A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Is there any advise out there on how to breakup with someone?I know that i should break up with a person i've been dating for quite sometime, but i still really care for her and the idea of hurting her pains me. Of course i'm sure we'll both be hurt by the experience, but is there anything i can do to make it easier on her without sending mixed messages?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Anonymous,
It certainly would make my life easier if you were the person I'm dating.... the situations sound almost exactly the same.
In response to your question, i'm sorry to say that... YES, i do think he wants to break up. Its not to say that there is no hope, but that's what it sounds like to me.
I actually get along very well with my girlfriend, but i am distant and somewhat detached... more like friends rather than lovers. I've tried for a very long time to find some passion for this relationship, but i haven't been able to.
I don't mean to put you in the same boat as my girlfriend, but although we get along well, i know she's not getting her emotional needs met and i'm suprised that she will still continue to sacrafice her emotional needs and to some degree her hopes for the future, just to stick it out with me. I'm honered and lucky to have someone who is willing to put up with my being a pain in the ass, but i also don't like that she puts my interests before her own... that she will clearly bend over backwards for me, but yet not stand up for the things she wants. If she did stand up for her wants more often, it just might bring some life into our relationship. So you ask if there is a ray of hope? Yes, i think the answer is for you to breakup with him. Yes, that might be what he's hoping for and you may be giving him a break... but in the end i think he will respect you alot for taking your life back and letting him know that you expect certain things from a lover, and if he can't give it to you than you'll find someone who can. If you do that, there is at least a chance that he'll come chasing after you again.
Anyway, i'm very sorry to hear that your going thru this... it can't be easy from either side. Good luck to you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2007): Hiit s like reading a posting by my current date. I know he cares for me. I also believe he wants to break up. He does not say it. When we have hard talks about the situation and I ask him if he wants to break up, he does not say. He usually replies with sthing like 'I do not give up but we have issues and need to face it' or 'we need to talk' (but we never do, him postponing the big talk). I believe that we have not tried hard enough and told him so. Often when we reach breaking up point, he says he feels he owes to give me my own way (though never giving me time really to put these words in actions). In the course of the same night, he can tell me that he is not emotionnally connected to this realtionship and then that his emotions are not dead, just distant. This is very mixed messages to me. I dont know what to think. I would appreciate your advice as a male on the situation. What I can say for you is that make up your mind and then just tell her. It s very tough when the break up last over weeks. I think everybody can take the truth no matter how painful. Now I realize retroactively that I respect one past BF who told me immediately when he decided to break up. That was honest and a way of caring! I don t know however if I share a previous advice not to call her at all afterwards, I think it helps to see that the ex still cares by checking you in (while still making clear that you r not coming back on your decision... for instance by refusing to meet if she suggests it, or saying clearly you call to be sure that she is ok despite your decision. you can always ask her whether it bothers her if you check her once in a while. indifference/silence is the worst for me. that s my personal call). Thanks for trying to help me in return. do you think he wants to break up or can I keep some hope? Good luck to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the wonderful advice. I'm convinced the way to provide the most integrity to this process is thru total honesty. Thanks for that lesson.
Pinkpeone: That is another topic all together. But i think we can agree that caring for somone is only one aspect of a relationship. Many of those other relationship dynamics just aren't working out for me.
What is sad for me though is that she has said flatly that if we ever were to breakup there is no way we'd ever be friends after that. I've always been able to maintain very good relationships with people afer a relationship ends... so i suppose this is why i find this one more difficult... The idea of her being totally absent from my life in the future is makes the decision to break up that much more difficult.
thanks again for the great responses
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A
female
reader, Oblivia  +, writes (27 July 2007):
 Hi,
I’m newly dumped by a guy who I think could have asked himself the exact same question like yours before breaking up with me. This is my advice on how I would have wanted to be treated.
Whatever reason you have for not wanting to be with her anymore, tell her the honest truth. She will be hurt anyhow, but if she can make sense out of it you will hurt her less. Giving her the truth is the best way to do this, even if the harsh truth is that you don't love her enough to go on. Honesty will give her something to relate to. Don't tell her some lie about not being ready, or hide behind things that might have happened in the past if the truth is something else. If she is in love with you, then there is a good chance she will turn every word you give her in and out and she will know if you are not being honest with her and that will be hurtful to her.
And when you have done this, which probably will be very hard for you as well, then let her know you will be around if she needs to talk to you about this, but don't take any contact yourself to just check how she is, leave that to her friends, or you will really send her mixed messages and false hopes. If she is lucky she has a great portion of self esteem, but if she doesn't, she will grasp for every little hope you may give her. Don’t do that to her. After some time, hopefully you will be able to create a new relationship as friends, if that is what you will want then.
Only you know your girl, but I hope any of this can be of any help.
Wish you luck.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (27 July 2007):
 Hopefully there is nobody else on th side lines. If there is, you can't break up tactfully because the truth will eventually come out.
If that is not the case, be honest (tactfully) and make yourself understood. Let her know it's your feeling that are causing you to feel this way and not something she can change.
Having said that, if the relationship is stale, maybe there is an opportunity to rebuild.
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A
female
reader, LISAXXXG  +, writes (27 July 2007):
 no i dont think there is an easy way either way she is going to be hurt but you need to be honest and tell her the truth other wise your going to keep putting it off and you might end up resenting her and arguing for the wrong reasons tell her that you can still be friends and you'll be there for her but you can no longer give her all that she needs in a relationshipthat you think its run its course i know its going to be hard for you but be brave and do it it'll take time to get over her it always does but if you think it will be better in the long run hun just try and be gentle as possible
good luck hun xxxx
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A
female
reader, pinkpeone +, writes (27 July 2007):
Just a question: Why would you want to break up with someone you care about?
You said you know you should break up with them, but why?
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