A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Should I stay with my ex-girlfriend? I am 24 and she is 27. I love her and am miserable without her but her but her past bothers me. Before she was with me she had sex with at least 15 people (I've been with 7) and even had threesomes. She was with a drug dealer for a couple years and has done meth, crack, etc. She let him ruin her credit by maxing out all her credit cards.That said, when I met her she was getting her life together. She was about to go to culinary school and was paying off her debt. We spent almost two years together and she graduated culinary school and was a great girlfriend to me. But eventually I decided her past was too much and I broke up with her. She threatened to kill herself and it was a big mess. We both slept with other people a couple months after we broke up. But now we are talking again and we both still love each other and I know she would take me back. But should we get back together? Will I ever get over her past? I don't want to hurt her again by breaking up with her again down the road but I don't know if we should be together. It's especially complicated since we broke up because our respective family and friends heard our single-sided stories and now her family and friends don't like me and vice versa. But I can't help feeling like I might not ever find anyone that loves me as much as her.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2010): Nobody is asking whether or not the woman deserves a good man.
The question is whether this man can be the one for her or not. Given what's already happened, I don't think he can.
It's a harmful myth that retroactive jealousy will fade with time or effort. There would be a lot fewer people in long-term emotional turmoil if everyone would just face the reality that RJ is usually not fixable.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2010): If you love her, and she you- make a commitment to WORK really hard on this- I'd suggest giving each other the gift of finding a couples retreat that does group relationship work. It's 5 days... if finding your sole mate in her isn't worth 5 days, you need to move on. My wife and I did a week at "OnSite" in TN... was great, and we saw a lot of couples get a lot of great healing...
I suspect that you'll learn a lot about her- it's NOT about the number of folks she had sex with- if she's a good lover, you need to understand it's BECAUSE she had the experience. Threesomes are nothing... so relax about that... odds are she's got some wild sex still in her, and if you can heal this relationship you'll be the one having it with her- learn to celebrate all the shit both you and her had to go through to get to today... with out it, who knows where either one of you would be... sounds as if she might be dead had she taken a slight turn at any point of her past... celebrate that she's still alive!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2010): She has changed and grown from the person she was then. Her past has made her who she is now. If you know deep down that you can't accept that and be with her without it eventually playing on your mind again, then don't get back together with her. But if you can see how strong she is for getting her life on track and admire her for that, then give it a go. She loves you - if your family and friends see the two of you happy together and if you both explain to them how your hurt and anger was colouring what you'd told them in the breakup then I'm sure they will learn to be happy for you.
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A
male
reader, HarryFlashman +, writes (12 February 2010):
You know, sport, that's a very hard question to answer, because only you know what matters to you. Sounds to me as though you love her but she's a risky proposition in various ways. Only you can decide whether the upside outweighs the risk. A lot depends on how convinced you are that she has "changed" and gotten her life in order. Sitting here on the other side of the internet, I haven't a clue, but threatening to kill herself doesn't really sound cool, calm and collected.
I would suggest doing some thought experiments. Where do you want to be in 10 years? e.g., if you see yourself as a dad with kids, do you see her as a good mom? Or whatever... just run through scenarios, trying things on for size. Try to get some distance from your passion for her. Because, in truth, passion will not carry the day if the pieces don't fit. (I'm in my late forties and have been married for a few decades.) You can love people you should not marry.
Best of luck to you both.
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