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female
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anonymous
writes: Please help. SORRY FOR LONG POST.. please read!!!How do you know when to call it a day? I have been with my boyfriend over two years, and my feelings for him have bordered on obssession at times. I believe a lot of this is down to his personality... he is very indifferent, laid back and casual about everything, but with an incredible innate charm, not to mention extreme good looks. We started off on an equal footing, but over time my insecurity has caused me to become nagging, questioning, and constantly looking for reassurance. We have had many big arguments about this. He does love me - but whether he loves me as much as I love him, I dont know.The most frequent cause of arguments is that I often feel he isnt paying me enough attention. This can take the form of when we are sitting together watching TV he may not put his arm around me, to when we are at parties and he may disappear off talking to friends for hours at a time, to when we are apart and he doesnt text me as often as I would like. I am tired of hearing myself get upset about this and ask for reassurance. I am tired of worrying that he is going to leave me. I am tired of feeling jealous of friends whose boyfriends are all over them. My boyfriend is loving in his own way - when Im ill he fusses around me, when I need support he offers it unconditionally, and he always takes me out with his friends who know everything about me - ie, he obviously talks about me a lot. On the other hand, I have known him to flirt with other women in my presence, go out with his friends and not text me all night, and be silent and moody with me at times, rebuffing all my attempts at affection. I often feel dissatisfied and needing more. Most times I end up crying about it to him, at which point he gets exasperated. Recently he has questioned whether he can ever make me happy. He has so much going on in his life, so many friends, I often feel unimportant too him.Please help me. This has gone on long enough. I love him so much and he has become my life for the past two years. I dont see how I can ever finish with him, but how can this continue? What can I do? Is it me or is it him, or are we just not suited? How can I not be suited to someone I love so much, and who deep down I do know loves me? We share many interests, friends, have such fun together when I am not feeling needy, Before these arguments started, we had planned to get married and have children together one day. I would give anything for this to happen. Every time I have been needy to him I go away and cry for being such a loser and destroying my own relationship. One quick point - having read through this, it sounds like Im the kind of girl who sits in and does nothing with her life, waiting for her boyfriend. Not true - I have a lot of friends, go out a lot, and have a glamorous job as a fashion PR. But I always drop everything for him - because he is the most important thing in the world to me.I am so depressed, if anyone can help me with advice, I would appreciate it so much. Thanks to all who do so. PS I am 27 and he is 30.Thank you. xxx
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male
reader, Learning2Love +, writes (28 November 2006):
 Well I have a twist on your story. In my relationship with my ex gf, I was the more affectionate and attentive one. And that was difficult for me, but I loved her and was willing to live with it, but it was especially hard when my self-confidence was low - which caused me to be clingy. If I had a chance I would do it differently, I wouldn't allow her to be the centre of my universe and I wouldn't put my hobbies and friends on the back burner... She wasn't used to the kind of love that I had for her and it made her nervous and confused (she wasn't used to tactile showing of love - although she appreciated it from me - but unfortunately not to the extent I would've liked). So in closing if you really love him and see a future with him (like I did and still do with her) then I would suggest that you learn to accept his level of love and attention - otherwise just break it off. He may change with time but if you don't allow him the space to show his affection then you're just forcing him to push away. Maybe if he was as outwardly affectionate as you you'd probably find yourself bored - that's a thought to ponder.
But no one person should ever have or be your life purpose. Only God has the right to that role. Good luck hun! And let us know how it goes.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2006): Oh my god you sound soooooo much like me!!! my on off bf of nearly three years has been my obsession, the love and the bane of my life and he has consumed so much of my time,thoughts and energy i cant tell you. Yes it seems crazy and others may say seek help for your depression but it is HIM who is causing it and not you. ask yourself why is it that you are dropping your friends to see him like i did, its because you dont feel comfortable enough to spend time with them both. HE obviously does not make you feel as secure as you need to feel to be comfortable in the relationship. It really is that simple. I know because iv been in great relationships before where i just grew out of the person. My current - and your current bf just arent making us feel as loved as they should. If they cared so much wouldnt they be addressing this and trying to help us not feel like this?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2006): Reading your question just sounds like my life, my boyfriend is exactly same but i have learned to love him the way he is. He was like that when i met him and even though i would like a bit more attention im not going to try change him. Sometimes i think if i did get all this attention i might loose interest. Think about it, and try stop crying to him because that will def put him off, i would never do that to my bf because it seems so pityfull!!Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2006): Well, you might be suffering from clinical depression, and as it is worth checking that out, perhaps finding a psychologist to help with your feelings.....
Also, you and he may not be well suited together. Perhaps you would do better with a man who is naturally more affectionate.
What is certain is that if you continue with this kind of behavior you will eventually reach the point where he has had enough and then it will end.
Keep in mind that NOBODY - boyfriend, husband, parents, friends, can ever meet all our needs for love and security!
That has to come from a different source. Have you ever thought of spending some time in quiet meditation on a daily basis? 10 or 20 minutes, maybe in front of a candle, just allowing your mind to get quiet......this can help.
And of course, it might be a good idea not to "drop everything" for him! If he asks you out, but you already have other plans, say so, and suggest another day to get together! I think you will feel better in terms of respecting yourself, if you do this, and if he's worth anything he should be able to understand - not to mention feel relieved that you are not depending on him alone for companionship! Then, you may find he starts to feel more comfortable with you, when he sees you are more relaxed and less needy!
Try it - and good luck!
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A
female
reader, marie78 +, writes (20 November 2006):
I know.... I feel bad for you, because I felt alone in my relationship as well. The best advice I have is for you to become more independent- make more time for your friends, go out (girls nights!), get involved in some sort of activity (soccer, swimming, etc) and meet new people, and start focusing on school (I know that might be hard when your relationship is on your mind). If you keep bothering him, he'll break-up with you; however, he should spend more time with you if it's really bothering you. Note: there are men out here in the world who would love to spend all of their time with you. My best gf has a bf who adores her and spends so much time with her, and he's successful in his career. So, you might want to start thinking about the type of affection you need and if he's giving it to you. Maybe you need a guy who's overtly affectionate. Think about your needs!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2006): Well, I think the last line, I am so depressed, can anyone help me with advice could possibly hold a clue.
Please see your doctor and tell him how you are feeling, the frequency of these crying jags and feelings of insecurity come up...you may in fact be suffering from a form of mild depression and need some medication, you might be amazed at how a change in thinking and attitude will help you and improve your relationships in general.
It sounds like you both have a fabulous life, and your boyfrend wants to marry you, and you are reading a lot of negative stuff into what I would call everyday behavior of a man who is comfortable with you, but a little annoyed that you are so clingy.
I also think some talk therapy would do you a lot of good, go look for a PHD psychologist behavioral or cognitive, not a psychiatrist....they can help you sort your feelings out about everything you mention here and more....good luck to you.
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