A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:This one is long so I will try and be brief.I am a male, 50 years old. I have been married 21 years. My marriage was wonderful the first two years and then suddenly my wife had terrible brain seizures. She was diagnosed initially with schizophrenia and suffering from catatonic states. The diagnosis was rendered at a time before people knew or understood temporal lobal syndrome or chronic brain disease (for the layman's label).For 12 years I struggled mightily to love my wife and care for her through endless revolving door hospitalizations. The final "hurt" came when her neurologist finally diagnosed her condition, placed her on last line of defense meds, and advised me that within 10 years she would have to be institutionalized. He told me to divorce her as this would create intense grief.I wandered aimlessly until I met a wonderful woman who was likewise married to a man who was, we thought, disabled as well.However she had her reservations about her husband and had already decided to divorce him when their youngest child was old enough. The youngest is a girl.We fell in love almost instantly. Our relationship has always improved itself with age, rather than diminished. We devoted ourselves to each other, sharing our mornings and our free time together every chance we got. We developed our own relationship rythm which included mutual exploration and discovery in hobbies, literature, and sexual relations with each other. My heart was devote to her and I supported her emotionally and she did the same for me. My wife has deteriorated over this time, and this wonderful woman always helped me as I supported my wife and made her comfortable and was never once jealous or demanding. The wonderful woman's husband, however, turned out to be a lazy malingerer who went in and out of all sorts of habits in her marriage to him. This is where two families converge.The husband was a cute, affable man when the wonderful lady met him. But soon 6 months into their marriage, he quit his well-paying job, began indulging in and dealing drugs, gambling and forced her to support him.She tried divorce once, but he threatened suicide and she was pregnant with their first child, and so she stayed with him. In her life, she was the breadwinner of the family. She raised their son and all the while the husband worked odd part-time jobs which gave him access to fast-buck schemes which never panned out.He secreted money that he made from her in bank accounts in his name only and hid the money from her so she would never know. After her first child was born, she was so fed up with him that she left him for another man and took the son with her. Again the husband threatened suicide, this time flashing a gun at her. Reluctantly she returned home and a few years later, he warmed up to her, and she had a daughter. After the daughter was born, the husband neglected this wonderful woman. All efforts at personal and sexual intimacy with him, even desperate pleas went unfulfilled.She began seeing men outside of their marriage. This pathology continued in waves as each time she would feel guilty, run to church, seek forgiveness and then return to her husband.We met over six years ago, this time she was fed up with her husband and was open to love rather than mere sexual gratification. She wanted and in her prayers, prayed for the man of her dreams. Likewise, my loneliness was unbearable at the time I met her. I had prayed for a woman to come into my life who could understand my obligations to my wife, but also would share love with me. I needed someone who could see me, converse with me and could love me. My wife, now paranoid, delusional, hallucinatory and severely debilitated could not give me these basic things without abusing me (which is another part of her condition).As I said, this clicked into a situation where two people, married to others, found themselves deeply in love and chained to circumstances they could only barely control.But through all of the adversity, we seemed to prevail.Two years ago, this lovely woman was put into a situation of extreme duress. Her domestic situation was so difficult as her teenagers were reaching adolescence, her husband was abusing prescription medications, and her demented mother plagued the household. She snapped and told me she could not see me anymore without explanation.Three months later she found me, and both of us were tragically wrecked. Her husband had been feeding her prescription pain-killers, addicting her in the process of trying to make her home life bearable. Her daughter was a horror story of raging hormones, defiance, and rage. Her son was lapsing in school but struggling in his own right. Her husband had become an extreme burden to her, and was eventually hospitalized for psychiatric issues because of his prescription abuse.But after reconnecting, our bond was still super-strong and we continued to love and adore each other, every day and every time making us stronger.Several weeks ago, her daughter discovered our affair. It was an extreme situation and in one moment, in the confluence of a perfect storm, she and I were thrown into a torrential hell in a ways. She decided that she needed to keep her children happy, and try to create a family for them (as if there wasn't one before). Her husband, though not surprised, made the proverbial promises to change as he had done over and over again in the past. And she has had to change her self, once again, to please her family.Her husband does not want her talking to me, but I also know that he has been a manipulator in the past. We have had some communications but she is now being watched by the husband and daughter almost every moment when at home, and the husband makes snap appearances at her work to see if she's using the telephone there. I cannot say if the husband loves her. I think he loves to possess her, since she has been the sole provider. But in this now near month-long journey of anguish and destruction, my heart has been shredded to fine dust.I know that she is suffering too. But she is better at internalizing heartache and agony. I used to be like that too until the first major heartbreak occurred with the news of my wife's institutionalization. But this was far worse.For nearly a month I have been crying every day, non-stop. As a man at work, I have to shut my office door and hide. At home, with a delusional wife on meds, it has been hard on her because she can't recognize exactly what it is that is happening and she has seen my cry in my sleep but can't do much except ask me to tell her where certain things she wants are.My parents have been deceased and I have no other family to go to.I don't know what to do. I do not want to let go of this wonderful woman who has filled my heart and made my life beautiful. In all of the time I have known her, I have sacrificed, relocated, obtained new employment and done everything I could to be there for her emotionally. She has never once asked me for money. But I have built a home for us, and I have done all that I can to wait for her.She wants a divorce but her children won't accept it yet. I have made arrangements for my wife so she will have the means that she needs, and there is a guardianship established for her.I feel trapped in a terrible, dark place. What is there to do at this point? I cannot let go of someone I have grown to love, who has matured with me; who has grown with me as a friend, lover, intimate, confidant and become my heart of hearts. And I know deep down she doesn't want to lose me, but is afraid to say anything lest it be heard?We can't meet in person because she is being watched all the time.This is the worst thing we could have ever imagined.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate 2
Focusing on the daughter, I understand exactly what you're saying. In no way would I have ever asked her to give up her daughter to be with me nor would I have dreamed of doing that.
