A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I love my boyfriend, but his habits of selfishness and laziness are starting to really eat at me. While he constantly reminds that he loves me, I don't feel he does or cares about me. He doesn't seem at all concerned with what I might need or want, and everything seems devoted to him.He is only concerned with his wants and needs to the point I feel unimportant. I have to prompt him to make him do things, like offering to give me a lift somewhere or helping around the house and when we go out. And when I do, I usually get annoyed and he always tries to 'save himself' by saying he was about to ask, but I 'beat him to it'. Also, he doesn't get on with my family, especially my Mum, and whenever I invite him over or he knows he will meet her, there is always an awkward silence which implies he is unwilling, or he makes a bad joke which has grown old. I understand it isn't pleasant to meet someone you dislike, but in my opinion, if you really care for someone, it is vital you are polite etc to make peace for the one you 'love'. But he doesn't seem to know, or care about me.Last night, after he eventually took me home, my Mum shouted at him. it triggered because he claimed he was too tired to take me home, but after 20 minutes he managed to 'gain his second wind'. Then she took the opportunity to express her feelings toward him. I told him that stuff many times before but he hadn't changed much. I don't know what I feel at the moment and my boyfriend feels awful today too. I feel insulted and disrespected, as if my boyfriend and I are over. I love him, but it's hard to get this stuff to sink in to him. He's not a bad guy, he's just..really selfish and lazy....and it's complicated in that he's still affectionate to me, but the "normal behavior" you exhibit with someone you love...he lacks, and it makes me feel unimportant and undervalued, and is putting me into a state of depression.Why does he behave like this if he loves me as he says? Is Mum disrespectful for shouting at him? Why did she do it? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Leykis101  +, writes (24 August 2012):
 Some people are lazy, and unmotivated, some guys do not know how to be good boyfriends, some guys are selfish because they do not know how to not be selfish, I know I have had to work my ass off to just do stupid little things that are apparently supposed to come naturally when you love somebody, like to pick them up a drink when I buy myself one, to buy them something to eat when I get myself something, to ask them if I can do something to make their life easier, stupid little menial stuff like that, most people just do by nature, I just don't think that way, and it has nothing to do with my love for someone, or my feelings towards someone, it's just not the way I'm wired, and it's been a bitch making myself become that way, Your mom is absolutely out of line, who the hell does she think she is? yelling at him like he's a damn 5 year old, you need to put her in check, I know how I'd feel, why doesn't his "girlfriend" that's supposed to love him, and be down for him, stick up for him when her own mom is on his ass, do you not love him? then why is it OK for your mom to speak that way to him? seems to me if you had his back, you'd tell your mom to butt her ass out, and if she doesn't have anything good to say to him, to say nothing, why the hell would you ever assume he'd want anything to do with your mom, when she speaks to him like a 3rd grader? you maybe chatting with your mom behind the scenes? you venting to your mom, and making him out to be an asshole? so she treats him as such when she's around him? you need to make sure your bed is made before you judge how he makes his, and you better have a long talk with him, because he obviously doesn't have any clue what's going on, he is just being himself, and obviously he loves you, but how do you expect he will ever change, if he doesn't even know what it is that he's supposed to change? good luck.
A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (23 August 2012):
 I think he loves you he's just a lazy guy. And it's frustrating as hell. You have to do or initate most everything because he's content to just sit and take forever. Have you talked to him about it and shared how it makes you feel like he doesn't care? Does he have other major problems or just laziness? Do you honestly think he cares for you and loves you? I can't get a feel for him or your relationship from this post. It sounds like he's just lazy from what I read. You said he's selfish but didn't give examples of how everything is devoted to him as you stated. But you did say you feel depressed and that's never good in a relationship. Have you discussed this with him either?
About your mom- I find that highly inappropriate. Even if she does not agree with him or particularly like him, where does she get the right to yell at him?? She's not his mother. I'd act the same way he does when she is mentioned, if I didn't bail on the relationship altogether first. What would have been appropriate is for her to tell you that she doesn't want you getting home late or that she doesn't care for your boyfriend, when he isn't around. That's it. You say it is vital to keep the peace for someone you love yet you don't hold your mom to that same standard. I think it's natural for someone who is going somewhere they dislike to moan and groan a little. Is he actually rude to your mother when he goes to your house or family events?
Bottom line you should speak to him about everything you told us about. And probably should speak to your mother about the inappropriate yelling. If after speaking to him you still feel depressed and down like you do now then you shouldn't be with him. There's no point in being in a relationship that makes you unhappy.
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