A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Need some advice. About 10 years ago right after high school I was seeing this guy...we will call him John. Everything was great between us until right after John's high school graduation. See I bought him a present which happened to be a gold ring with his initial on it. Nothing big, nothing expensive. Well I don't know if that scared him away. Because right after that John just kind of disappeared. Didn't really understand what happened. He never said anything. So time went by we didn't talk anymore and we actually never saw each other. So I eventually moved on with my life. That was until about a month ago when my uncle gave me John's number and said John wants you to give him a call. As you can imagine I was a little surprised. So I did call John and we have been talking a few times a week. And John has even come by to visit 3 or 4 times. He told me that he didn't think I would call and if I didn't he completely understood why. So now to the complicated part. He seems really interested in me but what I just found out is he is still living with his son's mother. He won't really share to much as to what's going onme. All he seems to say is "she is there". I don't know what to think. I mean he's always calling me after work and coming by and hanging out. I'am confused because I don't know what to think or even do. I was really into John 10 years ago and was hurt when it all ended. I don't know why he has poped back into my life after so many years if she is still around. I need some advice on how I can confront him or what I should do. Because I'am finding myself falling for him all over again! Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2009): When things are not happy on the home front, people go else-where. Your position is, why are things not happy on the homefront for him? What character and qualities will he offer you or will he be the same with every woman. What issues are making the pair of them argue? You are an individual too, would you really be compatible? Listen to what he says. He will still be emotionally attached to her and you will have to hear about her probably. Until he's moved out and it's 2 years down the track, if he does move out. If benefits for him of you outweigh hers he will come to you. Watch when he talks of her to see if he goes over your boundaries, leaving you out respectfully. Such as feeling shoved aside. Because this is an indication of more of a taker than giver character. He's a man of mystery who never explains what he is up to. It is respectful for a man when parting to phone, arrange a meeting and to chat, to say I'm wishing to break up. It is respectful that before a man has sex with another woman, he moves out of the first womans home. He seems to have some issues
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2009): John knows exactly why he's back in your life and so do you. He's not being too incredibly honest here, is he? It's time for you let go and never look back. He's not looking for friendship..he looking for a warm body to fill his emotional void. Or maybe it's just a physical need..who knows. If he need a friends, he could go and have a beer with one of the boys, couldn't he. Or go to his family for support. Why you and why suddenly..now? He has other ideas in store for you..and in light of your past history together...I think you know this too. You shouldn't allow him to position himself in your life, until he has made a final break from his troubled relationship at home. Until he has completely healed and recovered.
He's now a Father..and a good Father knows that that his child deserves an intact home, and two solid, healthy parents who put that child's well being above all else. They need the time and respect to 'work it out' or end the relationship, in a way..that.the child is not adversely affected. It's not about him and his feelings of loss or loneliness..it's about ALL of them as a family. With you in the picture, he is involving you in his personal drama. He has to focus on his relationship and the..final outcome without going after you.
I know you are trying to make the brave choice and step aside, but you are allowing his 'friendship' and attentions to keep you off track here. As much as it hurts-you need to muster up the strength and try hard to move on and go forward. It's time for him to get his house in order. The only way he can do this, is for you to tell him goodbye. Once you have done that, sit and reflect about yourself and what led you into this situation with such a man whocould even did this, to begin with. You don't need his problems plunked down, in your life. There are a lot of wonderful, single men out there, I suggest you go out there, have a blast and maybe find a nice guy with' no baggage'. This could be the beginning of truely living a good, quality life and finding out 'who' you are. Do what it takes but don't allow John to use you as 'rebound' girl. So now..learn from this and take this negative situation, drop it and get on a more positive life path for yourself. The choice is yours. Take care and good luck in your future.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have asked him why after so many years he has just popped back in my life. And John's response is...What I can't come visit you? After 10 years it's just surprising. I knew about the son and from what I understand he is a great father. As for the gf I just found out a couple days ago that they are still living in the same apt. Conversations with him kind of tell me that they are having serious problems. And you are right he needs to figure out what or who he wants. So yes I back away and I don't call. But just as I do that, he contacts me or comes and visits.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2009): You need to look after yourself in this world. I believe you are in this situation because you are a really understanding person. But at the end of the day, you need to look after yourself first, and you haven't been. You need to be more: what do I need and want. After that you have a great understanding personality for any-one who comes along. You don't need a male who takes off on you. You don't need a male who is in this complicated set of family works. You need a male who is unattached where you go to his place, he to yours and you both have freedom to move and to announce you are together. This is your life. It's how you are creating it. You have feeling now because you went in too far. None of this was ever good enough for you and you should have spotted it a long time ago. Guaranteed, things will not get any better for you and until you learn your own needs and expectations, these scenarios in life will reoccur. A man can not have two woman so I'd say, look, it's time for you to decide right now and if it's me, you can't go on living with her. Then walk away. If he hasn't watched your dating activities or contacted you in 4 to 5 months, he's gone and good riddance
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2009): You have every right to ask him why he's back in your life. especially when he has a child and a gf sitting at home. Really, I am sure you'll agree that he should be giving them his time...not you. Listen, John has a child with his current gf, which means he has a huge responsibility. One that I am guessing, will be hard for him to just up and walk away from. But I'm thinking that maybe he's grown complacent and bored with her. Or they are having some serious relationship problems.
Whatever it is, it seems he's emotionally lonely or he wants a change which often is temporary, especially if he has some sense of committment to his child and the Mother. So because he wants this change, he's contacted you. So I need to ask, why are you allowing this if he's not exiting out of the other relationship, to be with you, completely? To me that is pretty telling. He's got 2 females on the hook and if you have a lot of self-worth, it might be smart to insist that all contact stops, immediately.
I just hate to see you become the woman he has on the backburner, simply because he's having issues at home. And hun, don't allow this to go far, he needs to get his own house in order before approaching you. Send him home to his gf and his child. The child deserves to have Dad at home, loving Mom...back away and let them work out their family problems. Think rationally, girl and use your head..because he's certainly not thinking maturely and acting like a quality, commendable man and father here.
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