A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have always sucked at this part and am not sure what to do...I'm 31 and have been dating a girl for about 15 months now. She's also 31, very nice, and we share a great deal in common. There have been some issues since the beginning of our relationship that have caught my attention that I've let slide. These same issues have caused my close friends and my Mom (whom I'm pretty close with) to greatly dislike her. I have tried everything I know to fix things between my g/f and my friends, but nothing works. In the relationship, I am starting to feel a bit claustrophobic. I have a lot of things going on outside of the relationship (work, music, podcasting, friends...), and it seems that every facet of my life needs to be scheduled now. Take hanging out with friends. That has to be scheduled because my friends don't want anything to do with her. If it's on the whim, then she gets upset that I'm not spending time with her. I spend (at minimum) 4-5 days a week with her. If it's any less than that it's because she's working, which I find rather relieving.We have broken up three times already because of similar issues. Ultimately, while I love her, care for her, and love her company, I feel like I'm being suffocated. I have no room to move and no room to say no without feeling some sort of guilt from her for saying, "No thanks, I need my own space." I don't knwo how to break this to her. All I know is that when I've told her before, she'd burst into tears, I would fold, and then end up staying....survey says? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI ended it. I'm trying to be as cool as possible with the situation and to keep the door open for friendship, but she's having major issues with this. I can't help that. I feel for her, but the last two weeks on my own have been nothing short of refreshing.
Thanks again for the great advice, everyone.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHeatherrrrrr, I believe in taking credit where credit is due, even for the bad stuff. In no way will I ever say that I'm perfect because I'm not. I'm far from it. I'm just as messed up as the next jaded Joe.
However, in both instances (friends and family,) it's been 1000% her actions that have made these people in my life respond as they have. I don't like playing damage control. I don't think anyone does, but I've had to in this relationship.
Regardless, you have a great point in the "poisonous" comment. I just need to suck it up and get it done because things are not changing.
Thanks for your view. :-)
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A
female
reader, heatherrrrrrr +, writes (30 July 2008):
 There are two sides to every coin and in my experience she couldn't make all of your family and friends hate her without a little help from you.
In short, it sounds like this relationship is pretty poisonous and you need to steel your heart and let her go. Make her go, if you have to. Cut off all contact.
Hope that helps!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 July 2008):
 Thanks for the follow up! I'm sorry to be so negative about this, but it just didn't sound right to me.
And please don't try to keep her as a friend, she might misinterpret this as suggesting there is still hope.
Just tell her that it's not working for you, that you find the relationship suffocating and that you are not happy in it. Tell her that you wish her well, tell her that she should call her friends for support on this and then 'goodbye.'
DO NOT give her hope; this is what happened to my friend, she came back again and again and again.
Think puppy dog tail, what's the best way to cut it off? Eek, what a horrible analogy, but you get the idea.
And please get the support of your family and friends for this, you're going to need it to stay strong.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhy yes, she is an only-child - a fact she brings up quite regularly.
Just as an example, two days after we first met, she freaks out while I'm at work and says she's got a letter for me. So I think "ah hell, what's this?" I go over to her house and this 4-page letter proceeds in telling me about every dark secret in her past.
I know now that that move was a massive red flag, and that I should have run then. That's the kind of stuff I'm talking about.
I just need to suck it up and call it for what it is. I'd like to keep her as a friend, but the relationship isn't working.
Thanks everyone - It's great to have honest, unbiased voices on this stuff.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 July 2008):
Survey says, don't cave any more. She now knows that tears will manipulate her and change your mind, and they have worked not once, not twice, but THREE times!
This really doesn't sound like a viable relationship long-term to me for several reasons. She has learned that to get you to do what she wants, all she has to do is burst into tears and guilt you into the desired behavior. This has been working for her and is not going to change.
I don't care if she is 31 years old, she is behaving as though she were 7 and throwing a tantrum to get her way. Is she an only child or something? It sounds like she hasn't learned how to deal with disappointment, and at this point, she may never learn.
