A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:VERY strange situation, I have asked numerous people for advice and they are all just as baffled as I am. So at my job, there is a girl who has been coming in for about 2 years now. We began talking a little over a year ago, exchanged numbers and whatnot, and have been really cool ever since. HOWEVER. She has had a boyfriend of 3 or 4 years or so. She always texts me, asking if I'm working, we go outside for cigarettes at my job, and sometimes she hangs out and talks to me for hours on end. HOURS. She always talks about her boyfriend, but she texts me on an almost daily basis asking me if I'm working and to come out and smoke a cigarette with her. It almost seems like she's into me, but is also very serious with her boyfriend and I have absolutely no idea how to go about this. She is incredibly beautiful and has a fantastic personality. I have never felt such a connection with any woman in my entire life the way I do with her. I am in love. I am sure of it. And it really hurts. Please help me out here. Thanks.
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exchanged numbers, has a boyfriend, she has a boyfriend, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2011): Her behavior is selfish. That should be a big warning to you.She is not considering your feelings in this and may just be using you to have someone to talk endlessly to about her boyfriend.If you can, and I know this is not easy, I suggest you not be available to her. You do not need to explain.If she breaks it off with her boyfriend, and if she has or develops feelings for you, she will find you.In the meantime, try to keep busy doing things you enjoy, and by all means start dating, even if you do not feel like it. This will help you to see more clearly what is happening with the woman you are infatuated with.
A
female
reader, hannah76  +, writes (4 July 2011):
 Hello,
Just to add to my post....Do not start telling her how you feel. Wrong move mister. That will end in disaster. thanks.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2011): You are infatuated, not in love.
Love requires more.
I agree with the other person, if she complains about the other guy, don't get drawn into that at all, in fact I'd not even ask "why she doesn't leave him", I'd just stay out of that. If he's an ass, she knows it, and she needs to figure that out, stay out of any Knight in Shining Armor roles.
Knights in shining armor get pulled off their horses and hacked to pieces by the peasants who carry axes and knives.
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A
female
reader, hannah76 +, writes (3 July 2011):
I believe you are her friend at work. Try not to confuse things, friends at work, friends outside work. She enjoys your company and has fun with the smoking and texts. That's all I'm afraid. As you said she is very serious with her boyfriend. Let this go and don't continue to develop feelings. Friends only i'm afraid.
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A
male
reader, wiseoldman +, writes (3 July 2011):
Your present behaviour is somewhat masochistic. When I was in my early 20s I worked at a yacht club, and I'm going to be honest here, giving you the same rather ugly advice an older, very sophisticated man gave me when he saw how badly I was floundering with my female co-workers. He told me that if a man is too 'nice' with women, he will always have plenty of female friends, but everyone else be sleeping with them. She already know you like her, but you are going to have to be less available. Tell her you're tired of enabling her relationship, and either to work things out with her boyfriend, or break it off completely and date you because you no longer want to be brotherly. I had a beautiful, platonic girlfriend once, but it was only when, late one evening, I angrily shouted at her to go home and quit talking about other men to me all the time that she immediately offered to stay the night. To this day I am still amazed at the lesson I learned. There is nothing here that a woman will agree with, but are there any man who've had a similar experience?
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (3 July 2011):
 You're in the "friends" zone. You can choose to be her friend, but get a grip of yourself and don't continue to develop feelings for her. This will be difficult because you enjoy her presence, she's cool and she's good looking. But I am afraid that the sad truth is that the feelings are not mutual. You're a friend. She needs someone to talk to, and found a fantastic CONVERSATION partner in you.
If she complains about her boyfriend, ask her why she doesn't leave him. I mean "ask her why she doesn't", not "ask her to leave him". Notice the difference.
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A
male
reader, BJS  +, writes (3 July 2011):
Damn... This is a difficult situation to be in!
I dont understand women - they are emotional creatures and defy all logic!!
There are 2 ways to go about this that I can think of (I am sure there are other ways)
1) Tell her how you feel. Get prepared for her to tell you "she likes you just as a friend" or maybe you will get a positive result, you never know unless you try.
2) Realize that she has a serious boyfriend and that you have feelings for a woman that at the moment, is taken. Distance yourself as you could only get hurt. Dont worry, if you distance yourself you may very well get the result you are seeking - if she is really into you, she will start to show it by looking for you. Im not saying be an asshole and ignore her, just dont be as available.
Point 2 is probably the hardest to execute, but in my limited experience, may give you the result you are looking for without you putting all your cards on the table.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Anonymous711  +, writes (3 July 2011):
Become really close friends then maybe she will realise what she has with you and she doesnt with her boyfriend. Next time she texts you asking to meet you, question her about her boyfriend, ask how they r are they getting on or whatever, if she doesnt really wanna say then somethings up. Tell her you should only be with someone if he makes you happy and blahhh. hope this helped. :)
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