A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I was dating someone a couple years ago that I cared very deeply for. We were having a great time together. During the time we were together she was sexually assaulted by someone she knew. She didn't go to the police or tell anyone for months. She finally told me what had happened to her because our sex life became non existant. She could not get aroused anymore. We had a few really bad fights. It seemed like every time I wanted to have sex with her she would pick a fight as an excuse not to have sex with me. Finally I told her that she needed to see a counselor or I was leaving. I wished I hadn't taken that approach because she left me. She just came back into my life and she told me that she finally did seek counseling. Then she told me something I just can't understand. She said there is something I need to tell you and then she told me that after we broke up she started having one night stands with guys she picked up at clubs. She said that she was desperate to get her arousal back and feel like a woman again that she sank to new lows. She said she finally snapped out of it and got counseling. My problem is that I still love her. I have thought of her every single day of every waking moment since she walked out my door. I haven't dated anyone. I just wasn't ready. Now she wants to get back together. I'm having trouble dealing with how many men she has been with since we broke up. I have only been with her sexually although I have dated before I met her. I feel like I almost had her out of my system and now I can't quit thinking about her. I am confused. She had to have sex with a random guy she met at a club to get her arousal back but couldn't with the man who loves her. Should I let her go? How do I deal with my feelings of inadaquacy? Can I trust her? When I asked her how many men were there she told me that I didn't want to know. She finally told me over 50.
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female
reader, Tt-7 +, writes (17 April 2010):
 First of all if I were you I would tell her to get checked.. Jus incase she might have something so you don't catch anyhting.. From there firgure out if you want to stay with her or not.
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (15 April 2010):
 31 answers and no reply back from the original poster. Yet I do have one thing to add. I was thinking about it as I wrote the first answer. But, I didn't want to go to the negative side.
Now after reading all the answers that say leave, and I really don't disagree with your reasoning, I just have more hope, I think I need to include a bit more advice.
Should you decide to move on either yourself, or between the two of you, everything I said about you being a victim is still true. Even if you are not trying to salvage a relationship with her, you have still been emotionally injured. You will need professional help to heal from that. Your post clearly shows the signs. Get into a counselor, this is more than you can handle alone.
FA
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2010): I just wanna make myself a little clearer, I have experienced this exact situation with an ex, who was brutally gang raped a long time before I met her but the scars hadn't healed (they never really do) by the time we got together.
She always turned to men for comfort in some way after that and has a long record of broken and abusive relationships, I was one of the broken ones, because she had never fully come to terms with what happened to her independently, she always found an outside source to provide her peace of mind and emotional comfort this source was the company of men.
I was with her for over a year and it was one of the worst years of my life as I constantly had to battle the negative effects of what happened to her, the insecurity, the self loathing, the self harm, the self destruction, picking up the pieces after she had destroyed another friendship, the severe depressive episodes, the fact that as a man I too was to blame for what happened, the alcoholism, the cheating, the emotional blackmail, insecurity so severe that she wouldn't leave the house for days.
I stayed with her through all that because I felt dutybound to help her and of course I loved her but I only realized afterwards by being there for her I was actually enabling this behaviour in her by providing an outlet for her frustrations. She didn't do anything bad to me in the sense that I don't blame her in any way for how our relationship developed or the torment I suffered throughout, she just wasn't ready for a healthy relationship and I thought I could be the one that could change that.
The truth is though that she needed to learn to become an independent person again, she'd lost that after what had happened. She needed to find happiness within herself before she could commit to a healthy relationship and after a few years of counselling and staying single (we stayed friends throughout) she has learned how to live without needing constant male comfort and company. Now she's engaged to a lovely man and has an equal and stable partnership with this man.
I'm not saying that your relationship will develop in the same way mine did, I'm saying you have to consider yourself first and foremost, you can't take away what happened to her only she can heal those wounds. If she hasn't sufficiently dealt with that then commiting to a relationship with her could be a very bad idea. Give it more time and see how things develop the only way my ex new she was ready to date again was when she no longer felt any need to.
