A
female
age
51-59,
*hippy2
writes:My bf and I have been together 3 years - he has two daughters who are 10 and 12 - I have kids that are a bit older - His girls are just totally obnoxious! He has asked me to help all along with them and they love me and I have tried to teach them manners and tried to instill some values but he always seems to then let them get their way - They are going to KILL him with their constant wanting things and wheedling! He gets upset when they wont take no for an answer and I think they are so selfish - He is not well physically and his x wife does not help with the situation - There are no limits for these girls! They go out on 'dates' unsupervised and IM on the internet for hours! Question is - I love being with him but not with the kids anymore - My kids just think his are a disaster and won't spend time there - How can I make him see how his really bad parenting is affecting everyone? CYF has mandated that they all get counseling but the parents keep stalling - I am tired! Help
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2008): It won't change, it'll get worse. I have this exact situation in my relationship. I got married knowing that I loved this man more than anything. I also saw two children from a horrible mother and an uneducated (I mean no good family model) dad who tried to make their past up to them. Those kids know how to work the game now and I am the one who gets yelled at because I expect too much. I am supposed to not ask too much of the son because he gets mad easily. I should accept being yelled at and disrespected daily. When I just can't take the attitude anymore, I blow up. I usually don't say anything anymore because the dad just gets mad at me and not the son. You are not blood related and I promise those girls will always win. Everyone around me sees my husband as a weak man who won't take responsibility for his child-they are mad at me too for staying in this relationship. My stepson gets virtually everything he wants and then some. My husband always threatens to take things away and when he punishes him,, he forgets what he says and lets him off. It's easier for the dad because it keeps his son happy. My own 3 children can't stand watching this happen. This boy is like a bully taking every amount of happiness out of my house. I know it isn't the son's fault, his dad needs to set concrete limitations and rules. That won't happen, so the son disrespects, disobeys, makes his own rules, challenges and argues everything, and has a horrible time listening to females. I think he needs counselling to overcome his anger toward his mother. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention his extreme anger problems. My husband thinks he's fine. My in-laws think the son needs counselling too.
I am warning you though-think very deeply about making this a lifetime of resentment and anger. I know you love him now, but will that hold for a lifetime with the way things are now and if they get worse.
It's ok-I'm confused too! I love him but loving him means being married to his son's opinion, attitude, agressiveness, anger, wants, and constant desire to monopolize everything. Think twice, three times, maybe even four times before making a lifetime committment.
A
female
reader, Chippy2 +, writes (2 April 2008):
Chippy2 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow! All of your answers are amazing! Thank you so much for your input! I am gonna try the suggestions and will keep you posted on results! Already he is telling me how much they all love me - and I only stayed away two nights!
Thanks -I surely welcome even more suggestions
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2008): Could you spend some time away from both your man and his 'girls'...maybe take a short vacation just you with your own grown up kids? Not only would that give you a much needed break to step away from this situation but it would also present your partner with the chance to cope on his own. Sometimes when we are too involved with a problem we draw too much energy to it. Trouble being that 'we' then become the problem (our constant nagging our complaining etc) and the real problem gets disguised in general bad feeling. When you get back hopefully you will be refreshed and he will be on his knees. You could try and find a good book on the subject to leave behind with him to browse in your absence. My advice is step away and let the problem escalate further - push the energy on to others and the situation may start to resolve itself. Maybe it has to get worse for him and them before it can start to get resolved. You cannot do it on your own.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2008): It looks like those girls could benefit from some ground rules and fear of getting hit with a good hard wooden spoon if they don't comply.
You two are the adults. In your house the children should have no rights or privledges until they earn them. Remove the computer(s) from their room(s) if you have to and put it where you can monitor them closely.
Bar them from touching anything that could be used to contact friends until every single chore, piece of homework, and order has been followed to the letter.
And never, ever give in. Let them shout, scream, swear. Increase the severity of the punishment for every swear word and second they resist.
Never, ever give in. A house isn't a decmocracy. It is a dictatorship. You and the boyfriend give the orders. And they follow them or be punished.
Both you and your boyfriend need to be together on this. Because if you give them an order and they can just go to daddy and he'll recind it, they'll never learn.
Adults are to lord over the kids, not the other way around.
Its the only way to deal with these brats.
Flynn 24
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (1 April 2008):
 He needs to understand, children learn from their environment. It could be the bad parenting, or it could be lack of knowledge of how to appropriately deal with his children. I bet he's trying to be the friend more than being the parent. Of course, being the parent all the time doesn't work either, then your children end up having a disconnected relationship with the parents as adults.
What needs to have happen deals some in communication between you and him. Make a list of rules together, have a family meeting and share them with the children, then with the children's involvement, work on the punishments that will be applied for each violation of the rules.
Believe it or not, children really do respect something more that they had part in developing. Instead of you guys being the bad adults, they are then punished utilizing punishments that are part their design. If they say one too light, explain to them and let them know for that offence, they need to help come up with one that fits the offence.
I can understand being tired. I hope this helps you. With everyone being on the same page would be a good start. Take care.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2008): First I would try and see it as his children's bad behaviour, not his bad parenting, if you bring it up as his fault, he will automatically get defensive and you will get no-where.
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