A
female
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anonymous
writes:I had sex with my bf after 10 months of going out with him. He was my first kiss, my first bf. I am 18 years old. However about a month after we had sex for the first time we broke up. I broke it off with him, however the reason why I did was because he became fairly abusive. The abuse had happened a couple of timees in our relationship before we had sex, but it was only a couple of times and I let it slide since he said he was under alot of stress and also because Ifelt like he had reasons to treat me like that, because I was a bad gf...However obviosuly I now realise what he did was wrong and thats why I broke it off with him.Now this is my problem...I feel betrayed. I trusted him and had sex with him and he just goes and starts treating me REALY bad. Why would he do this after we had sex? Is it because he thought I would put up with the abuse then because he knew how much havign sex with someone was a big deal to me? or because he jsut stoped caring since he got what he wanted?I regret having sex with him soooo much. And I feel like he just had sex wit me and ruined the relationship, stoped caring about how he trated me because he got what he wanted. I hate myself for giving into him. I feel like no guy will ever be able to love me or want to have sex with me because ive had sex with somoene else. I feel like I wasted my first time on someone who didnt appreciate how much guts it took me to give it to him. And what makes it worse is hearing all these people on here talking about first time sex and all these people advising them not to do it cause they sound like they arent ready and they make them feel like they would be stupid for doing it. Thats how I feel. stupid and im sure thats what everyone else will think once they read this. So I guess my question is, how do i get over feeling betrayed and used by my ex bf? How do i get over all this regret i have and hating myself?
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broke up, lost my virginity, my ex Reply to this Question
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male
reader, rcn  +, writes (8 September 2007):
 You've got to believe you are not the only one with this story. I have heard it so many times. I know it's hard to deal with, understand if everything was easy, we'd never become strong.
Believe me when I say this. You are blessed to have had that relationship. You've become stronger, and you now know, by his personality what you are not looking for in a partner. What he did was wrong, leave it with him. Don't drag it around thinking this experience will negatively design future relationships. Do yourself a favor. Get a pen and a piece of paper. Write down the word betrayal, hurt, and used. Under each one, list what positive knowledge you gained in each area by this experience, then stop focusing on the event and start focusing on what you wrote down.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2007): You've said that he abused you a few times BEFORE you had sex with him. So you knew what you were getting into at least to some extent.
I'm not just trying to put you down. But it seems like the other responders to this question are pretty quick to write you a check for having no control over this situation. It looks to me like you had some signs and didn't heed them. Heeding those signs next time is how you can avoid this situation in the future.
As for the virginity? Well, it's gone. You can either choose to care about this or not. But it's not like this issue was some sort of surprise when you broke up with him. You knew at the time that having sex equals no more virginity, and you chose to do it with him of your own free will. It's his fault for being an abusive jerk, but it's not his fault that you feel he was unworthy of your virginity afterward.
Now what?
Well, you can't undo the past, but you can control how much you allow this to dictate your future. You can choose to have had one bad BF because of this problem, forgive yourself for it, and then move on to a better BF. Or you can allow this incident to really destroy your self-esteem, and that will indirectly lead to a whole string of future bad BFs just like him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2007): Move on and just put this down to experience, sorry it was a bad one, but that is life, you will get over it. You are young and not stupid. You will meet someone who is totally ment for you and not an ignorant pig like the one you speak of. Don't dwell on the past and move on into the future. there are better days ahead, believe me.
take care
xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2007): Move on and just put this down to experience, sorry it was a bad one, but that is life, you will get over it. You are young and not stupid. You will meet someone who is totally ment for you and not an ignorant pig like the one you speak of. Don't dwell on the past and move on into the future. there are better days ahead, believe me.
take care
xx
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2007): By asking questions ^^. That guy was just like most other guys in the world. Sweet at first and later a dork. But really all those fantastic stories you hear 'bout the first time: 90% are lies! Every person will get a broken heart somewhere in life. Like me: I've been rejected by 7 girls total, I'm still a virgin and I think I'll be it some time too XD but it doesn't bother me. Besides I know 1 thing 'bout the progress of relationships. You start out as inexperienced and vulnerable, then you become more experienced and attractive, finally you know what it's like to be a girlfriend and at that state you will have lot of opportunities no matter your looks or smarts. Stability is a goal you need to reach, do not let a single failure break you. Live and learn. From: The li'l helper
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A
female
reader, faith scott boreanaz  +, writes (4 September 2007):
 Your NOT stupid, Im 19, i lost my virginity at a very young age (14) with a guy i thought the world of (I was on the pregnancy pill and we used a condom so we were safe) then like you he started to abuse me. I dumped him. like you i hated myself for doing that, but i got over it by talking to a counseller. what you encountered is unfortunately natural, there are guys in the world like that. If your looking to have sex with only one person for the rest of your life perhaps you should consider only having sex when you married. dont feel betrayed by you, you havent betrayed anyone, its your bf whose betrayed himself by abusing you who has obviously put 100% into the relationship. life goes on and you'll meet Mr right. if you think you need more help than what you have already gotten maybe you should consider couselling as it made dating alot more easier for me, if you want to talk further email me at "[email address blocked]"
Faithxxx
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (4 September 2007):
 Hi Darling,
Its not you that should be ashamed, its him. You did nothing wrong apart from trust someone that was not worthy of your feelings.
Just put it down to experience, and I am sure there are many ladies on this site that would tell you the first time having sex is rarely a fairy-tale. It can be painfull and quite embarassing even if you know the guy well and are in love.
You should be glad your not with him, and when you next fall in love it will be with a guy that cares about you. And if he loves you it wont matter that you have done it before. If it does matter to him, he's not the right one either.
So dont sit there, hatting yourself for no reason.
XX
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A
female
reader, Skeez +, writes (4 September 2007):
 Heya hun. Ive been in a similar situation. But what you must do is not blame yourself. You were in love and you trusted him and HE betrayed YOU. So what i think you should do is put it behind you.
What I did was refresh everything in my life. I went out and got hair extensions. I had my hair dyed a different colour. I went shopping and tried new clothes tht I wouldnt have even thought about wearing a few years back. I went outside more and met some new people. and suddenly i felt like a new person. And a happy one too. Whenever I thought back to the difficult time I had i would ammediatly think how selfish he was and that I dont need someone liek that in my life.
And hunny..I know it was your first time having sex, bt that doesnt mena its going to be your last. My boyfriend knew about my other partners who I had sexual intercourse with and he was fine with it. You will get a new boyfriend and one who treats you well. just make sure to keep yourself safe and be cautious with the people you do meet with. Once you get yourself back out there with your friends and maybe concentrate on your career paths your ex boyfriend will be gob smacked at what hes missed out on and what he screwed up. dont take him back. find someone new and have a good life.
goodluck hun
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (4 September 2007):
 You certainly aren't alone, we receive many postings here from women (and sometimes little girls) who feel they were used and betrayed. But what you need to do is learn from it and move on. Of course there are guys out there who will love you and respect you! You just happened upon a real loser that's all. Everyone makes mistakes, don't beat yourself up about yours. Move forward and don't look back sweetheart, you'll be fine.
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A
female
reader, sexi  +, writes (4 September 2007):
 Hi, you are not stupid you just trust too easily. You have a made a mistake and have realized it now it is time to move on.Try and get past this incident with your ex bf.It is clear enough that he is not worthy of you and that you deserve better - there is someone out there that is willing to give you the love you deserve in return.Yiur guy is the one that has lost out on such a great,caring and wonderful girl.Stop thinking all that bad stuff,go out and meet other people.Not everyone is like you bf and there are much better guys out there.
Good Luck,mail me if you wanna talk
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