A
female
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anonymous
writes:I'm 18 years old and I've had sex with one person before, this was my ex bf of 7 months. I felt I was in love with him, yet it turns out the guy who I was 'in love with' didnt exist- it was all an act he put on. Less then a week after we had sex, our relationship took a major turn, he became very abusive towards me me. About 4 weeks later I ended it. From this experience its made me not want to ever have sex again until married. However, do you think its possible to find a guy who would wait for me knowing that im not a virgin? It just seems to me that most guys who would wait till marriage are virgins themselves and would want a girl who is a virgin too.
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male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (4 December 2007):
 Hi,
I think you are wanting to avoid sex for all the wrong reasons. This is not a religious or moral viewpoint merely one based on a bad sexual experience.
I think you should take heed that most people enjoy healthy sex which is enjoyable and fulfilling. You just need to find the right person, holding out for Mr Virgin is not necessarily the way to do it.
What you should really be focusing on is the type of guy you are dating. Your last boyfriend treated you badly, I would advise you to look at what attracted you to a guy like this, he obviously was not a nice person, so maybe instead of focusing on ending up with a virgin you should focus on meeting a guy who will respect you. Making a condition of not having sex before marriage is only going to severly reduce the number of guys you can have a relationship with. Now , a lot of people will say " if he respects you he will honour your wish", but in this case the wish to remain celibate was brought on by an abusive ex boyfriend , so you wont be really solving anything by staying celibate.
When you meet your next boyfriend if he does respect you he will wait but you have to accept the fact that most guys will not wait around several years to have sex. In this day and age most couples enjoy a healthy sex life before commiting to marriage, I just don't think you should discount this option based on a bad experience in your past. You have your whole life ahead of you, why limit your options?
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2007): Love takes all kinds. You're allowed to have hope in this. Some guys out there really will wait for marriage even with a non-virgin girl. This even includes some virgin guys too. (And one partner on your list is a lot easier to deal with than if you'd bonked half of your high school class first before growing morals.) And I know this probably sounds crazy to a modern teenager, but there are some guys out there who just don't care a great deal about your V-status either way. But now for a dose of unfortunate reality: Most previously-sexually-active guys will not wait. And a lot of virgin guys will not accept a non-virgin girl. (But I really advise you not to lie about it. The long-term damage of that can ultimately be huge whether the truth ever comes out or not.)Some sexually active guys will tell you they're okay with it for a while but their patience will run out over time. In they back of their minds they partly just assumed you would eventually wear down again like you did before with your previous sex partner. The ugliest situation could be with some of the male virgins though. Some of them will accept your non-virgin status even though they really wanted a fellow virgin. They'll think they can deal with it at the outset. Only the problem is that the more they fall for you, the more it may grow to bother them over time. It'll silently twist a little knife in them for the rest of their lives. But they'll think they have no right to feel this way so they won't admit this stuff to you. And you'll feel guilty for the whole thing for years to come even though there's nothing anybody can ever do about it.Welcome to real life. The consequences of your bad decisions don't just go away as soon as you've learned your lesson from them. They go on for the rest of your life no matter what it might eventually mean for you or anyone else you care about.Being sexually active isn't the end of the world though either. It's just a choice you made. And your choice was overwhelmingly the most common one. No matter what you're feeling right now, time will usually diminish the sting of things a great deal. That old saying "time heals all wounds" is very true.
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A
female
reader, JujuBee  +, writes (4 December 2007):
I agree with missme, anyone who loves you can wait for you.I lost my virginity very young with no regrets, but I've had all great, loving sexual partners, and it makes all the difference.It may not apply to you, but being that you're just feeling out you sexuality and romantic life you may want to take a discerning eye to this past relationship for any trace of pattern while you continue to date.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2007): I know you feel hurt now and I don't blame you. Still, I don't think you should let this one jerk control your sex life forever. My first boyfriend treated me really badly and I didn't have another relationship for 3 years after that. I don't regret waiting, because I needed time to heal. I just think that you should remember that he was a jerk, and he does not represent the behavior of all guys. I understand waiting until marraige for moral reasons, but I don't think that swearing off sex until marraige is going to solve your problems or even quell your anxiety. Your problem is that someone you trusted let you down, and you can take all the time you need to recover from that. But sex is a wonderful thing and giving it up won't stop you from being hurt again, it will only keep you from enjoying one of life's greatest pleasures.
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A
female
reader, missmel34 +, writes (4 December 2007):
 Hmmmmm, well. I guess the short answer is yes. Basically if a guy loves you enough he will wait for you. Its one way to sort out whether a guy is really into you or just using you.
When it comes to true love, your partner should except you for who you are, your past mistakes and your future ones.
Stay strong. I admire your fortitude.
Good Luck
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A
male
reader, Pounce  +, writes (4 December 2007):
 If the guy has any respect for a woman's needs, and he's in it for the long run, then he would wait. He put on an act in order to sleep with you, thats about as low as it gets. He didnt deserve you. Virginity shouldn't be an issue in a relationship, if one is less experienced then the more experienced partner should be compromising and go with the flow.Many have been hurt in the past, and by the looks of it, i understand why you are feeling the way you are. If the next guy tries to force you to have sex, instead tell him that you would like to wait. If he has any gentleman left in him, he would respect our wishes and not try to guilt you or force you into doing it. It is very possible to find such a man. However if you do find such a guy, look at it from his perspective, if he is a vigil, he would be thinking of trying to not disappoint you. good luck =) Best wishes be with you and your quest for love
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