive me when I'm finally ready to go back to him. He says he'll always love me, but not sure he'll always be waiting, and not so quick to forgive, thinking that it may happen again down the line.
Sorry this took so long, I'm just so torn between thinking I made the biggest mistake of my life, and being afraid of forever with the love of my life.
Elise-I've tried picturing an another reality without him, and it ends with me crying myself to sleep. My fantasy job would be a stay at home mom, which I'm sure he can provide. He already makes 75k a year, and is in line to become the next owner of his family business. As for wonderful friends, most of have come from his huge extended family. I use to talk with his 2 sisters, and about 10 of his cousins on a regular basis. Outside of that I have my close 5 friends or so. As for another boyfriend, I can't see myself being attracted to anybody like I am with him, and can't see anybody making me happier than him. I know this all sounds stupid considering the choice that I myself made, but he's giving me, and most likely will provide me with anything I've dreamed of, and that's the part the kills him is that I can't really explain why I need this break, but I do.
LittleMonster- I have spoken with him, and he knows it bothers me, and as slow as it's been, he has been making changes. He says it was a faze that he's growing out of, but I can't help but think that I'm forcing him to change, and he'll only be miserable not being himself. When I went to his place on his request to talk things out, he said wouldn't try to change my mind, but that I was being stupid, and if we only stayed together and had a little better communication that it would work wonders.
Thanks for helping out guys. Typing this out I realize I sound crazy saying how great he is and how much I love him, but I just feel like I need a break to get it out of my system so it doesn't happen down the line. I have no intent of seeing anybody else during this break, and the thought that he might makes me sick to my stomach. I just really can't explain why I feel like I need it though
Thanks again..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2012): you're doing the right thing in putting the brakes on and taking time for introspection. Having serious doubts about someone is a red flag that you are not ready to marry him and commit to spending the rest of your life with him so you should listen to your doubts and not sweep them under the rug or override them.I had serious doubts about several things going into my marriage but over-rode them because of the momentum and everyone else's expectations especially since we had already been together 7 years. I didn't expect my husband to change after marriage, I expected myself to change and get used to his issues that were bothering me. Well, things just got worse over the years. It got to where I concluded the right thing to have done was to not have married him in the first place and wasted 10 years of marriage in misery.I heard an in-depth news radio program where they were discussing the phenomenon of "cold feet before marriage"...they interviewed a bunch of people who were married - some for many years - and who had serious doubts before their marriage. Most of them were not happy in their marriage and felt they should have listened to their doubts but by then were too stuck in their married lives to change course. I'm not saying that doubts about marrying means this relationship is doomed. but it could very well mean that. You want to know which it is before marriage not after, is my point. Once you are married it is much harder and more complicated to work things out or to end the relationship since now there are other factors involved like kids, in-laws, property, finances, that get in the way of clear thinking and/or present new obstacles to resolving the issues.Another reason you should listen to your doubts now is because marriage will be much healthier and fulfilling if you don't try to change the other person and vice versa. It's unfair to marry someone for who they presently are, and then try to change them, or to change your expectation of them after marriage. Therefore, you need to know if you can be satisfied with him forever assuming he stays the same. If you are very bothered about some aspects of him right now, then now is the time to either resolve them so you can feel confident going into a marriage with him, or if trying to resolve it just blows up the relationship then it's better that it happen now rather than after getting married because it eventually would.
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A
female
reader, elise22  +, writes (27 December 2012):
 I think it may be one of these two things:
1. "I feel like he is the one I want to be with forever but I also just feel like I need time to be alone and miserable to reassure myself."
After five years together, the relationship is very serious and you are at the stage where, if you had been older, marriage would have been pretty close. You are still really young though, and haven't had serious relationships with anyone else, so you never know what might be out there. This guy was part of a crucial developmental stage in your life and maybe you're just having a hard time figuring out who you are without him. Of course every relationship has its ups and downs, and you can't change him. You can talk to him about your issues and maybe he will decide to change on his own, but in the end it's a 'take it or leave it' kind of situation.
2. "for the last 5 years he's been the only one that can make me happy". This guy is pretty much all you know, and if you did have relationships before this one, you were still a teenager. Maybe the feelings you're having are a gut feeling that you're not supposed to marry him, but you're scared to leave him because you do love him (you can love someone and still not want to marry them) and you're afraid of being alone or making the wrong decision, losing him forever and regretting it.
If it were me, it would be number two. Whenever I freak out about something, it's because I know I'm going down the wrong path, but I'm scared to change directions and then feel cornered. In my heart I always know what to do though, it just takes some time to pick up the courage. That said, everyone is different and it might be that you just need to take some time to calm down and warm up your feet. I suggest that you have an open and honest conversation with your boyfriend, if you're meant to be together he will understand. Please do this soon and don't keep him waiting, or you might lose him and then realise you were really just scared.
And maybe try to picture an alternate reality without him, in a world where you only do things you love (like you have your fantasy-job, wonderful friends and maybe even another boyfriend) and see if you could be happy in any life that doesn't include him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2012): All actions have consequences. You will have to live with your choices.It is not for anyone to say whether or not you are being stupid. No one knows you. You obviously thought about the consequences of losing him forever...which, candidly, might very well happen. In times of confusion like this I would find a way to challenge yourself...play devils advocate and see thing from his point of view. It is my humble opinion that empathy is the single greatest attribute in a relationship.
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