A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating a girl from a little over a month now. We connected extremely fast at the beginning and things were great for several weeks. As I got to know her, however, I found out things that I'm not sure if I can deal with on a long term basis. She doesn't want kids (ever!), and she HATES religion/God (pure atheist). I have attempted to address these things with her but it causes her to get angry and defensive of her opinion, which is fine, but I've always wanted kids, and the God hatred thing seems a bit..much. Also, she is from England and I am from the states; I knew that there was a chance that this could lead to living in a different country but I feel like she's trying to pull me away from my family. I really adore her besides these things, she is sweet and genuinely seems to care about me, so I don't know what to do. Are these issues something that I can/should just get over or is it something that will end up coming back to haunt me in the future?
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2010): As a dating and relationship consultant I can tell you these issues are deal-breakers. Yes of course someone can change their mind about having children, but if they are already so defensive and getting angry at a thought of compromise or even talking about the subjects it may be something that would cause rifts later on.
The five basis requirements needed to increase the chances of a long-term relationship lasting, is:
Similar family and social background, educational level, core values on life ( religion, children, politics ) would come into this, and finally the same relationship goal.
If a couple demonstrate similarities in these areas, the chances of longevity increases dramatically over those that don't share similar values and goals.
And the initial electricity/chemistry/connection factor that one experiences, is not a factor in demonstrating what you will have in common in weeks or months to come, as proven already with your girlfriend. But early days, and I'm sure you will know or sense if the differences are too great!
Good luck!
Jilly
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2010): I got over those things in a past relationship. I hate the idea of adults having imaginary friends too, just like your girl does. I'm not an atheist though, I just don't care.
I dated a devout catholic for a while, one that went to mass on sundays and one that went to confession a lot in order to get into heaven. We came to an agreement that we just wouldn't discuss religious matters in terms of debates. We discussed them in the sense that we both have different views and that if she wanted spiritual guidance I wasn't the man to turn to. I could only give her secular guidance. Although I am very well studied in religion so I could point out topics for her consideration but I would never question her faith and beliefs. Her side of that deal is that she would never insult my intelligence by saying God bles you, or jesus loves you or any of that kind of thing. She kept the religious iconography to a minimum and her bible on her side of the room.
Neither of us ever tried to impose our beliefs on the other, early on we had a few disagreements about it, because while she is religious she doesn't have "blind faith" she too questions the nature of the teachings in the bible but not from such a critical stand point as me. The things I used to say could actually be hurtful to her because they were logical and she found it very hard to console herself with her faith because as I said she's not "blind". I didn't want to upset her, ever. So I became less militant in my opinions and kept my thoughts to myself and just listened when she spoke of her faith.
Religion can be issue that's hard to overcome, it takes effort and compromise by both of you. If we were in a group of friends that were discussing the issue, I'd actually back her up, not because she was right, but because it was right to protect her and show support for her views. I accepted her faith as part of the deal, she accepted mine.
I actually find more often than not it is the people with the religion that find these issues too hard to overcome, they see a person without faith as a deal breaker. I mean how can anyone live a life not knowing the telepathic love of an all powerful ghost that hates women and sees them as vile doomers of mankind, created only as servants of men and to bare their children and that orders his followers to rape, murder and commit genocide on a regular basis in his name? Oh that's right, you're supposed to ignore those parts.
As for the kids thing, when do you actually plan on having kids? Maybe she doesn't see kids in her future because she doesn't see herself settling in the future, that can change and most often does.
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A
male
reader, darkside726 +, writes (24 November 2010):
i would just give it time for the relationship to prgress. I have been with my girl for two years and when i met her i was a hardcore athiest and i hated kids. Well as time progressed i fell so in love with this girl i changed my mind on kids and now we have a one year old son who i adore. And as for the religion thing, she didnt push her views on me but i saw how happy she was when she talked about god so i gave religion a try. Now im a firm believer in god. You just have to give it time my friend and eventually love will take over and change you both.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (24 November 2010):
 Her opinions on children may change later on in life so I would not worry about that. As for her opinions on religion, is she quite strict in her opinions or does she actually consider other views at the very least? If she considers it, there is no problem, if she respects other views, that is fine because that is all one can ask for unless she actively ventures out to defile or mock these beliefs.
I highly doubt her views on religion would haunt you in the future, I noticed that it may not truly affect your relationship even now otherwise you would not have described her as sweet and caring because an religiously intolerant person is neither of those things. Am I right or wrong?
Your nationality should affect this relationship the least, it is easily dealt with if distance or cultural ritual ever makes itself abundantly present.
People change and beliefs are ever fluctuating if one is willing and understanding. There is not reason why you should fear the future with this girl, especially since you have only been dating her for a little over a month. I think you will find that people are fickle creatures at heart, sometimes more so than they allow others to see.
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, sappygirl +, writes (24 November 2010):
 these are dealbreakers. Huge dealbreakers. So unless you can honestly live with these and change your mind. (Which I think you shouldn't because Kids are the most wonderful thing and God is Love) then I say move on and let her find someone who believes in the same thing she does.
I think you are just curious and fascinated with this girl and she's a lot of fun to be with. But if you are thinking marraige, I say move on now to save everyone time and heartache.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (24 November 2010):
 I think there are things that can become deal breakers in a relationship. Religion and children are among them. If something is important to a person, being denied it can cause major resentment and bitterness. Sometimes love can overcome this disappointment but many times it simply cannot. If having children is important to you I'd think long and hard about pursuing this relationship, sure she may change her mind but if she doesn't you are screwed.
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