That's why I think you stay away from a relationship with her for now it takes a lot longer to permanently recover from this kind of mental state than the time that has already passed. It's very likely the counselling has provided an outlet for her and made her happy again but this may only be a superficial type of happiness.
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (15 April 2010):
 And Ms Trying.. I'm laughing because you have survived, your fighting back and doing all you can to turn your life around as well as helping other people on here.. In my book that deserves a pile of applause... What dosen't kill you, only makes you stronger, survive and thrive, that's my motto.. :)
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (15 April 2010):
Damn.. now I'm all sad again... sad for all you women and men who have suffered such pain...
Thanks ms trying... lol.... speaking out and telling the world that you've been hurt too is one of the best things you could do... you help so many people when you are brave enough to stand up and be counted...
But if you can't, damn... do whatever works, whatever helps you heal... I'm so glad you had the courage to share your story with your boyfriend, and with us on here.. :)
Blessings..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2010): Miamine: the post you suggested on here touched me. I was younger than that girl when I was raped, yet the memory of it still brings tears. I felt all the same emotions of self hatred and guilt, yet I never outwardly did anything to release my internal anger. These women were brave to do something. Yes sleeping with a lot of men is not the best way to deal, but looking back I wish i had done SOMETHING. Last year I told my boyfriend that I had been raped. I kept this bottled up for 8 years! I have accepted that this is a part of me now, and that I was never the same person again. I hope that the OP realizes that the victims of rape suffer so deeply; deeper than he can comprehend. I spent 8 years quietly blaming myself. What kind of internal torture do you think that is? His girlfriend had the courage to report what happened to her, and the confidence to try to fix their relationship. He should be thankful for such a strong woman. If he isn't than he is a fool, and she will find the type of strong man she deserves.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2010): oh wow...you have gotten some great answers here. i cant say i totally feel your pain but i do hurt for you both. i dont think i've ever seen an answer any better than the one from Yos. also the ones from FA, @leastimtrying, carrot, q and miamine stated things that i find very insightful and agree with. however the other aunts...each and every one have given you something to really stop and think about. please update us and let us know what happens. and i will say i hope you can be that man who she grows old with. mal
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (15 April 2010):
Here's an old post that I want you to read.. it broke my heart at the time.... this is what she felt, and why she wanted to destroy herself (by being used by tons of men), because rape victims always blame themselves..
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/please-help-me---ive-been-raped.html
Best not to comment on this post, hopefully this young girl has moved on and is happy and trusting once again.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (15 April 2010):
I'm in with fatherly advice..... rape victims turn their anger and their hate inwards, they aren't having fun with tons of guys, they are either punishing themselves or trying to punish men...
She didn't cheat on you, she loved you too much to do that.. she pushed you away, she tried to keep you safe, so she could fight the memories of being forced, all by her self...
So, what now... she's done what she needed to do, she's hurt herself enough, the anger and pain has been worked through. Now she's seeing doctors and doing things the right way..
If you love her and you think you can help, then stay.. if not, then don't cause any more pain, just break it off with her..
Nobody knows what rape is like, unless they have suffered it themselves.. it's not just about sex, it destroys like a cancer from the inside... pity, people just shout, "damaged woman, move on, find one with less problems"... hope they never find themselves in a similar situation... rape happens to both men and women, and lucky for a lot of them, there are millions of kind people who are willing to give them a hug, a kiss and show them how to love and trust again...
But if you can't do it, then don't worry, look out for yourself, that's all you can do, she'll be fine in the end.
"How do I deal with my feelings of inadequacy? Can I trust her?" -- By knowing your not forcing her, your not using her and she's not using you.... with you it's not sex, it's love, and that's why she didn't stay around to hurt you..
Trust her!!!!! Sigh... What happens when a dog gets kicked, he goes around a bites... When he gets a owner who can treat him nice and get him to trust again, he's the most faithful loving dog in the world.