I think the daughter is simply defending her father, the husband. Throughout our relationship, this wonderful woman in my life always put the children first. And I never expected anything less.
I have no qualms about waiting for her. I can do that, but its agonizing to think that the daughter herself can use love as some sort of cruel weapon against her own mother. This woman has scrimped and saved to make sure the girl has money for college, paid for exotic school trips for the daughter, and spent inordinate amounts of time with the girl. But yet, whenever the girl doesn't get what she wants she abuses her own mother emotionally.
I think she has started to be firmer with the daughter however. And its my impression that the daughter is starting to get the message that her mom is tired of the teenage dramas and the abuses.
The father has spoiled the girl too, and has used the children in the past to manipulate the mother/wife.
Throughout all of her suffering, and the few times she has had to hurt me to be there for her children, I have never left her and remained when others would have run.
If anything good has come of this, perhaps she will be strong enough to confront her daughter in the appropriate circumstances and have the girl start exercising more self-control.
Right now the girl's selfish, self-absorbed and a problem for everyone. I expected this as anyone who's ever gone through the high school jungle will tell you (and that's pretty much all of us), girls at that age can be rebellious, self-centered, selfish and even cruel. Its just a probability that can't be ignored.
My own concern is that I love this woman, and this whole series of events has been extraordinarily painful.
I do hope that the girl realizes what she's made her mom sacrifice to satisfy her own wants; and I pray to God that it will not be too late when that happens.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2009): i won't discuss the other aspects just the one about her daughter.at 16 the daughter is impressionable and rebellious. i can understand why her mother has "chosen" the daughter instead of you. you see she is a good woman, and a better mum. she wants to be there for her kids inspite of her trauma. the sad thing is that he daughter knows this therefore she milks it for what she can. right now she would not choose you because her daughter maybe still considered a minor. as the mtoher she wants to be visible, she wants to mother. she wants to give her daughter a fighting change and lastly she doesn't want the daughter (or anyone else) to say that she abondoned her kids for a man. her sacrifice is admirable but so sad. i am so glad that you have not thrown your wife away in the circumstances. this "disease" that your wife suffers from is beyond her and she never asked for it. in fact it destroyed what was once a good happy marriage. both you and your wife are losers here and it adds to the sadness of the situation. i don't know where or how all this will end for you, but i wish you strength during this time. please understand the mothers role when it comes to her daughter. i hope in time the daughter realises just what her mother gave up for her. i hope by then it is not too late.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate to one of the posters: The son is 20 years old and still living at home. He decided to get a job and move out finally. He's a good forgiving kid and has watched his mom suffer for years. He knew about us and was quietly accepting of it.
Her daughter is 16 years old and is extremely rebellious. She is also, however, a good kid at heart. But the rebellion in the daughter is so intense that she constantly threatens to withhold love from her own mother to get what she wants and always defends her father, no matter how badly he's treated this wonderful woman.
I have told this woman that I love so deeply that I will wait for her, as long as it takes if necessary. We both miss each other and we are both constantly crying. She doesn't want me to wait because she's afraid that by waiting, I would lose out on another love.
But at the same time, she doesn't want to lose me and is trying with all of her might to keep her daughter stable so that sometime soon hopefully her daughter will finally admit she's hurting her mother.
The husband is as I said, possessive. She has always been honest with me and I do know her husband enough to say that when she told me briefly in a very fast phone call that her marriage is still crappy, it told me she wants desperately to leave.
This is so difficult for us. A large part of me is in agony because I know she's suffering and I can't even hold her. And the other part of me is in agony because a hug from her is the most cherished thing I dream of at the moment.
Its just terrible the way things happen in life. We are both hurting but I am at wits end. My job in my working life is to solve problems of all kinds. But this is one that there is no easy solution and still so much excruciating pain.
Despite having been broken down as badly as we are, we still want each other. What else can the powers that be want from a couple of human beings?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2009): before i comment how old is the adughter.
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A
male
reader, Perspicacious  +, writes (14 August 2009):
Having read your post my heart goes out to you. And it pains me to realise that my reply will probably offer you no words of comfort.It seems clear that the woman you love should have left her husband a long time ago, and yet has not. The choice to do so is hers and hers alone, and the fact she has chosen to remain suggests that she may never decide to take that step. There may always be a reason to stay, be that his threats, or the children, or whatever the situation is next time.Maybe she lacks the courage to step out on her own, maybe she is trying her hardest to make the best of a bad situation, or maybe deep down she loves him and believes that things will get better.All of that is outside of your control though. It sounds like you have been there for her, and done all you can.You need to consider what is best for you - and while it is easy to think in terms of "you and her" that is something quite distinct and separate."You and her" is the fairy tale ending - you both leave tragic situations and live happily ever after. But you can't place your happiness and future in the hands of another like that.You need to decide what to do about your own home life and marriage - what is best for you and your wife, and for you as an individual. The arrangements you have put in place are just as valid if you decided it was time to move on by yourself as they are when you decided it was time to move on with "the other woman" if that is what you decide to do.Maybe if you struck out on your own that would give the woman you love the courage to do likewise. At worst, it would give you the time and space to heal and eventually move on and rebuild your life.
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