A
male
age
30-35,
*hatOneKid
writes:So, my best friend and I are in Love. We didn't realize is until recently, but we both realize it now. Only thing is, she has a boyfriend that she also "loves". I don't get it. We both talk to each other and say we Love each other and basically know we are gonna be together forever. She calls me during her breaks at work, just to talk, we text random secret love notes and stuff, but she is not willing to give up this guy for me. The story begins about 6 months ago with me, after being friends with her for a while, making a move on her one day, and kissing her. We made out for a good while, but at the time no one was really interested in dating. But, as things progressed and continued to happen with her, i started falling for her. Well, I spoke up one day, and to my dismay, she said she wasn't looking for a relationship. So me, taking it like a man, said "I can't like someone who doesn't like me". Which basically in my head means, the only reason this wouldn't work, is cause you don't want it too. Well, after that, we still hung and stuff, but things slowed down, and she met this other guy, and I mean, just met, this other guy around that time, and started foolin around with him also.. I couldn't tell her at the time, but it hurt so bad for her to just drop me like that. And the second greatest thing about it is, This guy didn't even like her as a person before she offered to have sex with him. Well, again, that stuff progressively went on and about 2 weeks after she said that she didn't want to be in a relationship, She called me, and like I was gonna be happy for her or something, she told me "So, me and Jacob and dating" When I heard those words, my heart stopped. You see, over the past month or so, I had began to fall, and I mean hard. Like, I loved everything about this girl, She's funny, down to earth, laid back, Cute as all hell, her hair always looks good no matter what, etc... basically in Love not just High school love, but I mean love. Well, I swallowed my pride and didn't talk to her for 2 days and didn't ever tell her why... just went along... That is until like a month ago. I have bipolar disorder, which basically means I have an On/Off switch. On one of the days I was "off", it happened to be because I was letting their relationship get to me, I was getting jealous, thinking all the time that "this guy doesn't deserve her." Well, she had called me crying cause I wouldn't talk to her (not by choice, I was "off" remember :D) and I finally told her how I felt, I said that I still liked her, and she seemed surprised, but it made sense so, she tried to not have him around when we hung.. Well, we started hanging out more after that, and it wasn't awkward at all. So, we started hanging out a lot, like more than we ever had before. Well, one day, to my huge suprise, she confronted me and said "I think I like you" with her really really cute guilty face, and I couldn't have been more happy. From then on, I flirted with her, I made her feel good, basically did anything to build off that "like" in attempts to be with her. As the days went, the sexual tension grew (us already having sex a few months back didn't make it easier, only because we both knew it was so great) and you could tell she was starting to fall for me too. Thats when the conversations got serious, the "This is serious feelings we have" talk, the "why can't we be together" talk, the "why I can't kiss you" talk, and they all had one stopping point, her boyfriend. Now, the best part, she was at her dads house in a diff city, and I was with some friends back home, we started texting, and we were having the "I just want to kiss you talk" and I said I would drive out 2 hours just to see her. So I did.. I drove all the way out to see her, ditched my friends, at midnight, just to see her. Well, I got there we started hanging, and talking, and then it happened, she grabbed my shirt and kissed me, you could tell You could tell there was a lot of pent up emotion (she bit me sooo hard ;D ) It was amazing, till what she said next, the look in her eyes, this time the guilty face was not so cute, she looked like she wanted to kill herself, she started to cry and said she wanted to be with me so bad, but she had Jacob. I consoled her, told her it was just a kiss, and went home. From then on, the talks have only gotten more serious, we say I love you to eachother just like they do, and she talks to me more than him.. Now you can see my predicament. I am in Love, and She is in Love with... well... us... Now keep in mind, that this guy is a complete tool, he didn't even talk to her before she offered to have sex with him, and for some reason she loves him, she won't give him up when she herself states "I know I will be happy with you, and "I hate that we can't be together"(The guy throws the "love" word around like it was a penny, he has said it to every girl he has ever dated) and I guess she fell for that.. HELP
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male
reader, ThatOneKid +, writes (22 September 2010):
ThatOneKid is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate: So, I told her boyfriend that she had cheated on him with me ... after numerous attempts to tell him that I was a threat (and him blowing it off). He threatened to beat me up (which is a joke, I'm twice his size) and she cried and said I never meant anything to her .. We didn't talk for over a year after that ...
