A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I love my boyfriend dearly. We've been dating 1.5 years.But, we have totally different personalities. I am very friendly, outgoing, love to get out and do stuff. I run and hike several times a week. I am very affectionate with him. Sometimes I worry that I am too clingy, but it's just my personality.He on the other hand, while sweet and funny, is not nearly as affectionate or romantic. Always teases me and, while I know he is joking, it's sometimes too much. He is into rough frequent but quick sex where I am into gentler, longer "love making". Slightly overweight, would rather play video games than go outdoors with me. If he texts me I pounce on the phone and get excited, if I text him it may be a while until I get a response...A few months after we began dating I ended the relationship because I felt like he just didn't seem to put much effort into it and wasn't all that interested. He said that wasn't the case at all, that he couldn't be with anyone else and admitted that he had some issues with showing and feeling others emotions. Sooner or later we began to date again.Lately he has been talking about marriage and children. While I love this man so much it actually hurts and would love to spend the rest of my life with him, I'm terrified that might not work. I want it to, but I'm scared his sometimes lack of emotion (which he has admitted to several times, even saying the last time he cried was when he was 11...) isn't going to mix well with me being very pretty emotional.I just need some advice on how to deal with this. I don't want to jump into marriage only for it to fall apart, but I DO love him and can't imagine being with anyone else. I can dream of a prince charming, but I just want my boyfriend. I can't change who he is I know, but perhaps I can show him how to pick up on my emotions better? Or perhaps it's me who needs to learn to accept his personality. Help!
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female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (7 December 2014):
 Aw...Wise Owl gave such a wonderful answer. I don't think I an even come close to his, but here's my take on things. 1. Never settle. If someone doesn't tick all your boxes, then move on. 2. Never expect to change someone. So many people make this mistake!!! People are who they are, and most people don't want to change...for ANYONE. Accept someone as who they are, and if you can't...then its time to leave. 3. Be who you are. Don't change for someone else unless you WANT to change.
If you are having misgivings...explore them. Better now than 2 years down the road when there's a marriage, a mortgage and a kid or two.
Relationships take work that is for sure but don't be afraid to walk away. Sometimes you can love someone with all of your heart..but they aren't the right one for you.
Think things over very carefully. All the little doubts you have..are they things you can live with? Or are they things that will drive you crazy later on?? Only you can answer this
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2014): I think he loves you. Does he smoke weed? The way you describe him, video gamer, likes the indoors, slightly overweight, unemotional, slow to respond...sounds like a pot head. If he is a pot head, (or whatever he is on), I would encourage him to cut back significantly. And because I do think he loves you I think he will be open to your requests. He might not change overnight but I think he will be willing to modify things for you. My first love was a pot head. And like you I was really active and he was lethargic. It created conflict cause I started smoking with him and became lethargic myself and then depressed. Cause being active makes me happy. We didn't see eye to eye. My boyfriend now smokes pot. He used to smoke all day. When we moved in together he cut back to only at nighttime. He is a lot more active than me. He takes long walks through the hills every morning. He is always working. But he is also athletic, played sports most of his life so he enjoys physical activity. And I love that he is active. See if your bf will cut back on his "indoor" lifestyle and be willing to join you for some outdoor stuff. I really think its the weed or something he is on that is preventing him from fully satisfying both you and himself. But I don't think it's lack of love.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2014): Dating and courtship is when we begin evaluating people to determine how much time and emotion we want to invest in a relationship. Where the relationship goes and how it evolves, will determine what levels it will elevate to. Some hit a plateau, and some start to deteriorate with time. If it doesn't improve over-time, only an idiot would stick it out. Bail out when the ship is sinking!
I had a relationship that was happy and lasted 28 years.
It was freaking hard-work; because he was taught to be very macho, and showed very little emotion or affection at the beginning. He over-compensated his masculinity; because he was gay and in the closet. He was a lawyer by profession. He was arrogant, highly educated, and had a heart of gold. He was sweet and generous. He was a handful, and could be quite obnoxious. I'm the manly-type myself. I had great male role-models growing up. Nature decided I should be gay.