Very nice, my a**. She's a wolf in sheep's clothing. It's hard to believe that a pretty, sweet sounding, gentle acting woman could be manipulative, but that is what she is. I know a woman like this, and she is bad news. She's like candy-wrapped cyanide, in a beautiful and sexy chocolate candy box.
Second, your family and friends 'greatly dislike' her. I'll bet you're being kind, they hate her. This to me is telling. If the people who love you and care about you and know you well think she's bad news, well, then she probably is bad news. It doesn't really matter if you have compatible interests, you have to be compatible in the relationship as well. Whatever 'issues' you've let slide are now coming back to haunt you.
This candy/cyanide woman I mentioned, she didn't seem so problematic at first, but then she stopped 'allowing' a good friend of mine to see his friends and family. She would come up with emergencies that required his presence. He was always with her too, in fact was living with her. But she could not share him with anybody.
And that gets me to my final (maybe) point. She is not willing to share you with anyone. She wants to be your one and your only, and depends on you for all her emotional needs. Not healthy. A balanced person has friends, family, outside interests, and is willing to allow their loved one freedom to pursue their own interests, and celebrates time with family and friends.
Remember that feeling of relief you have when she's working? That's the feeling of relief you'll have when you give yourself permission to end this relationship. And do not let her hold you hostage to her neediness and frankly pathologic need for you to be her all. If you've tried it several times, that means that you really don't want to be in this relationship. If she's threatening to harm herself, that is emotional blackmail, and you should not cave. She is responsible for her own behavior and you are not.
Sorry for being so negative about this, normally, I would suggest couples counseling to work through some of these issues. But the fact that it sounds like she would have to apologize to everyone else in your life for her behavior in order to be accepted by them as being a truly loving and caring companion for you suggests that this is a lost cause. You don't work up this level of animosity without good cause.
I'm trying to imagine the wedding you two might have. It would be like a funeral, from the way you've described things.
It would be very interesting to hear with these 'issues' are that have caused so much friction between her and your friends.
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A
female
reader, duskyrowe  +, writes (29 July 2008):
 Oh my God you poor thing, she really is suffocating you. Is it because she is so co-dependant on you that your family and friends do not like her?
Seeing eachother 4/5 times a week is rather a lot, you should not have to fit your friends and family around your girlfriend. She is putting you under a lot of stress with all the emotional blackmail, by crying when you try to explain how you feel. This relationship does not sound healthy at all and you should be more frank with her too. Don't let the crocodile tears stop you from having your OWN PERSONAL SPACE.
If she does not toughen up and contiues to act like a clingy little child, then I am afraid its time you called it a day with her once and for all.
Please be strong and assertive with her, or she will continue to grind you down. Good luck sweety :D x.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (29 July 2008):
The fact that she keeps crying but not changing says to me she manipulating you.
I'd tell her that you are not happy and that you want things to change or you can't be with her. If she cries then reassure her that you love her but you need certain things to change.
Make a deal with her. I'm sure you aren't perfect and she could think of some things you could do for her.
Then if she breaks the deal and starts being clingy again you can tell her that she's proved she cannot change and you are out of there.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
male
reader, StudentOfLife  +, writes (29 July 2008):
 Let me just say that I admirer the fact that you take personal time for yourself.
I think that you should just stick with what you say. It's normal for a guy to love a girl. It's also normal to want to have "Me time" here and there. It's during "Me time" that often ideas comes up about anything. It's not because you don't love her! It's because you like having time for yourself to do things you want to do.
Not a lot of people take the time for themselves, always busy at something or with someone.
Maybe it's because I'm a guy, but I understand you completely.
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A
female
reader, Having Problems??? +, writes (29 July 2008):
well she is probably reli in love with you and if so there is no way of breaking it to her gently but she will get over it, if you want 2 break up i suggest u talk 2 her and simply say u like her alot and still want to be friends but its not working out and we would get on alot better if we spent less time together, stay positive, try not to suggest its her fault but make it clear of your intentions because if u keep getting back together she's just gonna think youll always take her back if she cries or makes a scene which im sure is what youve been doing lol. let me know how it goes xxx
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