A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been in a relationship with a very sweet woman for almost 2 years now. It's the same old cliche: I love her but I'm not "in love" with her. I care for her very much, but i've never felt "in love" with her or felt any deep passion for this relationship. Of course i think if i'm not "in love" with someone i should breakup and move on. However, she's a great person. She's caring, giving, generous, loving, and we get along very well. A couple of weeks ago i ran into an old love. We chatted just 30 seconds, but in that short time i felt passion for the first time in a long time. Just thinking about her again made me feel like being a better man and i felt excited for the first time in a long time. Don't get me wrong, i have no plans to pursue this other woman, i wouldn't do that. But its the emotions i felt that make me wonder if i'm doing the right thing by being in this relationship. Should i end it and hope to find someone that stirs up passion and makes me want to be a better man? Or should i accept that the woman i'm dating, is a great person and be happy for what i have? Any thoughts?thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi rhythmandblues2,
Thanks for your reply. I agree 100% that love is not a feeling. I've written the same thing to people many times on this site. However, i think you missed the point in my post... I stated that I NEVER felt in love or had any passion for this relationship, so its really not a matter of ebbs and flows. The flows have always been the same from day 1 and thats part of the problem.
The fact that i met an old love a couple weeks ago wasn't that i falling in love with her, i never said that... its just that i thought those kinds of feelings were dead in me... that i was so rational and mature now that my heart didn't get stirred by others anymore. What i realized is that those feelings are a part of me, its just that this relationship has never stired anything in me, and i think i might like to find something that does.
Yes, love is about decision and committment but thats not where i'm at right now. I'm not married... i'm free to move on if i choose. I love that my current relationship is stable and she's a great person.... but i don't really feel that much for this relationship... and i just want to feel something again.
Although,i think you might have missed my point a little, your advise is great nonetheless.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2007): The reason there are so many divorces in the world is that many people think love is just a feeling, it isn't....in fact real love is a decision. It is a decision to love and put the person you are in relationship with first, to put their needs most of the time above your own....it is knowing them inside and out and appreciating all of them, their past, their present and their future with you.
The passion you are refering too, ebbs and flows in a real relationship, you two are just in a period of stability and security, which is where you want to be the majority of the time, this relationship is your safe haven, your soft place to fall in the world.
Bumping into the other woman, was just a rush of adrenaline and nerves at seeing someone you hadn't thought of in awhile but find attractive, it is not about love, love does not occur in an instant, attraction and infatuation do....
Sexual chemistry is important in a relationship, perhaps you are referring to the lack of that in your current relationship? I kind of doubt this is the case or most likely you would not be with her.... but if it is that, that also can be developed with time and communication, and great sex....so don't leave that part of your relationship untended.
First and foremost, you and your current partner should be friends, if she defines friend to you, then you are in love with her and maybe don't understand this about yourself.
I recommend a book, The Road Less Traveled, by Scott M Peck, although this book holds out an ideal of love that few couples or people reach, it is the most accurate portrayal of what a loving relationship between a man and a woman is, and defines love like no other book I have ever read....try it, it just may change your life forever, it did mine.
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A
female
reader, DIE-romantic.  +, writes (27 July 2007):
 There's a huge difference between loving someone and being in love with someone i agree, if you are not happy in this relationship then there isnt much point, but i can see how hard it is, because shes a lovely woman, so i would break it to her as gently as possible, but the truth, and giving her a chance to find somebody who will love her and then you can maybe try again with this old love? In the end it will all work out for the best.Good luck love xxxx
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (27 July 2007):
 Did you ever try to work on the relationship you have. If you love her there is hope. If she has value to you as a person then there is hope for the relationship. You did feel the spark when you bumped into the other lady. That tells me it still lives in you. Can you current girlfriend do anything to make it work between you two?
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A
female
reader, lovesickpup +, writes (27 July 2007):
 hi there,
speaking from a womans point of view there is no easy way to break up with a female i am in the same situation but mines is abit more complicated all i can say is if your relationship is trully not fixable then you need to sit down and tell her the truth there is no other way. expect the tears and the 'y dont you love me' 'what have i done wrong' fraises but in the long run its better to tell the truth than live a lie she will soon move on as will you.
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