It's not about sex... it's about anger, hurt, pain and revenge... I think she's got it out of her system now, that's why she thinks she's finally good enough to be with you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2010): honestly, i think if you love her give her a chance, people have that right to change, first try going to couples therapy and then start slow. don't try to rush anything take your time. let her show you she has change for the better. before making up your mind, make sure it's true love what you. and if you do get back with here you need to forget about the pass and start over. good luck and i hope you post a followup to see what you do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2010): Stay away. She's in a very bad place at the moment and will only drag you down with her. She has problems only she can solve now and she's turning to sleeping with random men to try and solve those problems.
If you don't mind going through a long torturous relationship with her then go ahead, but she's nowhere near ready to be an equal partner in a healthy relationship just yet, you know this full well but your heart is trying to convince your brain that it's worth the risk, well only you can decide whether it is. She's in self destruct mode at the moment and until she can break that cycle and become independent of her past then I don't she's ready.
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female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (14 April 2010):
 hpoco, I was speaking of the posts that speak of his ex as if she were damaged goods that need need to be set out on the curb. I agree that if he can't move on, he should let her go and live without his judgment.
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female
reader, hpoco  +, writes (14 April 2010):
 I want to say to carrot2000, I spoke from personal experience. I had an ex who expected me to beg for forgiveness for being with others while we were broken up. It was so hurtful, and there was nothing I could do convince him he was wrong.
This guy has admitted to having a problem with her expression of pain, so can't you see how its better if he leaves her alone? His "help" will eventually end up hurting her, since he feels she has wronged him. She might be better off with his abandonment rather than living with his judgment.
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A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (14 April 2010):
I can't believe the number of people telling you to move on! She's done nothing that requires your forgiveness. It's not as if she cheated on you--you forced her out, remember? You abandoned her once when she needed you most; are you going to do it again? Are you going to punish her for being a victim or are you going to make an effort to understand her pain? You ask if you can trust her; can she trust you to stand by her or are you going to run for the hills when things get tough?
While you were not responsible for the assault, you must take responsibility for the way you dealt with it.
My advice: Take the words of Yos,FatherlyAdvice, and @leastimtrying to heart. Put your insecurities aside and think about how you can help the woman you claim to love recover from her assault.
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A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (14 April 2010):
 I think you have no right to be angry or upset because she did not cheat, you turn your back on her when she most needed you. What she did when you guys were on a break does not concern you get over it. If you are too MACHO to handle a strong female that has surpassed the devastation of rape and all the aftermath that accompany it, than move on Because she is obviously to much of women for you.
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A
female
reader, hpoco +, writes (14 April 2010):
She slept with a lot of men while she was SINGLE and hurting. She wasn't cheating on them, nor did she cheat on you, you have no reason not to trust her. If any part of you judges her and thinks she is a slut, even slightly, then move on. Let her go. It won't do either of you any good to try and be together, this issue will continually come up. She can't do anything to fix your opinion of her. Either you understand, or you expect her to "make it up to you" and beg for your forgiveness. And it sounds like you don't understand, so being with her is probably a bad idea, for both of you.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (14 April 2010):
 Oh wow. This is a tough one. People who have been abused sexually often go around the block afterwards, I must tell you that. Just so you are aware that what she did was a result of what happened to her, and her not getting counceling. I am glad for her that she finally went and got counceling. It must have been an aweful time in her life for her. But at the same time as I am sure you understand this, there's the other side of the coin: you can not just jump back into a relationship with her now due to all the new circumstances. She is not entirely the same person as she was when you broke up. You have to think first, do you really want to be with her at all? Do you still have feelings for her? I know that if I broke up with someone, and they slept with someone (no matter how many) I would have a hard time taking them back. I think I'd need some years to get completely over them first, or else I'd never get the tought of them having sex with someone else out of my head. Was it long since the breakup? Do you feel ready to try anew? I think that if you still have feelings for her and wounds that haven't healed, it might be a good idea to stay friends for now. Maybe some time down the road all of this wont matter and you two can fall in love again. But right now theres a lot of history and baggage.
