A
female
age
41-50,
*oxxy1
writes:I love my boyfriend and I know he is the one for me but I don't like his group of friends and it could potentially ruin us if I don't know how to communicate my feelings with him.I am in a blossoming loving LDR with a man I love and met through a mutual friend. I have visited him several times in Atlanta and he has also done the same. I met his friends in Atlanta and I am ok with them so no red flags until now. We are finally trying to take the relationship to the next step by being closer to one another. After long debates he has agreed to move instead of me.Well since he is planning to move down here, he is trying to communicate more with the friends in my states so he can secure a job and also not to be lonely when the time comes. The first time I saw the group of friends here was on facebook and I was devastated. I know these guys. These are the group of men that no respectful reasonable will want to associate themselves with. I know about them as the married men that still want to be single and they don't even try to sneak doing what they do therefore disrespecting their spouses. I am a little bit concerned because I quickly told my man and he told me that he knows what some of them do but it si not his business and they need to grow up and be men. I just left it alone thinking it wont bother me. But it does bother me. I am embarrassed to find my boyfriend in pictures on facebook with these set of men. I am a very respectable person in my community. I may be young but I have a good federal job and heavily involved in politics, religious and from a good family background. No one will ever believe that I date a man that has ties with these set of men.I am scared to even go out with my boyfriend when he around because i dont know who will recognize me. I love this man so much and everything has been great. I see my friends in good homes atleast on the surface thats what I see. They are all with nice men and are selective of the friends they have around. I want the same thing.What really now ticked me off was yesterday, he told me to go with him to a party his friend he invited him too. I asked if his wife was coming and he said yes. When we got to the party, there were no seats or maybe it was set up like that by his friend. He invited us so he could have saved me and my man a seat. The friend ended up giving me his seat so I sat by his wife. He and his boys now formed another table on the side and sat there with my man. So pretty much, they were flirting with single ladies in the pasrty and I thought it was akward to see my man in the midst of such nonsense. I have not spoken to him about it because I sensed he knew I was disgusted because he immediately told me when we got outside the party that he was sorry that the men sat in one place and the wives in another and he thought it was wierd too.How do I communicate this with my boyfriend. I dont want to control him or act like I am choosing his friends. I dont thin trust is the main issue but I just dont want that kind of association in my life. If this is the person I am trying to be with for the rest of my life, what can I say to him about dis-associating with his friends that will not make up flip off?. Please help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2011): If I tell him one more time and I know its gonna take a while to eventually walk away from old friends, will I be controlling to tell him to untag the pictures on facebook of himself? Can I tell him to avoid taking pictures in public with them? Huh am I going to be too controlling?The answer is yes and what you should be doing is showing him that you love him unconditionally, and trusting that he loves you. Accept his friends, you don't have to like them, but you should accept that they are his friends because you love him. If you can't and can only have things YOUR way, then do him a favour and break up with him and let him find a woman who truly loves him and doesn't want to control his life, chose his friends, and make him into a man she has made up, instead of loving the man he is.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 October 2011):
 I too have a great long term federal job and come from a lovely Upper Class family... my LDR boyfriend is moving down to be with me too. I would never tell him who he can and cannot be friends with or how to behave with his friends. He knows right from wrong.
As for my job... NOTHING my bf does will affect MY JOB. WHO he hangs out with will NOT impact MY JOB... are you an elected official? That's different than a nice secure federal job. I'm second generation Federal employee and I've been at this 22 years.... Job security is a lovely thing.
I'm so NOT sure what this means:
"I am scared to even go out with my boyfriend when he around because i dont know who will recognize me."
but G-d help me, I am PROUD at all times to be seen with my snaggle toothed, poorly dressed, boyfriend. BECAUSE I am a deeply loved woman. I have a man who loves me beyond anything else in the world and is willing to uproot his ENTIRE LIFE to be with me. WOW... isn't that what you have too?
I have facebook. I have friends my BF HATES and thinks are bad for me... his choice for these friends: "SVC you go without me to visit your friends... I'll do something else" said with a smile. HE KNOWS he has NO RIGHT to tell me who I can and cannot be friends with.
You CANNOT love a person's potential. YOU have to love and ACCEPT them where they are....
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (24 October 2011):
 "Ok, If I tell him one more time and I know its gonna take a while to eventually walk away from old friends, will I be controlling to tell him to untag the pictures on facebook of himself? Can I tell him to avoid taking pictures in public with them? Huh am I going to be too controlling?" The answer to that would be...yep.
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A
female
reader, Foxxy1 +, writes (24 October 2011):
Foxxy1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow seems to me like everyone is on my boyfriend's side and it looks like all I got is trust. I trust him but you know the saying "Birds of the same feather flock together" If that is not my man's type of setting, then I think by now he should have dis-engaged himself from these type of people.People tell me when he gets married, he will change and move on with more respectable people. I am just a person that likes to see things clearly before jumping the gun. I almost wish I am the one moving over to Atlanta because he has some very good friends that wish well for him. They always show me a lot of respect when I am around and are eager to see us settle down.His friends here are opposite. They don't acknowledge me when I am around and seems like they don't want him to settle down or better yet with me. Their women have low standards and accepts their behavior. As for me they know I take no BS so they see me as a threat to their friendship.Ok, If I tell him one more time and I know its gonna take a while to eventually walk away from old friends, will I be controlling to tell him to untag the pictures on facebook of himself? Can I tell him to avoid taking pictures in public with them? Huh am I going to be too controlling?
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female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (24 October 2011):
 Honestly, you sound like someone who takes her social standing way too seriously. What is it exactly that you do for a living that has you so embarrassed/paranoid? Do you honestly think that people are monitoring and scoffing at your boyfriend's friends? Unless you're the major, a state representative or a high state ranking official, I don't think you have anything to worry about. I know this may sound crazy to you, but you're not as important as you think and most people won't care who your boyfriend associates with. For God's sake, he is just your boyfriend, not your husband! You think people are judging you because these conclusions are coming out of YOUR head. Since you find these men unacceptable, you think everyone else will. Luckily for you, most people are not this critical and judgmental. Just because you think a certain way, doesn't mean the majority does. And if you're so embarrassed to be around these people, then disassociate yourself from them. I am not too fond of my man's acquaintances, so I don't hang out with them. Instead of trashing people, you simply go separate ways. It's that simple with no hard feelings. If, however, you want to control who he sees....that's an entirely different situation then. He will be moving to your city, so you won't get to see the gang a whole lot either, so I'm not sure why you're even complaining. Humble yourself a bit and realize that life is not meant to be controlled.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (24 October 2011):
If you don't want to control him then don't, let him make up his own mind about these guys. If you trust him then let him sort this out on his own. If you don't want to associate with them then don't but I think you will be making a huge mistake if you tell him that he can't. Once he has settled in after his move he will make some new acquaintances and perhaps they will be up to your standards.
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A
female
reader, Claraw1  +, writes (24 October 2011):
 I am sorry but what you are trying to do is to chose his friends and be controlling. One of the best ways to ruin a relationship is to try and chose your man's friends. I can understand how you feel, but your man was right what his friend's do is none of his business or anyone else's business except their wives. If your man isn't acting the same way as them you have nothing to worry about.
I don't particularly like my boyfriend's friends, but they are his friend's and I have no right to tell him who he should be friend's with. You say he is moving to be closer to you, and now you want him to disassociate with the only friend's that he has there, I am sorry but that is extremely selfish on your part. The thing that I always think of when I find myself around my boyfriend's friends is that I love him and want to be with him, so I smile and remember that it's the least I can do for the man I love.
Good luck, I hope it works out for you
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