A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am 25, she is 30. We got together when I was 22. Our relationship has come to the point where she is ready for engagement, marriage and kids (completely understandable). I love her with all of my heart. She is the one I want to be with for the rest of my life but I do not know if I am ready for that yet. A part of me wants to be single and enjoy my 20s, but another part of me knows I will be hurting her badly if I were to leave and puts her in a very tough situation being single at 30 with no kids (she wants kids). She has treated me like royalty and I do not know if I will find another girl that will treat me how she does. I do not know if I can live without her, we have lived together for 2.5 years, but thoughts of being single and eventually finding a girl my age or younger do consistently cross my mind.Thoughts?Thanks! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2013): You're just with her out of fear of being alone and fear of feeling like crap for hurting her feelingsBreak up with her. Don't patronize her any longer. She does not need your pity. She is a big girl she will do just fine without you. she deserves to find a new man who will be on the same page as her and wants to marry her for real not just out of risk aversion and a misplaced sense of chivalry. Her biological clock is her problem not yours. Who are you to decide she doesn't have enough time to meet a new man and start a family? Most of my friends didn't have kids til their mid to late 30s and some older. How about this. Be totally honest with her like you have here. Give her all the information so she can make decisions for her own life too. Tell her you don't really want to marry her but you're afraid you won't find anyone who will treat you this well and you feel guilty that she wont have time to find a new man before her biological clock runs out so you are offering to marry her. If she says "ok that works for me" then you both can get what you want honestly - her to have marriage and kids and you to not feel guilty for her reproductive state. And no one is misleading anyone. But somehow I don't think if you told the truth she will be happy. A relationship that cannot withstand the truth is not a healthy one and shouldn't be continued.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 February 2013):
 Her being younger may or may not make a difference... if she was your age she still might be ready to settle down with you.
I married my first husband at 21. He was 23... we had two sons and a very amicable divorce....
ready to settle down is relative... and if you are with the right person age does not matter.... you can't blame this on her age....
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (21 February 2013):
Please, only settle down when you are completely ready. Im getting married for the first time this year, and Im 44. I cannot tell you how happy I am that I didnt cave to pressures earlier in my life when I wasnt ready.
This is one thing in your life you need to be selfish about. Get married when, and only when, you are ready. To do otherwise is doing a disservice to both you and your partner.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2013): Thank you all for the replies. I am not looking to replace her nor do I want to, I just wish she was younger. When I mentioned younger women I simply just mean I would have more time before I need to think about marriage and kids. I am not looking for other options, but yes, the thought of being single has crossed my mind. This is a very very tough situation for me, thank you for the help, anymore replies will be greatly appreciated.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 February 2013):
if you are not ready to settle down then she is not the love of your life.
if you worry you are missing something,then you will always wonder and will always be looking for what you think you are missing.
if she's ready to settle down and you are not, then there is really only one thing to do... let her know you are not ready and let her make her choice.
she may choose to leave you and you will have to accept that.
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (20 February 2013):
 Cindycares nails it. Ill mirror her thoughts.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 February 2013):
 Simple : you don't "truly" love her. Truly as in : she is the one, I think of being with her for the rest of my life as a privilege and not as a sacrifice.
You like her a lot, you appreciate her a lot, you lust after her, you are grateful to her... but, if you truly loved her, the thought of trading her in for a younger woman ( or another woman of any age ) would hold no appeal for you.
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (20 February 2013):
 OK, do you see that this statement "I love her with all of my heart. She is the one I want to be with for the rest of my life" doesn't logically match what you're saying here:"I do not know if I am ready for that yet.""A part of me wants to be single and enjoy my 20s""I will be hurting her badly if I were to leave""thoughts of being single and eventually finding a girl my age or younger do consistently cross my mind."If you really loved her and she was the one you wanted to spend the rest of your life with her, these kinds of thoughts would not be circling your brain. What I think is this: you know she treats you like royalty and that she loves you to pieces. You have all the love and support you could want and damn it feels good. Naturally you don't want to part with something that is familiar and something you're tremendously benefiting from. At the same time, if something better were to come along, you'd ditch her because you're already looking for other options. You were very young and inexperienced when you two got together. It's perfectly normal to want to experience life, try new things and to not be bound by marriage to someone. Do yourself and especially her a favor and break it off because right now you're essentially using her. You cannot give her the full commitment that she wants and you're depriving yourself from experiencing life and finding out what you really want in a partner. Basically, this is a lose-lose situation for the both of you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2013): Thank you very much for the reply, I would love more feedback on the situation.
I agree, at 30 she will still have time but at the same time I truly love her and this is an extremely tough situation. Letting her go would not be easy at all and at this point I do not know if it is the right thing to do.
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A
female
reader, lmao1989  +, writes (20 February 2013):
 I don't think it's fair you're keeping her this long if you've been having these thoughts then you are wasting her time from finding someone to marry and have kids. You maybe having these thoughts thinking what if? but you will probably because it's a scary thought thinking if you are married that's a massive commitment and also children which is even bigger and if you fall into this commitment then it'll be harder to come out of because you'll feel immense guilt and feel obliged to stay.This isn't always the right way, if you genuinely have these thoughts about finding someone younger or your age i think you need to talk to her NOW and let her know these thoughts tell her you don't feel ready and stuff because otherwise you're going to be making her wait longer by keeping onto her when you're not sure if this is really what you want from life.Hope this helps
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