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female
reader, cnith +, writes (14 April 2010):
 I dont understand your girl either. You can't have sex with a man who loves you but you can have sex with random people?Why is it OK to get aroused with them but not you?On the other hand, the other readers/posters might be right. How did you handle the assault? Once you knew...DID you know? You said she didnt tell you, she'd pick a fight with you instead, right?Anyway she made a mistake, she didn't go to counseling.However, what's really bugging you? The 50 guys or that she didnt trust you enough to come to you for help?I think this has more to do with you two as people or as a couple and not much to do with the number of guys. Figure it out. Maybe you BOTH need counseling. That is, if you really want to get back together with her.Suggest couples therapy. Maybe that will help.But other people are also right, you're dealing with a broken person. She may not be completely repaired but she's trying. You can't apply the rules the same way. I still think she went about it wrong, way wrong, but it was all she could do at the time. Accept it was a mistake. It sounds like she regrets it. That's something big. It could be worse. She could have never told you and the you run into a one nighter. Her being honest with you is a good thing. Don't kill her for it or she'll stop being honest. If you hold this against her, you're already done anyway.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2010): you shouldn't care!!!don't push her away, no wonder she feels like she has to get affection elsewhere.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2010): Move on. It's sad, but there is no way to get out of YOUR feelings about her decisions after the assault no matter what she does from now on. She may have been a match for you before this happened but I don't think she is a match for you now. She did not have any control of the assault. But who we are is defined by how we deal with big problems as much as anything else. She dealt with this serious trouble by blocking you out and eventually abusing herself terribly. Not everyone would deal with it in this way and this reveals things about her that have severely hurt the chances of you being happy with her. I'm sure she would be the first to agree that she will never be the same person as before this happened. That is exactly the problem. You were in love with THAT person, not this one she is now. I am not placing blame, I am just being realistic. If you want to hear someone say "You can get over this if you really love her" then I'm sure you can find people to tell you that. But that's unlikely to be the truth IMHO.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2010): I can barely marry the the girl who keep sleeping with any man in the club.Also she was never the one for you. She is not worth whole life to be spent on.you need to move on..you can never mend the relationship to old level once it is broken. Trust is great thing, once broken it can never be built. better it was not to be broken at first instance.forget her. it will be painful but better for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2010): I know what the aftermath of rape/assault feels like. It's not pretty, and unless you have been there you cannot possibly understand where she is coming from. I doubt that she picked them up for the sex. I bet she picked them up to prove to herself that she could. She needed to know that men still see her as a beautiful woman, not as a piece of trash to be used and them thrown away. There are so many psychological scars from sexual assault, that I can't even begin to explain it all. She needed to feel like a sexually empowered person again. Rape/assault takes away all of your control over your own body and sexuality. Do you have any idea what that feels like? She needed to get back control of her sexuality; to know that she could choose sex when/where/how/WHO. She dealt with it in her own way. Who are you or anyone else here to judge her on how she coped? I coped by numbing it with drugs and having NO sexual contact for almost 2 years. I bet that would have been just as detrimental to your relationship as her sleeping around was. Don't forget that you kicked her to the curb in one of the most painful points of her life. You arent perfect here either. Get tested for STD's together. You just to show support and that you forgive her for her indiscretions. Then get over it. If you love her, than you love her, not her past partners. Nothing is about them now, afterall, she came to you for a relationship. She just used them to build her confidence. Those guys mean nothing to her, so they shouldnt matter to you either.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2010): Not only does this poor woman live through a sexual assault, she had to deal with a boyfriend who was not understanding. Perhaps if you had been more supportive and caring after her ordeal, she would not have gone out and slept with all of those men. Your rejection was like being assaulted again; she felt low and you made her feel even lower. She goes out and behaves in a reckless manner, but she does it to feel better about herself.
But somehow, you're the victim in all of this. You have no right to be angry when your lack of concern after her assault set all of this into motion.
Really, she can't win with you. Seems like you have some major issues.
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (14 April 2010):
 Give her a chance but if you cannot look pass this episode let her go. Look at the positive, she came clean and admitted what she did. She could have lied and you would be none the wiser.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2010): I went through a really similar experience. My girlfriend was raped, and for years afterwards she become really sexually promiscuous. The little I was told was really horrific to hear, as I was someone who loved her deeply and could see that "ordinarily" she would have never engaged in such casual one night stand sex.
