A
male
age
51-59,
*ris
writes:Hi all, can somebody please help with some objective advice... I'm going out of my mind!To cut a long story short, I'm in my late 30s, and have a fairly long distance relationship (100 miles) with my girlfriend. When we started out, it was brilliant - she couldn't do enough for me, nor me for her. In every way, if you know what I mean. I love her for her personality as well as the physical attraction I feel for her. And she felt the same way. We're great friends as much as anything.The problem is that she has completely lost all interest in the physical side of the relationship. In every way, and it's driving me nuts. She still calls me her boyfriend, but doesn't want any physical contact at all. She doesn't understand why she's gone frigid (her words, not mine) and neither do I - but my previous relationship was pretty sterile in that department too. I don't think it's me, as she's called me the best lover she's ever had and this is a complete reversal of what she used to be like. By her own admission.She says that sex isn't the be all and end all, which is true. But as it stands right now I feel like I'm being pushed away while putting all the effort into our relationship - helping her out with day to day stuff, etc - and not getting a great deal back.So what do I do? I love the girl to pieces, and want things to be as they were, but don't want to pressure her into anything. Don't get me wrong - I'm not obsessed about it, but the constant rejection from someone who says she loves you is frustrating at best. At worst, it's crushing...
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crush, frigid, long distance Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Cateyes  +, writes (25 July 2007):
 Sorry Cris...I finally found your post and hope I can help you. There is much of what Eddie has stated to you that is so true. I like his word "demand", but of course in a nice way of asking what seems to be the problem, because the key to any relationship is through communication and truly listening to your partner. This works BOTH ways here let me add that. You say you talked to her, from your last post, but did you REALLY? I say that because you didn't get any straight answer from her. And then she is going to go talk to someone else and not YOU? This is puzzling to me. If I was in her shoe's I WOULD want to be with the man I love and especially being long distance I WOULD want to make love to him as much as I could..it's just expressing myself to him to show him how much I love him and want to be with him. I have been in a LD relationship and I did as often as I could because I missed him, and the more stress the more I missed and wanted to be with him. As far as kids, the "change" of life...I don't see that as being a factor here. She would know...and she should be able to talk to you about it. The key to any relationship is communication and really, really listening to what they say. No one should be embarresed or anything, we are all adults here. What should be said is the truth and with all honesty in there true feelings and that is what you need to bring out of her and seek the truth, even if it hurts. Sometimes a long distance relationship can make things go sour. When your not with someone daily and if there is not enough communication on BOTH sides, you feel neglected and rejected. Mere words sometimes cannot replace the feelings of someone's touch. Then, interest in that person just doesn't feel the same. Normally, there's always the "one" who doesn't want it to go a stray, because you really do love that person and in your heart want to work it out and you try so hard, but the other falls out of love in their own way and they just don't want to admit it so they back off. AND it hurts like hell. BOTH have to work at it, and if she is willing, and that is what you need to talk to her about, she will if she really does love you. You have to be blunt and not beat around the bush about it. Cris, don't know if I did help in anyway, but your free to write me back if I can help you in anyway.Best Wishes to you.
A
male
reader, Cris +, writes (24 July 2007):
Cris is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys. I've just got off the phone to her talking about it, and yes, she admits there's something wrong and that it's not my problem or issue, but hers. Whether it's her kids stressing her, or medical, or even the change, she doesn't know. She's said she's going to talk to a couple of people for their objective opinions about it all.
In every other respect, it's quite a healthy relationship - we make a good team together, and while I don't really want to write it all off, I don't want to be like brother and sister with her either...
I'd be interested to hear some opinions from some of the ladies on here as well, just to put a female point of view across...
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A
male
reader, blazee +, writes (24 July 2007):
 ok, well it is good that your getting in to shape. but if she dosent realize the effort your making, mabye its better to leave her. usually i would say in you love her keep trying but if your giving into this relationship and not getting anything back. mabye its time to move on??
good luck ok?
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (24 July 2007):
 OK, that sounds strange. There MUST be a reason. In my opinion it indicates a change of heart on her part. You have to sit down and "demand" ( in a nice way ) an answer. If she agrees that it's not normal behavior for her, she should be interested in discovering what the problem is.
It sounds like she's unsure of the relationship. Unless there is a medical reason, I'm stumped.
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A
male
reader, Cris +, writes (24 July 2007):
Cris is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the answer, Eddie. We only get to see each other once or twice a month, and yes, initally we did make love every time I went to see her. However, we haven't made love now since the beginning of May. I wouldn't say my needs are out of the ordinary at all. Initially, she was into it just as much as me. I just don't understand it at all...
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (24 July 2007):
What you're experiencing is very common and frustrating for the person who wants more sex. Usually it's the man chasing the woman. (usually)
Is it possible the amount of sex you were having in the beginning was unusually high and now a normal amount feels like it's not enough? How often do you see each other? Do yo have sex every time you're together? For her to go frigid means something and she needs to find out why. You need to give her a little time of figure it out too.
It is understandable that you feel rejected. This of course is said assuming your sexual needs are within the scope of normal. If you were trying to have sex three times a day and she only wanted it 4 times a week, you'd be in the wrong.
Try to figure out what the issue is. Be nice and be honest. Hopefully she'll act in the same manner.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2007): Cris
Your last sentence says it all. You can't have a platonic relationship. Unless impotence is the problem, very few men can do without, and the impotent ones feel pretty much devastated about their situation.
Is she afraid of pregnancy perhaps? Or STD's?
I suspect the attraction is all on your side, and now that she's 'snared' you she's turned the tap off because she never got that much out of it in the first place.
You either stay with her and remain faithful (or not), or you end the relationship before she starts talking about marriage!
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A
male
reader, Cris +, writes (24 July 2007):
Cris is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the reply - I've done all that, strangely enough! Started to get more in shape, I've lost 2 stone in 2 months and got much better definition, started to be more assertive, etc. I've tried touching and kissing her gently in an attempt to get her in the mood a little, but there's nothing doing whatsoever. We've only been seeing each other for 6 months, half of which have been very difficult to cope with.
She has said she'd be really upset if I was unfaithful to her, but the way I see it, I have needs as well... She has said that it wouldn't be right to do anything if she's not into it, which is fair enough. I feel that me saying anything is just compounding the problem and putting her under pressure, which I don't want. So like I said, I don't know what to do. I can't have a platonic relationship with her after how we used to be...
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A
male
reader, blazee +, writes (24 July 2007):
try and be more stronger when your speaking to her and do things that may turn her on. also going to the gym or woring our for an hour a day then a little run isnt to much to ask so that your relationship stays healthy.
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