We met when we were teenagers, and we literally grew-up together. I knew him for who he was inside and out. I knew the lack of affection was a facade, and I had to work to break through it. I had to coach him how to be relaxed and comfortable with displaying tenderness and affection. I also set myself a deadline for how long I was going to put-up with this lack of affection crap. I'm warm and cuddly. I had it all my life. I thrive on affection.
I don't pour my soul and feelings out, and let some guy tell me he's got issues and can't give back. The hell you say?! Seriously?! Then go find somebody else. I'm the lovin' kind!
Hell-to-the-NO on that, sister!
Sorry, but the rough-sex was okay with me! But on the other-hand, I like a lot of tender kissing and foreplay. I like caressing, snuggling my neck, sweet whispers, and blowing in my ear. I do a lot of stuff to please a partner, and this gay man isn't settling for any less effort. I want the tingles. I know how to give them too!
I was not going to give all my love and affection to a Vulcan, or an android.
I wanted something in return. I let him know that I understood how difficult it was to let go of his emotions, but don't expect me to accept that. I could find everything I needed elsewhere. Nobody...I repeat... nobody should settle for crumbs from your man; when you give them a three-layer cake!
Don't get it twisted! That means you have to give him goodies he likes as an investment, and expect high dividends when it's time to cash-in! If he wants kinky, I want diamonds! Figuratively speaking, my dear! Although he was quite generous. I got great gifts in all forms. I earned them. I gave back what he needed from me too!
He died seven years ago. My heart aches for him to this day! He died before gay-marriage became legal in our state. I wouldn't have stayed with him, if I didn't get everything I needed in a relationship. My mom and dad proved you could have it all. So I want it!!!
We had a lot in-common. He liked to do the things I liked. He introduced me to new things. He showed a genuine interest in my hobbies and worked-out with me. Girlfriend, don't settle for a man who makes excuses for not giving you what you need, and expecting you to adjust yourself to live with deficiencies. No way, no how!!! You get to chose who you marry in the United States! There is no excuse for marrying a guy who's lousy/selfish in bed, shows no tenderness and affection; and offers hollow promises to do better just to shut me up. I'd rather be single.
Marriages don't last; because people lie to each other at the alter. They go into marriage knowing the relationship was in the crapper before they ever married. They rush into it for all the wrong reasons. What good is starting a family, if you're going to fly apart; because the marriage is bogus. If you just want to fulfill a fantasy with the pomp and circumstance of a fancy wedding, a ring, a pretty gown, and flowers. Don't bring kids into something make-believe and thrown together. THEY suffer for it.
Divorce lawyers get quite rich! They brag about it!
A dumb and desperate person settles for someone you love in a 60 to 40 percent ratio; when it comes down to the effort put into the relationship.
Worried about your biological clock? Freeze your eggs, or you can have kids out of wedlock, if you want babies. You can do bad all by yourself. "I want to spend the rest of my life with him." Or, until the divorce is final!
Marry the man who gives you everything he promises you at the alter, before he asks you to marry him. That's why you marry him. Not in the hope the good stuff will happen later! You marry to keep what's already good going. Not start from nothing, and work your way up. Maybe in a business, but not in a marriage!!! If he promises to do better, don't marry him until he does! Give him a report card!
Sorry that I went on and on. I was denied the right to marry; and I had exactly what I wanted. He's dead, but I got what I wanted and needed anyway, during all the time we had each other. You probably didn't want to hear from some queer guy!
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (7 December 2014):
 Your instincts are working overtime and telling you that the decisions being made now that will effect the rest of your life are in question. Listen to your instincts they are what save your life in stressfull situations. I'd suggest as a minimum you do a serious ans sober reevaluation of your future. Instincts are part of what mother nature has given you to survive. never ignore them! Good Luck
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