In my case, I couldn't deal with everything that had happened. It ended very badly (with her leaving me!) and we never spoke again. That was 4 years ago.
I am in a new relationship now, and although I sometimes wish the past could have been different (in that she was never raped, or that I could have handled it) I definiately feel glad I am with someone new, without that horrible history.
My heart goes out to you mate, and I totally understand the pain you are feeling. Hope you can make the right choices for the future.
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (14 April 2010):
 She has too much collateral damage. The only sensible thing is to move on.
It maybe a very painful decision but it may save you 10x or 100x the pain later on.
Unless you are very religious or have God's capacity to love and forgive her, this relationship will never get off the ground.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (14 April 2010):
Your trouble is that you are applying regular rules to an injured person. Kind of like expecting your buddy with a broken leg not to miss a football game with you. Ironically the things she did that hurt you, were done to protect you. She is finally in counseling, you need to be there too. You Don't understand what is going on, and you don't have the tools to deal with it. In order for this to work, you need help. You are also a victim of her sexual assault, as are the men she used.
Here is the good news, You still love her. With that as your motivation you can help her. You need to see her counselor, and probably your own counselor, and you need to learn as much as you can find about this. Your feelings are as real as hers and you need to acknowledge them and work with them. Just remember that your pride is much less important than your love, to your future happiness.
FA
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (14 April 2010):
 She was right: you didn't want to know. What has knowing done for you other than make the situation worse?
What she did isn't that unusual. I know several women whose reaction to sexual assault / abuse is to become very promiscuous. Usually driven by a sense of low sexual self worth and / or anger at men.
You have a decision to make. Do you want to make this work? Do you want to be with her. Understand that you will have to live with what she did. It cannot be undone: you will have to accept it and move past it. It probably won't be easy. The past is permanent.
If you are unwilling or unable to accept this then you should consider not being with her. Judging her for what she did will only damage your relationship over time. If you can't stay with her, then break up with her with love and respect. Do you have the strength and the desire to make this work?
If you choose to stay with her, then you are making the following choices. If you don't accept them, then you are not choosing a positive future:
- You are choosing to not judge her for what she did, but to have empathy, understanding and sympathy for what happened to her. The woman you love was sexually assaulted: the most moral and honourable thing you can do is to offer her unconditional love and support. She did not choose this.
- You are choosing to own your own feelings about this. Yes you'll feel inadequate sometimes, perhaps angry and jealous. When this happens, you will not make it her fault. Those feelings are within you, and are your sole responsibility. How you feel is not her fault. To make it so will destroy your relationship.
- Above all, you are choosing to stop thinking about this. Every time you think about this period of her life, and what she did, you're going to a place you need to leave behind. There is no magic bullet that can be found if you just think about it some more... there's no positive angle on what happened that you might be able to find. If you catch yourself dwelling on it, you need to change the subject in you mind. You are choosing to always be vigilant towards yourself: to never let yourself obsess over this but to make the effort to think about other things. Yes you'll feel bad about it, you can't control that, but what you can control is what you choose to think about.
She sounds like a good woman who has had a terrible thing happen to her, and struggled with the consequences. You ought to feel no shame about sticking with her in this situation: if you can it makes you a better man.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2010): i kinda went though the same thing your gf did. for years i used guys as a means of approval. i finally cleaned my act up, got tested for any sexually transmitted diseases, and now im back to being a 1 guy kinda girl!
just because she went through a period of low self-esteem and was with alot of guys does not make her a bad person nor does it mean she cant be trusted.
good luck!
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A
male
reader, Dekten +, writes (14 April 2010):
This girl is not sane and is in urgent need of *extensive* help.
This caught my attention:
"I have only been with her sexually although I have dated before I met her."
Aha, so you may feel that you can't have the same feeling with another girl. I know that exact same feeling, friend.
Get her out of your system and move on. You WILL find someone who can appreciate YOU and won't put you through misery.
Make no mistake: even though she may seem OK to you know, this girl WILL put you through misery.
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