I moved in with her old roomate a few months ago which lead us to start talking again .. We just pretend like that part of our lives never happened .. Only once when we were all drunk at our house did she say, "I'm sorry I hurt you" other than that.. she was still her boyfriend Jacob up until a few weeks ago (he chose drugs over her)... and now she's in the "I hate all men" phase ... I'm not sure if there's anything to come in the future with this girl .. She completely destroyed me view of Love and now I question myself all the time .. We have class together next term though ... :/ ... We never really talked about what happened .. or how she actually felt .. So .. who knows ...
I did meet this other girl though ... I like her a lot .. we are taking things slow .. Seeing how it goes ... We have the same feelings about the word Love ... it's not to be used .. Good Luck to anyone who's in the same situation ... My advice a few years after it happened: ... She loved her boyfriend ... Not me ... I would have saved myself a lot of hurt if I would have just allowed myself to accept that reality ..
A
male
reader, ThatOneKid +, writes (11 September 2008):
ThatOneKid is verified as being by the original poster of the question@ 1st Male responder: I feel that way sometimes, that was my original feeling for about 4 months, I can see how you think it would be distorted, but the look in her eyes when she says she loves me, tells the real story.
@ PsyCookie: I have confronted her many times about what Jacob has that I don't. Perfect example, We were texting, having the "why can't we be together" talk, and she said something like "I love you, you are incredible", and I responded, "If I'm incredible, what does that make him?" Well, that made her cry, so I didn't go on. And, she knew Jacob before, I mean, not knew, but we had the same general group of friends before they started dating (I was in a band with the guy for a year) and he didn't like her, she didn't talk to him, and then one day...
I've told her about him. But, I'm not gonna talk shiz about a guy, to get his girlfriend, ya know? Now, on the slapping of reality on her Bi*^& A$%, its a little more complicated, the heart is a tricky thing, I don;t know for a fact that this guy didn't do something to make her fall in love with him. I've "liked" two people at once, I personally don't think Love works like that, but I don't know, I think she is scared, I mean, she's not unhappy with him, and I think if she messes that up and isn't happy anymore... And as for the one time we cheated, it was a 3 second kiss, and she cried for 15 minutes... trust me she feels pretty bad. It's not gonna happen again, lets say that. Thank you for your reply though, I hope to keep hearing from you and getting your feedback.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2008): I think you're a little too crsuhed on this girl and it's distorting your view. I think you're making this situation a lot more complicated than it really is. Let's get one things straight: The pussy tells the tale about who's really #1 with her. I'm sorry to be crude but that's the truth. If she could have both of you and she's choosing the other guy, then you're second best pure and simple. Nevermind who she's emotionally closer to, who she tells more secrets to, who she has more of a history with. Lots of cute teenage girls spend half their waking hours with some crushed male "friend" but still keep the sex reserved only for some other BF that will barely give her the time of day. The bottom line is that she chose NO relationship with you, but YES relationship with him. She chose to make you work and wait for sex, but then gave it to him right off for nothing. The message here is crystal clear and it speaks a lot louder than words. Not ever her own words can override her actions.The only unusual thing in any of this is that you and her have had sex at all. But in light of the rest of the situation I don't think it carries too much weight. I think it sounds less like a case of her seriously questioning between the two of you, and more like just some plain old infidelity on her part. You may be a play-toy but he's still #1 with her. Sounds like he always has been.
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A
female
reader, PsyCookie +, writes (10 September 2008):
 Just to tell you, I believe you completely... I believe you really love her.
Well, you gotta comfront her about this other guy. Ask her "what does Jacob have that I don't?" "Why do you prefer him over me?"
Have you told her what kind of a person this Jacob character really is? Oh, before it, get some evidense for her. She may actually be blind what this guy really is like and you have to be the one who opens her eyes.
I don't know, you love her but... you have to slap some reality on her. Tell her that it's completely unfair and selfish for her to say that she loves you and is happy for you when she can't give up her physical relationship with the other guy. Tell her that what she's doing with you is called "cheating and that doing that for the other guy is unfair for him.
I have alway believed that you cannot be in love with two people, not ever. Two people may be in love with you, though. So tell her that, that it's imposible to be in love with two people and she must like someone more than the other. So ask her, who does she truelly love? This tool guy or you? Make her choose one of you!
If she chooses him, grimmly tell her that she has just made a mistake. Tell her that you'll always love her but you can't stand what she's doing to you. Don't talk to her for a while (I know it sounds hard to do, but you gotta do it). If she really loves you... she'll come back. She'll ask for forgiveness and to be back in your life. Sometimes, we don't appreciate things we have until they're gone. The time off from you will make her realize how much she really misses you and loves you, so she'll just want you only.
If she chooses you, then congratulations!
Please, keep an update. I (we) would like to see how things went for you.
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